Revenge of the Sith - "Hello, There!"

I’ve enjoyed Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan since the beginning. Attack of the Clones made me like him even more. And Revenge of the Sith made him my favorite character in the series. He made the character more than an Alec Guinness impression. He made it his own. It’s no wonder why fans seem more excited about his upcoming series than any other recent Star Wars project.

Alec Guinness, though he hated the films, brought a bit of playfulness to the part in A New Hope, and Ewan McGregor amplified it. His encounter with Grievous is one of my favorite moments in the entire series. 

More importantly, his performance as Anakin lies defeated is heart-breaking. McGregor made Obi-Wan one of the most tragic characters in a series filled to the brim with them. You see true heartbreak in his face as he yells at Anakin. 

The new series about him has me more excited about Star Wars than I’ve been in years. And it’s not just because it’s about Obi-Wan, but also because McGregor is returning. 

Revenge of the Sith not only established Obi-Wan as the prequel trilogy’s greatest character, but it also made him an action hero. His moments early in the film, including the duel with Grievous, are awesome. And his duel with Anakin somehow tops the fight with Darth Maul from The Phantom Menace.

This is what makes Sith the most rewatchable Star Wars movie for me. It’s a straight up action / war film. I have a hard time just putting Empire or Jedi on because I want to get the entire story. But I have no issue with watching Sith out of the blue because it’s so entertaining that I don’t care if the entire story is fresh in my mind. It’s the most visually impressive film in the series, and I doubt that ever changes for me. 

As I’ve gone through the trilogy this time I’m reminded that a large segment of the fanbase still dismissively shits on all three films (even if the younger audiences from the time have become older and have been louder about their love of the trilogy). I could always understand why a Star Wars fan could hate Menace and Clones, but hatred for Sith has always confused me. This is exactly what I want from this series. 

But that’s just it, I suppose. It’s what I want from the series. And if I’ve learned anything about fandom after years of writing about movies, it’s that everyone brings their own personal expectations to every movie, and with a series like Star Wars, those expectations are huge. I’m just glad that these films met and surpassed my expectations despite their flaws. And I hope future Star Wars projects make me feel that way again.

Random Thoughts

“There are heroes on both sides.” Really, opening crawl? Just like there are “good people” at white supremacist rallies. 

I love how taking out the battle droids at the beginning is so simple at this point. These things were introduced in the first film as a serious threat (at least during the Gungan battle scene), and now they are completely used for comedic effect. 

Palpatine being able to grab onto Obi-Wan’s legs mid-fall and swing himself into safety should’ve been the final clue proving him to be a Force-user. The modern equivalent would be Mitch McConnell pulling off such a feat, and then just acting like it didn’t happen. No, there would be questions.

The “love has blinded you” scene still makes me cringe. What annoys me the most is how easy it would have been to fix it. Anakin truly does look like he’s in love with her in that scene. So just have him stand there watching her for a moment, and when she turns to him, have him say, “I love you.” End scene. 

Those Wookiee helicopter things look a lot like the ornithopters from Dune.

Obi-Wan’s face when Anakin admits to being arrogant is great. It’s as if he’s saying, “Fuck yeah, you are.”

I like all the different worlds in this movie. It’s like, “What should we do for this one?”

“I don’t know. Just make them all look like Nosferatus or something, fuck it.”

Grievous drives an It from South Park.

“I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi.” A few years late, aren’t you, Windu?

I need to start yelling “Unlimited power!” when I do cool shit.

“I will do whatever you ask.”

“Good. Go kill all the kids at the Temple.”

“Wait. What?”

Look, Anakin, I get it. You just helped to kill your least favorite teacher, and it seems like you don’t have any choices. But when your new boss gives you an evil-sounding name and tells you to kill kids, that should raise a pretty fucking big red flag.

