Cobra - Arrow 4K

This release came out last year, but I finally grabbed it a couple weeks ago, so I figured I’d get into a couple interesting things about it. First, though, being into physical media right now is getting a little silly. Most of the heavy hitter movies and franchises have been released already with a plethora of special features over the years. We’re running out of big movies to give the special treatment to. Case in point: Cobra. While I like this movie, it’s definitely a guilty pleasure. The main thing I remember about it from childhood is Stallone’s car, that awesome pouring Pepsi display in the grocery store, cutting pizza with scissors, a weird robot photo shoot, and the sweaty bad guy yelling “Pig!” a bunch. 

But I’m not alone, which is why this has seen special editions over the years, culminating in this release from Arrow. You can tell they are in on the joke by the image on the front of the collectible booklet of a slice of pizza and scissors. It’s as if they're saying, “Yeah, we know this is pretty stupid, but you dorks keep buying this shit, so let’s have some fun.”

All this is to say I don’t have some revisionist take on this movie in relation to the ‘80s or the action genre. It’s just an okay Stallone movie from the ‘80s with a few unique touches. If you want something deeper, then by all means buy this and listen to the two commentaries from critics and historians or read the multiple essays in the booklet. I’m just going to get into a few random thoughts and the special features.

Random Thoughts / Favorite Quotes

Multiple dudes in suits are at the last cult meeting. How did that recruitment go?

“Hey, random businessman, want to join my axe cult?”

“Maybe…what do you guys do?”

“We stand around and clang axes together.”

“When and where is the next meeting?”

“Not many people can put up with how I live.” No shit, you cutting-pizza-with-scissors and gun-cleaning-kit-in-an-egg-carton weirdo. Go fall asleep in your bedroom with a giant neon Pepsi sign right outside. 

You know, for the leader of an axe cult, the leader is way too into knives.

That police sketch is hilarious, but you know, if I saw that, and I ran into Brian Thompson out in the wild, I would recognize him from it.

This movie is so weird about food. There’s this moment with Cobra and Gonzales picking over Neilsen's hospital food leftovers.

I wonder if the Seinfeld writers got the Kenny Roger's Roasters idea from the giant neon Pepsi sign outside of Cobra's apartment.

On the food note, Cobra offers a bite of his apple. Is this something people do?

“He sure is great at catching psychos.”

The attempt at comedy in this movie is so fucking bad. I do love that image of Cobra holding a giant burger, though.

“I want some answers!”

“When you get them, let me know.”

Even Cobra himself doesn't know what the fuck is going on in this movie.

The John Cafferty song at the end is great.

Transfer and Special Features

Arrow releases always look great, and this is no exception. It’s one of those that kind of feels wrong to look this good.

A lot of the special features are archival, but I had never seen them. Most of the interviews are good, and Brian Thompson’s is the standout. It’s great how candid everyone is with this film, pointing out how Stallone had just as much, if not more, power on the set as director George P. Cosmatos. You get a sense from everyone that this film was surprisingly loose, and if you could get Stallone’s attention, then changes could be made.

The Interviews 

Brian Thompson's archival interview is great and candid. Hates George Cosmatos (nicknamed George “Comatose”) to the point that he says, “I should really say something nice about George Cosmatos…but I can’t think of anything.”

He confirms that it was a mess, and even he didn't know much about his character.

Marco Rodríguez talks about Stallone basically being the director. Cosmatos would say things, but Stallone had the final word on everything.

Andrew Davis says his character was originally going to be revealed to be a cult member with a huge satanic tattoo on his chest. Davis talked Stallone out of it by pointing out that so many characters had already been killed, so why not just punch him out so Davis doesn't have to get the makeup for the tattoo done. 

Davis flat out says he didn't like the script.

It must've been absolutely fucking nuts on that set.

Davis didn't like the movie, but it did pay for his house that he lives in to this day.

Art LaFleur also says Stallone was a co-director.

He said he didn't get to know Brigitte Nielsen well because “Stallone was getting it on with her.”

The TV Edit

Perhaps the most unique feature is the inclusion of the TV edit of the film, which is presented in standard definition and 4:3 format. They included it because some extra scenes were added. I was hoping for some major changes, but it’s just a bit more stuff with Brian Thompson, like showing him at work cutting up fish. And there’s a scene with a kid delivering a box that contains a victim’s severed hands to the police. It’s an interesting watch for weirdos like me, but it’s not like some wildly different director’s cut or anything. But I’m glad that Arrow gets stuff like this.

