Alien - Ranked

For the fifteen of you who regularly visit this site, you know the drill: I can’t just watch one entry in a franchise anymore without watching everything, and if I’m going to devote that much time to a series, then I’m going to rank it in an attempt to get tens of clicks. 

I love the Alien franchise, even if I am a little late to the game. Growing up, I don’t think I watched any of them. In fact, when Alien vs. Predator came out, I think it may have technically been only the second Alien movie I had ever seen. Thankfully, I was able to remove my head from my ass and embrace the series. There’s only one movie on this list that I actually dislike, and I still own that one, too, so I enjoyed revisiting all of these. I even watched both the theatrical and unrated/director’s/Special Edition/Assembly Cut versions of all of these this time around, so, where applicable, I’ll also mention which version I prefer. (And if you don’t own the quadrilogy and physical releases of the AVP movies, just keep an eye out for when the series is on Max, which has the alternate cuts under the Extras tab.)

1. Alien

The eternal sci-fi dork question: “Which do you like more, Alien or Aliens?” For me, it’s always been Alien. The mood and tension created by Scott in that film is masterful. I could watch hours of tracking shots through the Nostromo. Add to that the grimy future in which a bunch of space truckers have to fight an alien, and you have one of my favorite films of all time. 

Theatrical or “Director’s Cut”: Ridley Scott introduces the director’s cut by basically saying it’s not a director’s cut, and that the studio just wanted him to make a new cut so they could call it that. He considers the theatrical cut the best version, and so do I. I do like the extended argument about Ripley not opening the airlock, and seeing Dallas and Brett cocooned is cool (though it doesn’t make much sense as there’s no way for them to be impregnated, maybe the xenomorph was saving them on the off chance it found some eggs). But the director’s cut shortens those tracking shots I love, so from here on out, I’m sticking with theatrical.

2. Aliens

Truly one of the best sequels of all time largely because it has no interest in recreating the original. Cameron wanted to make an action movie instead of a horror movie to awesome effect. Assembling a great group of characters and even better actors made the seemingly impossible possible: Cameron made a fun Alien movie.

Theatrical or Special Edition: I’ve seen people shit on the Special Edition for the early scene at the settlement, claiming it ruins the suspense when the Marines show up later. Maybe that’s true the first time you watch this, but come on, who seriously watches this and thinks that everything at the settlement is probably going great? Aside from that, the most important addition was Ripley’s daughter, who lived an entire life and died while Ripley was in cryosleep. Maybe this makes her surrogate motherhood of Newt too obvious, but it works better on me (maybe I’m just a dumbass, though), so I’m a Special Edition guy. And of course Cameron is too; dude never made a movie he didn’t think needed thirty more minutes.

3. Prometheus

And now I’ve lost some of you. I don’t care. I love this movie. At this point in the series, they had milked the Ripley character and the xenomorphs all that they possibly could. So instead of returning to that well, Scott instead decided to connect the series to the origin of humanity. I can see why people found it unnecessary or silly or stupid, but I was on board from the very beginning with this one. And Michael Fassbender as David is the perfect element that puts this above everything but the first two films for me. 

Shockingly, there’s no other cut of this one.

4. Alien³

And I’ve lost the rest of you. Sure, the behind the scenes drama is arguably more interesting than the movie itself, but I’ve always dug Fincher’s vision. To go from the guns blazing adrenaline shot of Aliens to this dour, gun-less nihilistic take is a bold choice, and I’m all for it. 

Theatrical or Assembly Cut: There are those that find the theatrical cut unwatchable and claim the Assembly Cut saves the film. I certainly prefer the Assembly Cut, but I don’t hate the theatrical cut like many do. I find it a little confusing at times, but the overall mood and aesthetic of the film is intact. But yeah, the Assembly Cut is far and away the better version.

5. Alien: Covenant

I’m still disappointed that this is only half a sequel to Prometheus, and the most interesting parts happened between movies or in a brief flashback. But overall, this is a good combination of what the series was and what Scott turned it into. And Fassbender in a dual role is simply a delight. 

There is only the theatrical cut of this film.

6. Alien: Romulus

I wrote more in depth about the film here. But basically, a couple fan service moments really took me out of it, but the overall look of the movie and the simple focus on survival made it enjoyable for me, though nothing special.

There is only the theatrical cut of this one, for now.

7. Alien: Resurrection

I hated this the first time I saw it, but I come around on it a bit more each time I watch it. I appreciate the hardcore sci-fi turn they took setting it two hundred years farther into the future. It’s a bit goofier and nastier than all the other movies, but you can’t claim it didn’t go for something new. But it’s low on my list because it’ll always be the movie in which Ripley fucking dunked a basketball.

Theatrical or Special Edition: Much like with the first film, Jeunet says the theatrical is his preferred cut and this was just made for the Quadrilogy release. The main differences I clocked were a silly CG bug opening, a couple references to Newt, and an extended ending showing a destroyed Paris. None of it added much for me. I’m okay with watching the theatrical cut if that’s all that’s available to me, but I guess if the Special Edition is an option, I’ll take it.