“He is under a lot of stress, Artoo.” Yeah, killing a roomful of innocent children will do that to you, Threepio, you ignorant droid. Sorry, I’m still mad at him for those cheesy jokes he made in Clones.

I’m against the majority of the killing Vader does, but I was glad to see those Trade Federation fuckheads finally get what was coming to them.

I understand that Sidious is excited to not have to hide his true evil any longer, but he needs to tone that shit down. All those growls and laughs are a bit much.

Padmé dying of a broken heart or whatever is easily the weakest element in the film. I know she has to die at some point, but the abruptness of it causes problems. For instance, Leia claims she remembers her mother. Even ignoring that issue, couldn’t they just have had her die due to the force choking? Just have that medical droid say the choking sent her into labor early and she died from the complications of the birth. Just anything other than that she has “lost the will to live.” Hell, every time I’m hungover I lose the will to live, but here I am.

There are theories that Sidious drained her life to keep Vader alive. But that, along with the theory that he manipulated midi-chlorians to impregnate Shmi, is just doing too much work for the story with no evidence to work with.

“It was said that you would destroy the Sith!” Was it? What exactly is this prophecy? How is the Force balanced if the Sith are destroyed? Luke was right to want to burn those books in The Last Jedi.

Any issues I’ve had with Christensen’s performance disappear when he yells, “I hate you!” at Obi-Wan with such sincere rage.

“Ooh-bah. Ooh-bah.”

We better get at least the voice of Qui-Gon in the TV show. I still think it was a huge mistake not to have his Force ghost appear at the end with Obi-Wan.

Don’t bury her with that charm! It’s made from a japor snippet, hand-carved by Lord Vader himself. It’s priceless!

"Hey, Owen. I know you don't know me. But do you remember that space wizard that was here a few years ago? He stayed for a day, maybe less? Found your dead stepmother then took off? Anyway, here. Raise his baby."

Attack of the Clones - "I Wish That I Could Just Wish Away My Feelings."

For the most definitive article I've written on this film, click here for the article I wrote for the Midwest Film Journal.

As with The Phantom Menace, I’m just going to focus on what makes me love this movie. That said, any issues people have pointed out elsewhere (including myself in the Random Thoughts), I still agree with.

I consider all five post-Lucas movies to be the worst in the franchise (though I like them all to varying degrees), so when I rank Star Wars movies I’m thinking mainly about Episodes I-VI. Typically, I’ve considered Attack of the Clones the worst of these, but after a back-to-back rewatch of The Phantom Menace and this, I have to re-assess. As of this writing, I’m going with V, III, IV, VI, II, I. 

For years, I’ve been blinded by Darth Maul. I love The Phantom Menace, but the older I get, the more the kiddie nature of it bothers me. Look, it’s a movie largely about a little kid, so it has to be kiddie. But I would rather watch something slightly more grown up, and that’s what Attack of the Clones is. 

There’s still plenty of goofiness to go around (Jar Jar Binks still exists, for instance), but overall this is a much darker entry as the rise of the Empire is heavily foreshadowed. Even the score is darker, overall. It just makes for a more enjoyable experience for me. 

Attack of the Clones has to be dark not only because of the eventual rise of the Empire, but also because Anakin has to go from annoying little boy to a moody teenager who will bring about the end of the Jedi. 

Hayden Christensen’s acting has been critiqued for years, as have the “romantic” scenes between him and Natalie Portman. Those scenes are my least favorite moments in the film, and Christensen’s range is definitely limited. But I think he’s great at showing violent teen angst. And while I can’t get behind the romantic scenes completely, I can understand why the two characters fall in love.

I used to watch this film and think the love story only existed because these characters had to eventually have Luke and Leia, so since the audience already knew that, there was no need to make it all that convincing. But why can’t these two fall in love? Yeah, they barely know each other and their conversations are unbearable. But who didn’t know a couple like this in high school? And some of those high school couples actually end up staying together. It doesn’t make sense, but it fucking happens. 