The Commentaries and Pizza Scissors

I only listened to the commentaries during the pizza cutting scene to see if there were any insights about the film’s most famous scene. One commentary claims it's an Italian thing because Scorsese's mother cut pizza with scissors on Letterman. But she said it was because her mother-in-law taught her to do this to avoid scratching the pan. It still doesn't make sense to just cut a little piece off the end of a leftover slice.

Another commentary suggests it's just an example of showing what a fucking weirdo Cobra is, and I like that explanation more.

Cosmatos is more in the camp of it just being an example of Cobra being a weirdo. He does express regret for not getting some kind of pizza product placement. Hell, why not? It would go great with the giant Pepsi sign.

Another mystery of the film is the gangbanger’s exposed mic near the beginning of the film. Cosmatos confirms that the exposed mic is in fact a mistake. Others have wondered if it was Cobra exposing the guy as a narc. But no, it's a mistake that Cosmatos claimed no one would notice unless he pointed it out. Perhaps true back when I watched this on my floor model Zenith, but it’s pretty fucking clear now.

Michael - Joe Jackson Jump Scares

I didn’t originally plan on writing anything about Michael. For one thing, I just watched it this past weekend, weeks after its initial release. Secondly, I’m not that into posthumously repairing Jackson’s legacy by focusing on the music and ignoring the allegations and trials and everything. Finally, I’m just not that big of a fan. Yeah, the music is undeniable, but for the majority of my life Jackson has been a punchline more than an icon. After watching the film, I felt the need to point out a few things I liked or found interesting. But I mainly wanted to compare it to The Mandalorian and Grogu. Hear me out.

I liked The Mandalorian and Grogu more than most largely because I altered my expectations for the franchise. I simply didn’t hold that film up to the standards I would for any other movie. I didn’t care that it didn’t really add anything to the mythology or develop the characters or their relationships. None of it mattered. But I still had a good time because I prepared myself beforehand. I was okay with spending more time with these characters along with some serviceable action and recognizable Star Wars shit peppered in. That’s not how movies are supposed to work, but I wanted to like it because it was Star Wars. 

The same is true of Michael. Its insane success can only be chalked up to an existing fanbase that simply wanted to relive his most iconic moments…up to a certain point.  This movie consists primarily of musical performances and Michael’s process of writing songs. There’s a healthy dose of Colman Dominigo’s Joe Jackson looking like a goblin showing his open mouthed look of angry befuddlement every fifteen minutes or so. And there are a few key moments that get special attention like the introduction of Bubbles, the filming of Thriller, and the burning accident during the Pepsi commercial. 

But beyond Joe being a domineering and abusive father, we get no insight into Michael as a character. This is a film in which the biggest pop star in the country still lives with his parents (watching movies and eating popcorn with his mother most nights), has a pet chimp and giraffe, has a bedroom that a typical nine-year-old would love, and no one ever says anything about it. Sure, the film makes it very clear that fame kept Michael from having a normal childhood. I’m all for making up for lost time, but the fact that this movie presents his life as even remotely normal is insane to me. 

Beyond that, Michael doesn’t feel like a person at any point in the film. Perhaps this is by design, meant to show what fame did to Michael. But I didn’t get much of a sense of that, either. It felt more like they just wanted to play the hits with as little complications as possible. This may not have been the original intent of the film, since the ending had to be changed late in the process. The film was supposed to end in the early '90s when the first child abuse allegations were made and the police raided his Neverland Ranch. (According to some slight Googling, this had to be scrapped because of the settlement made from those allegations forbidding any movie or show dramatizing the events.)

Had they gone that route, I don’t think the film would have been nearly as successful, though I would have found it a bit more interesting. Not many fans would have wanted that. First off, a lot of them don’t believe ANY of the allegations (this is anecdotal, but any post I’ve looked into online about this always has plenty of commenters making the case that literally every bad thing ever said about Jackson is a lie), so if you’re making a movie about him, you’ll probably need to keep those fans happy. With that in mind, we ended up with this fan film, meant to remind us of the great moments, and we can fill in the blanks ourselves with questions about his lifestyle. 

Once again, that’s not how movies work, and any other film in which the main character buys a giraffe and a chimp would spend at least a couple scenes diving deeper into what’s going on. But anyone just wanting to watch a pretty good impression of Jackson (done by his nephew Jaafar Jackson) as he moonwalks and sings the hits will be pleased with this. 

