Friday, March 31, 2023

David Cronenberg - Ranked


A site I occasionally contribute to (Midwest Film Journal) is doing a series on David Cronenberg during March. I typically try to contribute to as many series as I can, but Cronenberg was a bit of a blindspot for me. But I had recently enjoyed Crimes of the Future a lot more than I expected to, so I volunteered to cover that film. As I wrote my article for Crimes, I felt that it lacked the perspective of Cronenberg’s entire career. This was partly intentional, as I wanted to comment on a non-fan’s experience with the film, especially since Cronenberg’s body horror fans had expressed disappointment in the film. 


I’m proud of the article I wrote, and I could have left it at that, but the podcasts I listen to have put me in completionist mode. With Gourley and Rust tend to take on entire franchises (which led me to rewatch every Final Destination last week, so be on the lookout for that ranking, as well) and Blank Check almost exclusively works through a director’s entire filmography (coincidentally, Cronenberg is a possible future subject for them, so fingers crossed on that one so I don’t feel like I’m alone in watching all these movies). So lately I’ve been watching all these franchises and filmographies to keep up with the podcasts I listen to, so it just made sense to me to do that with Cronenberg, especially since he was such a blindspot for me.


Having made it through every film, I realized two things. First, my opinion of Crimes of the Future didn’t change; after all, I try to judge a movie on its own, not as part of a career. Second, I’m a Cronenberg fan. Before I dove into these movies, I thought I just liked his non-body horror Viggo Mortensen stuff. But as it turns out, I like damn near everything he’s made, and his career is much more varied than people give him credit for. 


Finally, I wanted to point out a couple of oddities I came across in the IMDb trivia section of most of Cronenberg’s movies. On his more recent movies, some bitter Canuck has added a trivia entry along the lines that even though Cronenberg has been a champion of Canadian cinema and actors, he chose not to use Canadian actors in the starring roles, etc. They even go so far as to give him shit for not filming certain movies in Canada, like Eastern Promises and A Dangerous Method. Because, you know, Russian gangsters and Sigmund Freud are the first things that come to mind when you think of Canada. On a more positive note, some Cronenberg fan has added a trivia entry for nearly every film about how the studio didn’t have faith in the film and failed to promote it properly causing the film to bomb. Sure, that’s why Crimes of the Future wasn’t a hit. It has nothing to do with the fact that Cronenberg has always been more interested in challenging his audience rather than making money.  


Anyway, enough rambling. I’ll try to keep these entries short since there are 22 of them. As always, this is just my personal ranking, and I imagine no two Croenenberg fans would ever come up with identical lists. Here’s my ranking of every David Cronenberg film.


22. Crimes of the Future


This is the 1970 experimental film, not the recent, mostly unrelated version. The first two movies Cronenberg made are pretty much student films, and I couldn’t get into them at all. And this one features some truly disturbing shit that I found unnecessary.


21. Stereo


This is Cronenberg’s first film, but once again this is basically a silent studio film. It was like watching random scenes with the voiceover of someone reading a research essay. Not a good time.


20. Fast Company


This drag racing movie isn’t bad, but it just feels like a director-for-hire job even though Cronenberg clearly has a love of cars. Aside from that, there’s nothing interesting going on with this one.


19. Cosmopolis


From this point forward, I like every film, so don’t think that this placement is indicative of the quality of the film. It’s just that this one interested me the least. I think if I had read the source material, I would appreciate this one more. As it is, I still enjoy Pattinson’s performance and the general insanity of the film.


18. Shivers


I consider this to be Cronenberg’s first proper film. It’s a fun, low budget sex zombie movie that I mainly enjoyed because of all the Canadian weirdos Cronenberg had to cast. Joe Silver was a standout, mainly because of a scene in which he’s eating a sandwich and matter-of-factly describing some crazy shit about parasites and an inappropriate relationship his colleague was having.


17. Spider


Ralph Fiennes is good in this film about a recently released mental patient working through his personal history and trauma. It’s just that this is such a slog to get through, which is rare for Cronenberg. I still found it compelling at times, but it’s one of the only films on this list that I thought was too long.


16. Maps to the Stars


Not Cronenberg’s most subtle work as it’s not unique to claim that Hollywood is full of fucked up people. Still, the buildup of nihilistic, horrible behavior from nearly every character leads to a satisfying series of fucked up events. But there is a fire effect near the end that is so bad it mars the entire film for me.