Is that a bit of a stretch or justification for weak writing? Absolutely. But that’s what being a fan of these movies is about for me. Rather than poke as many holes in it as I can, I would rather find a way for it all to make sense. Like Anakin, I can’t wish away all my feelings about parts of this movie, but I can tweak them a bit.

Christensen’s acting aside, I also used to take issue with Anakin as a character. How was this whiny asshole going to end being the most badass villain in cinematic history? As I’ve gotten older, it’s made more and more sense. He’s a teenager with mommy issues, unrequited love, and a mentor who constantly puts him down. Why wouldn’t he be angry and bitchy all the time?

Which brings me to Obi-Wan. I’ve liked Ewan McGregor from the beginning, but this movie truly convinced me that he was perfect as Obi-Wan. In fact, this was the movie that made me start to see the part as more of McGregor’s than Alec Guinness’s (and the ghost of Guinness would be just fine with that). 

When I was closer to Anakin’s age in this, I liked that Obi-Wan was a bit of a dick to his padawan. Anakin annoyed me, and it was nice to see someone put him in his place. As I’ve gotten older and become a parent, I still like that Obi-Wan is a dick to Anakin, but I now also appreciate what he’s going through. 

Obi-Wan is training this prophetic kid basically as a favor for his own dead mentor, Qui-Gon. He never asked for this. Yes, he does love Anakin, but in many ways he’s forced into the situation and tends to take this out on Anakin. Even when he compliments Anakin, he has to add little digs, like when he says, “Good call, my young padawan.” Why can’t he just compliment Anakin?

This is all there to foreshadow their eventual rift in the next film, but it also makes Obi-Wan an even more tragic character. If only he was better suited to be a parent or even a big brother, perhaps Anakin could have stayed on the right path. But Obi-Wan is more concerned with the Jedi order than with his personal relationship with Anakin, and that’s part of the problem with the Jedi.

The last aspect I want to focus on with this film is how it shows the setup for the downfall of the Jedi. I struggled with this the first few times I watched this. I just assumed that the Jedi were infallible, and they’re downfall was the fault of the Sith alone. But that’s not the case.

Count Dooku makes some good points about the Jedi Council, and when you watch their righteous blindness, it becomes clear that the Jedi are just as at fault for their downfall as the Sith. There is one character that embodies this perfectly in one short scene: Jedi archive librarian Jocasta Nu. You know, the lady who’s very shitty with Obi-Wan when he dares suggest the archives are incomplete. 

Jocasta Nu won’t even consider the possibility that the archives are incomplete, and that’s the problem with the Jedi in general. They think they’re so good and righteous that they forget to look in the mirror from time to time. The rules and traditions are so important to them that they’re willing to ignore the crumbling foundation of their order. 

Think about any scene with Yoda, Mace Windu, or any other member of the Council. They speak from a position of supreme wisdom. They know they are right, and everyone else must be wrong. They never stop to think how that might be perceived. And they’re far too busy being right to notice the rise of Sith right in front of them.

It was prophesied that Anakin would bring balance to the Force, and he did by destroying the Jedi. When he was done with them (as far as the movies were concerned at the time), there remained two Jedi (Obi-Wan and Yoda) and two Sith (Sidious and Vader). What did the Jedi think balance meant? They thought they were the only ones on the scales, and they paid the price for it.

Maybe I’m doing too much of the legwork for this movie, but that’s why I love these films. There’s so much vague mythology to work with that it’s kind of fun to make them work however I want. That might be sloppy storytelling, but that would be taking the negative view. I choose positivity, and that makes this film much more enjoyable.

Random Thoughts

Amidala is returning to Coruscant for a vote? She can't vote by proxy or hologram? Pretty harsh rules, but hey, we still have plenty of people in this country who think voting in person should be the only way.

I've never liked the Yoda line to Amidala about "warm feelings" in his heart.