For people like me that aren’t all that into the music, I had to find enjoyment elsewhere, which is where Colman Domingo skulks into the picture. Fixed with a pretty crazy-looking set of contact lenses, Domingo is far and away the best part of this film. Much like Michael, there isn’t really any exploration of his character. He starts off the film as a demanding, controlling prick, and he ends the film the same way. But Domingo is such a presence that I didn’t mind. Hell, I enjoyed every one of those Joe Jackson jump scares when Michael would be coming home and then - violin screech - it’s Joe going through records in the bedroom! And his scene with Deon Cole as Don King was easily my favorite moment in the entire film. It’s as if they had a behind-the-scenes competition to see who could make the most weird grunts and whatnot while they smoked cigars and made terrible deals.

But that’s just me. Perhaps I should take Bubbles’s advice from the John Mulaney interview and “Just listen to the music.” That’s what most of the audience is doing, and they seem to be enjoying themselves. But you can’t do this with every movie or franchise. You can’t make yourself like something unless you already love the subject material. But thinking about how I am with Star Wars helped me understand how so many people could love this forgettable (in my opinion, of course) fluff piece that virtually ignores what Michael Jackson is just as famous for at this point. To each their own fandom. At least I got a few kicks out of goblin Joe Jackson.

Random Thoughts

The Mike Myers scene baffled me. First off, is this some weird requirement for these bland superstar fluff biopics between this and Bohemian Rhapsody? Myers has to show up, look unrecognizable, sit behind a desk, and do executive shit? Why? Anyway, it worked as far as the makeup goes because I did not recognize him until I saw his name in the credits on IMDb. But that scene encapsulates my primary issues with the movie. Michael and Miles Teller show up at his office (he’s the head of CBS music) and demand that Michael’s videos be played on MTV. Myers balks at this, explaining that they never play videos from black artists. Okay, fine, and apparently the head of CBS did have to do this. But the film didn’t acknowledge any of this beforehand. We aren’t told that this is an issue at all until they show up and fix it. The scene ends in this big triumph with Michael in the crowded streets being worshiped like a god while Myers looks down from his office with a look that says, “You did it, you son of a bitch.” Once again, fine and whatnot, but that scene would have had a lot more impact if there had just been one scene in which they discuss how MTV refuses to play his videos.

Star Wars: The Mandalorian and Grogu - None of This Matters, and That's Fine

It’s hard to keep up with what’s going on with Star Wars these days. After finishing up the sequel trilogy with the jumbled Rise of Skywalker (a movie I enjoyed, though I found it sloppy as shit), all feature films were put on hold or canceled and the focus pivoted to streaming shows, both live action and animated, on Disney+. After years of theater silence, Disney announced they would turn their most popular show, The Mandalorian, into a feature film: The Mandalorian and Grogu. 

After my disappointment in the sequel trilogy, I altered my expectations of all things Star Wars. Between all the new movies and shows, it had ceased to be as special as it was when I was younger. And that’s fine. I told myself that Star Wars used to be special, but now it’s just another franchise I like. All I want from Star Wars is decent action and set pieces, a little bit of humor, and something I can enjoy with my children. With that mindset, I took my kids to see The Mandalorian and Grogu. 

On the first point, the film is a huge success. This doesn’t feel like a 2+ hour movie because it is filled with action. Just like the show, the action moves from one planet to another in seconds. There is no planning or fretting or building a team. It’s just, “We need to go here.” Cut to: a ship coming out of hyperspace at said planet. So there’s not much time for character development or big revelations. But there is plenty of time for shooting droids and fighting giant, gross beasts. 

As for the humor, that depends on how cute and funny you find Grogu (AKA Baby Yoda) and the little Babu Frik creatures that mumble like the Star Wars version of the Minions. Grogu still works for me, and Babu Frik was one of my favorite parts of Rise of Skywalker, so I had a few laughs with this. And I looked it up and the Babu Frik things are Anzellans, but if you knew that you probably hated this movie without even watching it, so who fucking cares?

Finally, and most importantly, will kids like this? Mine certainly did. My two oldest children (nine and seven) have been great movie-goers for a while now, but I still find it impressive when they sit through over two hours of a live action movie without needing to use the bathroom or ask a hundred questions. The Mandalorian and Grogu kept their full attention throughout. 