8. Alien vs. Predator 

Don’t be fooled by this low ranking; I actually like this stupid shit. It helps that I don’t take it seriously, and I don’t consider it to be truly part of the franchise. It definitely takes itself a little too seriously and takes too long setting up characters we all know are destined to be chestbursted or…um…Predatorized, but there’s still fun to be had with this one, even if it is more of a Predator than an Alien movie. 

Theatrical or Unrated: This one caught some extra shit for being PG-13 when the two series it was mashing up were exclusively R, and I agree with the criticism. They attempted to mend this with an unrated DVD that includes a promise of “more violence” on the back. The unrated cut fixes this a little bit with some CG blood and few slightly more gruesome elements, but this is still far too tame for this showdown. But yeah, if I’m watching this, I’m going unrated every time.

9. Alien vs. Predator: Requiem

The only movie on this list I don’t like and don’t want to ever see again. I like the premise of the fight taking place in a small town, and there’s plenty of gruesome shit in this, but it’s all so dark it might as well be PG-13-level violence. Also, this should be more fun, but it’s just a slog, and when I can’t even tell what’s going on in the slog, then it’s something I’d rather not watch again.

Theatrical or Unrated: I really don’t care. The back of this DVD promised “more gore,” but the only thing that would have interested me was “more light.” The unrated cut does show a young boy die from a chestburster if that’s something you want to see.

Alien: Romulus - This One's for the Holmies

SPOILERS THROUGHOUT

Alien: Romulus is meant to be a return to form for the franchise after Ridley Scott’s more ambitious prequel films about the origin of humanity and an android’s obsession with creating life failed to resonate (though I was a big fan of both). Instead of following David on his next misadventure, Romulus is a safe play, directly following the original film and drawing inspiration from all of them. In other words, it was meant to appeal to fans. In that regard, it’s a bit of a mixed bag. 

At first, I was in love with this movie. The dreary dystopian mine planet and all the recreated technology from the original film completely hooked me. Because of that, I’ll gladly revisit this film for years to come. It’s not trying to expound on any big ideas; it’s just a solid survival movie that looks great…until the ghost of Ian Holm showed up.

The de-aging stuff that Hollywood (but especially Disney) insists on forcing on us doesn’t bother me as much as it seems to bother others. Don’t get me wrong, I think most of it looks strange, and it almost always takes me out of the movie; but it doesn’t ruin it for me. Holm in this one almost did, though. 

It’s not the quality of the de-aging, even though it’s not great as Holm’s eyes look odd and his mouth somehow looks 2D while the rest of his face is 3D. It’s how unnecessary it is that gets to me. He’s not playing Ash, so it didn’t have to be Holm. And in the original film, everyone was shocked that Ash was a robot, but if his likeness was a standard model, wouldn’t at least one person be aware of it? Ignoring that possible plot hole, who was this for? Is there anyone in the audience thinking, “Fuck yeah, they brought Holm back from the dead!”? 

Sure, there’s a precedent for androids looking identical with David and Walter in Covenant, but that was done for dramatic effect (whether that was effective or not is beside the point). And it wasn’t like they digitally recreated Fassbender for it. 

I’ve read articles about how Holm’s family gave it the okay, and it was meant as a tribute from the filmmakers, but it was simply a distraction for me, which is why the bulk of this article is about the use of Holm instead of the aesthetics or action or new creatures. Once I accept it, though, it’s easy to enjoy the rest of the film.

While others have bemoaned the fact that Romulus doesn’t attempt to take the franchise in a bold new direction as Aliens (turning to action), Alien³ (turning to nihilism), Alien: Resurrection (turning French?), AVP and AVP: Requiem (turning it all into a joke) and Prometheus and Covenant had before it, I didn’t mind. Not every movie needs to take a big swing if it can deliver a solid bunt that advances a runner. And Romulus is a serviceable bunt. I know that makes it sound like it sucks shit, but I truly mean it as a compliment. 

Romulus is a fun enough ride to make me forget the lesser elements like Holm and the sometimes incomprehensible accents from some of the actors (apparently on loan from the Red Riding trilogy). All of the space stuff looks great, the acting is fine, with David Jonsson the standout as android Andy, and there’s plenty of facehugger and alien nastiness to keep things moving. And that Engineer-looking monstrosity at the end was truly disturbing. 

It certainly felt like none of Romulus matters much to the franchise as whole, and that’s fine with me. If the studio isn’t going to let Ridley Scott make more Fassbender-as-Old-Testament-android-God-creating-new-life movies, then I’ll take one of these from Fede Alvarez (or whomever) every few years.

Random Thought

I don’t have a lot of randomness to comment on, not until I watch it again at least, but I did want to write a bit about the “Get away from her, you bitch” line. Initially, I fucking hated the inclusion of the line. It made no sense for a character to quote another character from a movie that hasn’t happened yet in the timeline. But then I read a defense of the line that points out one of the Red Riding dickheads calls Andy a bitch earlier in the movie, so that’s why he said it. Fine, I guess that works as an explanation. But come on, it was just there in the hopes that dildos like me would say, “Ha ha, just like in Aliens!” So even with the explanation, I still fucking hate it.