You know you're hard up for people to share your feelings with when you're spilling your guts to fucking Jar Jar Binks.

"I don't think she liked me watching her." Good call on her part, you Padawan perv.

"Not another lecture. At least not on the economics of politics." This is an actual line in a Star Wars movie. At least the line is spoken off screen while the focus is on some killer worm things slithering around a room.

You can't really judge someone for being too reckless when you dove out of a window moments earlier.

Once again, I love the sound design of the prequels.

I really dislike the diner scene with Dex, mainly because the CG is total trash, and the idea of a 1950s style diner on Coruscant annoys me.

Jocasta Nu represents everything that is wrong with the Jedi.

The fact that Yoda teaches all the younglings explains why Obi-Wan can refer to him as "the Jedi Master who trained me" in Empire.

"Well, if it works…" Only a fuckhead like Anakin could make dabbling in fascism a flirtation tactic. 

The dildo smirk Anakin gives Padmé moments after burying his mother (who had most likely been raped and tortured by Sand People for months based on how she was tied up when he found her) helps explain how his son, Luke, could get over the burnt corpses of his foster parents so quickly. Skywalkers are not sentimental people.

“If only Senator Amidala were here.” 

“But wait! Meesa can helpa youse end the Republic!”

Not trying to be a Seperatist here, but Dooku makes some good points.

This is the first time I noticed Jar Jar said “dellow felegates” when addressing the Senate. For fuck’s sake…

I know these movies are CG heavy, and that really doesn’t bother me all that much, but that factory sequence is hard to sit through. 

“Obi-Wan’s gonna kill me.” Not quite.

Do the bug people really need to keep prodding the executioner beasts? They seem naturally kill-crazy already.

The Trade Federation dudes hate Amidala so fucking much it’s hilarious. That laugh one of them does after she gets clawed is great.

“Patience, Viceroy, patience. She will die.” 

“...once she’s lost the will to live.”

Fuck continuity, after “This is such a drag” and “I’m quite beside myself,” they should have killed C3PO.

Yoda has to be the worst possible person to give military commands.

Christopher Lee looks so fucking stupid riding that scooter-thing.

The Phantom Menace - "The Biggest Problem in the Universe Is That No One Helps Each Other."

I’m burning through the prequels for Obi-Wan Kenobi on Friday. So here are my brief thoughts on Episode I. I’ve written about my love of the prequels before, but never about the individual movies.

This is difficult for me. I love the first six Star Wars movies, warts and all. The sequel trilogy lost me as a blindly devoted fan, so I didn’t have much trouble writing about those movies…at length. But when it comes to a movie I love, I find it intimidating to write about them because I’m afraid I won’t say everything I want to say. I’m trying to be less precious about my writing, especially since so few people read it (to be honest, this site feels like more of a personal diary of film writing that I can revisit in the future than a proper film criticism site). I’ve decided to not be intimidated any longer because there really is no way I will ever write everything I want to convey about any movie I watch because my response to every film is different after every viewing. 

So rather than try to write a crazy manifesto with all of my complex thoughts about The Phantom Menace in one messy article, I’m just going to burn through some ideas I had this time around followed by my random thoughts while watching it.

Soon after meeting Anakin, he makes the statement about “the biggest problem in the universe” being that “no one helps each other.” This cheesy bit of children’s optimism made me realize why I love this movie, despite my personal issues with it. Maybe Anakin’s right, and we all just need to be nice. 

That only works if there’s some awesome shit to make me forget the less awesome shit, though. Thankfully, The Phantom Menace still has sequences that amaze me after all these years of watching it. 

I stop caring about Jake Lloyd’s weak acting once that podrace starts. I forget how fucking stupid Jar Jar Binks is when Darth Maul activates that second blade. And…well, that’s pretty much it. But those two sequences in this film still completely enthrall me. I can type up plenty of random thoughts during any other parts of this movie, but when those sequences are happening, The Phantom Menace has my undivided attention.