But this isn’t a straight-up kids movie or anything. It’s rated PG-13, and it’s arguably the most violent film in the franchise. My kids were fine aside from my daughter being a little scared a couple times at some of the more menacing aliens. But it’s still a lot of shooting and killing. Sure, it’s mainly droids and CG aliens, but there’s still a level of brutality to some of the action that isn’t there in the other films. 

The Mandalorian and Grogu cleared my admittedly low bar for an acceptable Star Wars movie, but others might be rightfully disappointed with it. It is a continuation of the TV show, and since that show already achieved its biggest moments (even giving the two main characters a satisfying closure), there isn’t much for them to do here. If this was a three or four episode arc on the show, I would consider them fun but inconsequential episodes for the overall series. If you’re just looking for more Mandalorian action, this is fine. If you’re expecting some big, world-changing moments, you’ll be disappointed. 

Because of that, this is the first Star Wars movie that doesn’t really feel like…well…Star Wars. There is no opening crawl; there are credits at the beginning; there isn’t a lightsaber (not even the Darksaber), etc. Even the music is quite different. In fact, I found the music (by Ludwig Göransson, who worked on the show) to be one of the most interesting aspects of the film. I love the classic John Williams stuff, but that music is for a different type of Star Wars movie. This is different, and the music matches that. 

It might be hard for some fans to accept, but Star Wars is different now. I’d argue it’s been different for over a decade, and people should already be used to it. You can either make your peace with it and enjoy a new movie from time to time, or you can start hating nearly all of it. I want to like Star Wars. It’s far too easy these days to poke holes in everything and ruin it. I’m guilty of this, but not with Star Wars. It might not be special the way it was thirty years ago, but it will always be a special franchise for me and my children. It’s just different now, and that’s okay.

Random Thoughts (SPOILERS)

It’s probably a bad sign that I didn’t reference the plot at all in my review, but it’s truly inconsequential. I guess it’s interesting that they brought back the Hutt from the Clone Wars movie (you know, that other Star Wars movie that doesn’t matter?), but I didn’t really care. 

I wish they didn’t add Star Wars to the title.

The opening credits might be pissing some people off (and if that’s the case, just stop and think about what it means if an opening credits sequence makes you angry), but I liked the wackiness of seeing Martin Scorsese’s name onscreen in a Star Wars movie. 

Good for them for not having any mid- or end credits bullshit. It was nice to just get up and go when it was over.

The arena battle was like the holochess (I know, I know, it’s Dejarik) game from A New Hope. And the giant droids near the end were given some stop-motion style movements that I appreciated. (Update: I just watched the Red Letter Media video about the film, and they brought this up and pointed out that it was stop motion done by Phil Tippett.) This movie does look great, and all the creature and droid animations have come a long way.

People might complain about this movie not mattering, but did any of the sequel trilogy movies “matter”? 

I did a full series rewatch (including The Book of Boba Fett) for this, and that was not necessary.

I guess Sigourney Weaver is kind of taking the place of Carl Weathers. I wish they would have acknowledged him in some way, though. (After a quick Google, apparently there is an Easter egg or two for him, so I guess there’s that.) 

I’m still enough of a dork to recognize Dave Filoni in a small role.

The movie truly is a two-hander with Grogu when he takes care of a dying Mando for an extended sequence. It’s arguably the best segment of the film.

I loved all the mishmashed droids at the Hutt palace.

Is it a Hutt requirement to have a giant beast under the floor in their hangout room?

Not sure why they had to get Jeremy Allen White for Rottu, but whatever. He’s fine, I guess.

So the series and now the movie make it seem like it was a priority to stop former Empire guys from starting a new Empire, or perhaps a First Order, but what the fuck happened? Is it all just because of Thrawn or something? How many Disney+ series will it take to explain how this bullshit happened. I truly wish they would just scrap the sequel trilogy from canon.

Finally, I’m just glad I got to go to the theater to watch a Star Wars movie again. I try to keep up with all of the streaming stuff, but there’s so damn much of it. It was nice to have something that didn’t require hours of lore homework.

Aesthetics of a Bullet - Radiance

My journey through Asian cinema continues with a break from Hong Kong and a foray into the mean streets of early 1970s Japan in Sadao Nakajima’s Aesthetics of a Bullet (available from Radiance on June 2). 