There’s more to it than that, but I wanted to keep things brief on this site for a change. One day I will very likely write something more akin to my usual deep dive nonsense, but today I just wanted to say that sometimes a film just needs to wow me a couple times for me to get through the cringeworthy moments. In this shitty internet universe we’re stuck in, instead of choosing to shit on this movie for the billionth time about the same shit people have been bitching about for over two decades, I decided to focus on the joy this film instills in me. 

Random Thoughts

Sidious as a hologram is fucking awesome. 

The first I saw this and Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan took out those druids like badasses I was in love. 

These movies get altered all the time, so why can't they go back and improve the CG? The battle druids look good, but the Gungans need some polishing. 

I love this movie, but I've always hated Boss Nass.

So is Sebulba dicking down those two Twi'leks every night in some unholy interspecies threesome?

Ever since I first learned about Manny from Grim Fandango being in the stands at the podrace, I never fail to spot that goofy ass costume. He can be seen on the right side of the crowd at 1:09:43 on the Disney+ version, for those watching at home.

No one can ever talk shit about the sound in this film. The sound design during the podrace in particular is amazing.

That little walking droid that allows for the hologram of Sidious to do a walk and talk is hilarious. It reminds me of the butter robot from Rick and Morty. “What’s my function?” “To go on short walks while projecting a hologram.” “My god.”

It’s a good thing all the native Gungan weapons are perfectly suited for fighting droids.

I still think the biggest mistake of the first film was the killing of Maul. I know he comes back in The Clone Wars and Solo, but he should have been a primary villain for the entire prequel trilogy. To go from Darth Maul to an old man whose name literally sounds like shit in the second film is such a missed opportunity.

Grand Piano - "Remember, It’s Just Music."

How Did This Get Made? strikes again. Grand Piano is a film I have never heard of, despite it being less than ten years old and starring Elijah Wood and John Cusack. Also, it was written by Damien Chazelle of Whiplash and La La Land fame, though before he made those two much more popular films. Once I watched it, I realized why this was buried and forgotten: it’s silly as shit, but not on purpose.

I just want to work through the premise of this crazy movie, because it amused me to no end. Typically, I’m not one to pick apart the plot of a film. I try to suspend disbelief, especially if the story is engaging. But with Grand Piano, the story is distractingly inept.

SPOILERS ahead, but you should still just read this instead of watching the movie.

In Grand Piano, Elijah Wood plays a famous pianist who messed up a show and has been semi-retired for five years. His movie star wife encourages him to come back and perform a concerto in honor of his now-deceased mentor on said mentor’s titular grand piano. We also find out (but only if you’re paying close attention) that the mentor was rich, but his fortune is lost. We’ll get back to that later.

Wood is nervous as can be as he is constantly reminded of his past failure before the show. It’s fucking weird. It’s like this film takes place in some alternate universe in which people still give a fuck about pianists. We never find out what exactly happened at this disastrous past performance, but unless he somehow ended up nude and defecating into the piano, I can’t imagine it was truly that memorable (and now you know what it would take for me to remember a concerto). Anyway, Wood is nervous, but he finally starts to play.

A few pages into the performance, he notices some notes within the music telling him to play perfectly or he will die. It turns out a sniper has a gun pointed at him, laser sight and all. This is kind of silly, but so far, whatever; it’s a movie. After seeing the laser sight and the notes, Wood decides to just get up mid-performance and go check his phone in the dressing room.

I know nothing about music, but I can’t imagine there is a piano concerto in existence that allows for such a break in the piano part of the performance that would allow the pianist to leave the stage for a few minutes. Why not just have Wood learn about the situation in the dressing room? But okay, go on, you increasingly stupid movie.

To make sure Wood stays on task, the sniper has texted Wood a picture of Wood’s wife. He’s also left him an earpiece, so he can talk to him throughout the performance. He tells him that not only will he kill him, but he will also kill his wife if Wood doesn’t perform perfectly. To make sure Wood knows he isn’t fucking around, the sniper shoots a whole into the stage. Now, movie silencers don’t really exist, but I can accept that part, but for no one to notice that someone has fired a bullet into the stage is a bit too much. But…okay.

Before I move on, let’s consider the earpiece. So you need a guy to play the piano perfectly, right? How is screaming threats directly into his ear going to help with that? I wouldn’t be able to type this stupid article right now if I was wearing an earbud with a podcast playing. I can’t imagine trying to perform an “impossible” piece of music while some psycho screams about killing my wife. I get it, they got Cusack so we need to hear his voice a lot, but still, what a dumbass idea.

So Wood goes back to playing and a lot of filler happens involving his sister-in-law’s husband (does that make him a brother-in-law?). A few silly things happen with a cell phone, and Bill from Bill and Ted kills both of them. I told you; this film is pretty wacky.

After the filler, we finally figure out what this sniper is up to: he is a locksmith who designed a special lock for the dead mentor. The literal key to the mentor’s missing fortune is in the piano and can only be unlocked if a nearly impossible piece of music is played perfectly. 

At one point the sniper claims this plan is three years in the making, but why? If he’s able to infiltrate this high profile concerto, then why couldn’t he just gain access to the dead mentor’s piano and slowly play the music himself? Okay, the movie is less cinematic if that happens. But just make it clear that this has to happen this way. Have the sniper say the piece of music must be played within a certain amount of time or something. 

Also, if the sniper is able to hatch this plan, could he not have also just kidnapped Wood and taken him to the piano or something? Or could he just smash the piano to pieces and look for the key? It’s not a fucking safe, after all. It’s made out of wood! There are just too many other options that make more sense than what actually happens in this movie.

I guess it’s the “plan” line that bothers me the most. If the sniper had said that he had been “waiting” three years for this moment, then I’m fine with it. But to make all this stupid shit a part of a plan is laughable.

Time to finish this nonsense up. Wood intentionally fucks up the last note, but for some reason the sniper doesn’t follow through with his threats. Instead, he shows up in person (it’s John Cusack for some reason!) and there’s a silly fight that ends with Cusack crashing into the piano and Wood falling to the ground…breaking his leg. (And he had been told to “break a leg” at least five times earlier in the movie.)

As the bodies are being taken away, Wood goes to the piano (which is already loaded into a moving truck despite being a part of a crime scene) and plays the music properly, and he gets the key. So now he has access to a fortune he doesn’t need since he seems to be doing okay, and his wife is a movie star. The end.

I don’t have much more to add (aside from my random notes below). Movies like this just surprise me sometimes. There’s a lot of talent and money involved, yet no one asked some very basic questions about the script that could have been fixed fairly easily. I don’t get that. But at least all the nonsense made the movie slightly entertaining for me, but for all the wrong reasons.

Random Thoughts 

It's kind of like Speed…on a piano. Or Phone Booth…on a piano.

The moving company in this is called Munson & Grandsons. So it skipped a generation?

John Cusack is credited as Clem, but you never hear this name during the movie. I'm not calling him that. 

I know nothing of piano concertos, but I'm still sure there's a ton of shit that happens in this that would never happen at one, and that's not even counting the whole guy threatening to shoot the pianist thing.

The 90 minute run time consists of 16 minutes of opening and closing credits, thankfully.

This fucking director moves his camera around more nonsensically than Michael Bay.

The texting through the music pages is up there with The Departed for most impressive surreptitious texting in film history. 

Bill from Bill and Ted is in this (his first role in years), and he snaps a dude's neck and slits a woman's throat in this. This movie is truly bizarre.

Damien Chazelle (Whiplash and La La Land) wrote this. I'm not the biggest fan of his more popular work, and this film is evidence that he's a fraud.