The summary of the film had me immediately excited: a young fuckhead (Tsunehiko Watase) is given a bunch of money and a gun and sent into enemy gang territory to stir things up and start a war. In Yakuza terms, he is a bullet. A tool to be used and discarded. But instead of gang warfare anarchy, Aesthetics is a character study of Watase and his inability to even pretend to be a big deal. 

I would have loved to see a couple hours of unhinged Yakuza gang violence, but Aesthetics provides a much more thoughtful and interesting story. It is essentially a journey for Watase learning that he is not special, and no amount of money or pretending can change that. 

Aesthetics is compared to Taxi Driver in promotional materials by pointing out that it predates Scorsese’s film by three years. This isn’t a plagiarism claim; it’s meant to point out that this film is just as effective of a character study of a delusional man. But where Taxi Driver has this moment of catharsis at the end for Bickle (though there are still hints that he’s not well), Aesthetics of a Bullet has a much more somber, realistic ending for Watase. 

This is truly Watase’s film because his character is not a good person. He’s physically abusive to his supportive girlfriend, and he’s one of those annoying losers that doesn’t understand why he’s a loser. One of those people that blame the world for their problems and never look inward. This guy fucks up being a fuckup. It should be an unbearable movie, following this guy around. But Watase makes him compelling. I won’t say I was rooting for him by the end, but I wanted to know how his story ended whereas in lesser hands I would’ve just been waiting for my time with the character to end. 

Aesthetics of a Bullet certainly isn’t as well-known as Taxi Driver (I had never heard of it before I received this advance copy for review), but it’s easily on the same level. It doesn’t contain the violence you might expect, but it will still leave you reflecting on humanity and purpose in life.

Random Thoughts

Watase is the draw here, but Nakajima puts his stamp on the film, as well. My favorite was the opening montage set to “Don’t Mess Around with Me” by Brain Police as footage of excess is shown cutting back and forth from overindulging in food and drink and garbage. Gross and effective, perfectly setting up the world of the film.

Transfer and Special Features

Radiance is up there with Arrow and other heavy hitters in the physical media world. Everything they make is going to look great, and the special features will be extensive. That said, this film is on the forgotten side, so there are just three interviews included. Two are with filmmakers Robert Schwentke and Kazuyoshi Kamakiri in which they praise Nakajima’s work. Those are new for this release. The third interview is archival from a few years ago with Nakajima himself, and it mainly focuses on working with Watase.

The Angry River - 88 Films

As my journey through Hong Kong cinema continues, it only makes sense that I should check out The Angry River (available for pre-order or regular order, if you’re reading this after May 12), the first film produced by Golden Harvest, a company I previously only knew from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies. Obviously, my experience with martial arts movies is peripheral at best. I’ve watched spoofs of stuff like this (Kung Pow: Enter the Fist is my shit), but very little of the actual cinema being spoofed. In other words, I’m familiar with the clichés. 

In that regard, The Angry River is very enjoyable, and even comforting in a way. There are the familiar fight sound effects (the whooshing and clanging), the laughing villains (every time a bad guy speaks, he has to cackle first), the repeated musical cues, and plenty of action with bare minimum plot. It’s an easy watch, though it’s not all that memorable aside from being the first film of an iconic production company. 

There are a few surprises scattered throughout. A lot of the fights are fairly mundane, but suddenly there will be a decapitation or a hand cut off and the blood will flow. And then there was my favorite moment involving a bog monster. The costume certainly wasn’t at the level of the first TMNT movie, but any time a bog monster showers up unexpectedly, it’s a bit of a treat. 

Aside from that, this is a good example for me of what this genre was at the time: a simple story with plenty of fighting. I had a hard time keeping up with what sect was what and who was killing who, but the general plot was simple enough: the daughter of a champion must get the antidote to his poison and return to save him. The catch is that by attaining the antidote, she loses her “martial arts.” But if she takes the antidote for herself, she gains even more power than she had before. It’s all about honor and all that good stuff, but I just enjoyed how each character talked about the “martial world,” like everyone who practiced martial arts lived on a different plane of existence. It helps justify the supernatural elements. 

The Angry River isn’t the best of the genre, but it’s certainly an important entry, and though I still have a lot of catching up to do, I would say this is required viewing. And for those more in the know than me, this release is certainly the best option for physical media. It looks great and comes in the 88 Films slipcase I’ve grown so fond of recently. There is also a commentary with Asian cinema expert Frank Djeng, and the newly produced artwork looks fantastic.