There's a truly ridiculous subplot in which a janitor sees Wood throw a score to the ground, which prompts the janitor to give Wood not just one, but two disapproving head shakes (just to make sure that any moron dumb enough to watch this knows this will mean something later). When Wood tracks down the janitor later, he is throwing the score into an incinerator. Why the fuck is there an incinerator at this place? 

I love the villain's mindset: I need this guy to get the key, so during the most important part of the music, I'm going to start screaming at him and telling him I'm going to kill his wife. That'll help him not to fuck up.

The villain claims Wood is going to find "pieces of [his] wife's skull in box seat 5." He says this exact line to him twice. He’s already established that he knows where she is sitting. Why keep bringing up the specific seat?

This is one of those movies in which I keep thinking the main character is going to wake up at the end or something because no way this is meant to be real…but it is.

He literally breaks his leg at the end. Fuck this movie.

Why do Elijah Wood and Kerry Bishe need those foil blankets at the end? They weren't found in the woods. And why are they outside at all? 

I watched this on YouTube, and I don't know what's going on there, but a lot of the comments are very positive about this movie. Those are bots or something, right? Right?

The Patriot - "I Haven't Got the Luxury of Principles."

I’m not giving this film the deep dive I think it truly deserves (I may revisit it properly some day), but I watched this the other night and felt the need to get down a few things about it that I think of every time I watch it. So there are no transitions here at all. Speaking of no transitions…

My Patriot-inspired College Final Project

I took a class in college called History of the English Language (you know, to meet chicks), and for our final we each had to make a presentation about the English language. I decided to go with British vs. American English. Not to bore you with the details (which I can’t exactly remember anyway), but it was basically about how British English is considered better or “smarter” than American English, in part simply because of the accent.

Anyway, as part of the visual aid for the presentation I included a picture of Mel Gibson from this movie. It allowed me to use this line near the beginning of my spiel: yes, that is a picture of Mel Gibson using the American flag as a weapon. To this day, I am sincerely proud of that presentation for that one aspect alone.

The Gibson of It All

Mel Gibson is a great example of cancel culture not really being a thing. Sure, he went to Hollywood jail for a minute, but he seems to be doing whatever he feels like at the moment. For instance, it was recently announced that he would be starring in and directing Lethal Weapon 5. 

I’m typically good at separating an artist from the art. I grew up loving Gibson’s work. I still love the movies I grew up watching, but I have to admit that his real life issues (mysogyny, anti-Semitism and racism) come to mind every time I watch one of his movies. Perhaps it’s because he’s presented as such a perfect person in this movie. For fuck’s sake, he plays a plantation owner in this, and the film goes out of its way to say that he doesn’t have slaves; instead, they are all free men working that plantation by choice. And Gibson works the land with them! What a good American!

So when I see silly shit like that, I stop and think, “Did he insist on that or something to keep up his public image?” And it takes me out of it for a moment. Still, I love this movie enough that I can get past it. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but it is what it is.

Illegal Satellite

This might be my most watched movie of all time, but not because it’s my favorite. I do love this movie, and I watch it by choice about once a year or so. But I watched this countless times in high school thanks to illegal satellite cards. For any young’uns reading, let me explain.

Back in the late ‘90s / early ‘00s, satellite dish systems operated with a card. It looked like a credit card, and it had the information on it to let the system know your account and what channels you get. As you can imagine, people figured this system out and would sell cards to people that gave them access to every single channel available, including pay-per-view. (Yes, that includes the adult channels, but that’s a story for a different article.) Hopefully, the statute of limitations expired on this, but we had one of these cards.

The way pay-per-view worked for new release movies was that multiple channels played each movie at different times. On demand wasn’t a thing yet, so you had to buy access to a movie, and wait for the start time. Or, in my case, wait for one of the four channels showing the movie to start the movie again.

The Patriot was a big release while we had access to one of the satellite cards. I originally saw the movie in the theater and loved it. So when it showed up on the pay-per-view channels, I was in hog heaven. If I couldn’t find something new to watch, I just put it on a Patriot channel. 

On top of this, my dad fucking loves this movie, mainly for that scene when Mel Gibson chases a dude down and hacks him to pieces while in the midst of a parental rage. I wasn’t sure if my dad’s love of this moment should make me feel safe or in danger. Thankfully, no British soldiers ever attempted to burn our house down, so I never had to find out. 

So I watched it a lot, and when my dad would be in control of the TV, he liked to watch it, too. We were very much a Patriot household. 

The Fort Wilderness Story

Throughout the movie, characters keep referring to Gibson’s past at Fort Wilderness during the French and Indian War. It serves as an example of Gibson’s brutal past that he is now ashamed of. But all the soldiers around him think it’s fucking awesome. 

I only bring it up because it leads to one of my favorite line readings of all time. I’ve embedded the clip below if you want to check it out (the clip is on the long side, but the line I’m referencing is in the first thirty seconds). The French guy is telling the despondent militiamen that the French soldiers will arrive soon. A militia member basically tells him to fuck off, with another guy (I think it’s Jack Moore as Curly, but I can’t confirm this) adding, “We got Benjamin Martin. You know what he done to the French.” His expression when he says “French” gets me every time. 

It gets even better when we finally find out a moment later just what Benjamin Martin did to the French. He cut them into fucking pieces and sent those pieces around as a message. So ol’ Curly is telling this French fuck, “We don’t need your pussy soldiers. Our guy straight up mutilates motherfuckers.” 

Historical Accuracy Schmaccuracy

Another knock against this film is that it’s historically inaccurate. This shit used to bother me, but I don’t really care about it anymore. First off, if you’re watching a Roland Emmerich movie for your history, then you’re a moron. Secondly, real life is rarely cinematic, and even when it is, it isn’t cinematic in easy to consume 90+ minute chunks. So things need to change to make the story work. I’m fine with that, though I do have to remind myself that a lot of this stuff is bullshit.

While it’s nice to have a clear, evil villain like Jason Isaacs; he just didn’t exist. The guy Isaacs was based on, Banastre Tarleton, was known for being brutal, but that was probably due to propaganda. The main example of the guy’s brutality was that his soldiers killed a bunch of surrendering Colonials. This is recreated in the film when Isaacs orders all the wounded to be killed at Gibson’s house. In reality, the Colonials were surrendering, and while the white flag was flying a stray bullet took out Tarleton’s horse. His men took that as the Colonials faking surrender to kill their commander and attacked on impulse, killing the surrendering and wounded men. This is still shitty, but it wasn’t done on any orders, and it certainly isn’t like the shit that happens in the movie. You know, like when he orders a church full of civilians to be burnt alive?

But still, in a movie like this, it’s enjoyable to have such a clear-cut bad guy that you want to see killed. That is why I’m also okay with Gibson’s character being presented as almost impossibly good. I’m not watching this movie to get the uneasy feeling of a slave owner fighting for “freedom.” Yes, that is the actual historical case, but I leave that to actual history. I watch The Patriot when I feel like a simple “rah rah America” good time. 

Is a movie being this historically inaccurate dangerous? Maybe, but in today’s world of misinformation and people just flat out denying true shit they just don’t want to believe, who cares about the accuracy of movies? I know I don’t. I know movies are entertainment, and when my children get old enough to watch stuff “based on a true story,” I’m going to go out of my way to be the buzzkill who either explains the real history to them, or at least points them in the direction to find the truth on their own. 

I’m all for important and accurate movies, but I first fell in love with movies for escapism and entertainment. Because of that, I can ignore any issues with The Patriot’s actors and plot and anything else. Sometimes, I just want to see Mel Gibson stab a Redcoat motherfucker in the heart with an American flag and not worry about any of the implications of enjoying such a spectacle.