15. Rabid


This zombie/armpit vampire exploitation movie is a lot of fun. Joe Silver shows up again, which is nice. You could really see the beginnings of Cronenberg’s thematic future with this one. Oh, and Canada is the place to be if a zombie-ish outbreak occurs because they converted their sanitation department into a zombie kill and dispose squad with frightening speed.


14. The Brood


This is the most disturbing film in Cronenberg’s filmography for me, primarily because he has stated that a lot of this film is in response to a divorce/custody battle he was involved in. And there is a downright horrifying scene that takes place in a kindergarten classroom. I really need a follow up with those child extras to find out if they all turned out all right or if this movie fucked them up for life. 


13. M. Butterfly


I didn’t even know this film existed, much less that Cronenberg directed it, but I was pleasantly surprised by this. Mainly, I enjoyed that it moved so quickly when period pieces such as this can sometimes drag on and on. Here, years fly by in the story. Cronenberg has always been an efficient director, and this film is a great example of that. He’s also capable of getting amazing performances out of high level actors, which is certainly the case here with Jeremy Irons (more on him farther down the list) and John Lone.


12. Dead Ringers


Now I’m getting into territory in which people will emphatically disagree with me, as Dead Ringers is a favorite among many fans. To be clear, I like every movie from 19 on down, so this is not a knock against Ringers, this is just personal preference. Still, this movie is an achievement. First off, Cronenberg does an amazing job of making it seem like there are really two Jeremy Ironses throughout. Of course, that is a bit easier when Irons is giving two completely different, and great, performances. You forget that it’s actually just one actor, and that’s the best possible outcome for a film like this.


11. Crash


Unfortunately, this has to forever be referred to as “the good Crash” after the hated Best Picture winner went with the same title. Anyway, this is a wildly different, and better film. Perhaps at the time, it was shocking. But when you watch this as part of a two-week long marathon of Cronenberg, it seems kind of normal. Still, I got a kick out of this just for how fucking horny every character is. I wish the film would have leaned into the dark comedy of it a bit more, but it’s still enjoyable on that level. It also makes for a good double feature with Shivers as both movies are essentially about sex zombies.


10. A Dangerous Method


I would not have thought this film would crack the top ten when I first set out to rank these films. I watched it when it first came out and had forgotten most of it, which I assumed meant it wasn’t very good. Rewatching it, I found it very compelling, even if it is necessarily talky. Like Dead Ringers and M. Butterfly before it, this is all about the performances, and Fassbender, Mortensen, and (especially) Knightley are all fantastic.


9. Naked Lunch


Weird, even by Cronenberg standards. He found a way to adapt an “unfilmable” novel by also making it a quasi biography of William Burroughs. This is definitely one you either go with or dismiss, and I went with it. 


8. Scanners


I always think I like this movie more than I actually do. In my memory, it’s great (that fucking head explosion!), but when I watch it, I take issue with a lot of it, mainly because I think the story is too ambitious. But when it works, it really works. As I compiled my list, this one kept creeping up more and more even though I found it weaker than films I ranked below it. I guess I just admire what the film tried to be more than what it actually is.


7. The Fly


If I didn’t lose you with Dead Ringers’s ranking, then I have now. Look, I totally get how this could be someone’s favorite Croneneberg, and in many ways, I think it is his best film on a technical level. But this shit truly disgusts me at times, making it much less rewatchable than a lot of his other films, and rewatchability matters to me.


6. The Dead Zone


This is another film elevated by the star performance. Along with the performance, Cronenberg makes you truly feel the cursed nature of Christopher Walken’s “gift.” Usually with a film like this, I find myself annoyed when a character doesn’t want to use their special ability, but with this one, I get why it would suck to have that power. Cronenberg and Walken brought surprising depth and emotion to what could have been a Stephen King cash grab.


5. eXistenZ


Now this is what I think of as typical Cronenberg. There are weird, flesh pod things, guns made out of flesh and bone that shoot teeth, etc. It’s gross and fucked up, and the whole thing is a constant mind fuck in which you never know what’s real and what’s not. In other words, it’s one of Cronenberg’s fun movies.


4. Crimes of the Future


Yet another ranking that will lose people. For my full thoughts, check out the article I wrote for Midwest Film Journal. But I’ll just point out here that this film turned me into a Cronenberg fan and prompted me to watch all 22 of his movies. 


3. Videodrome


This is Cronenberg’s career-defining film even though the majority of his work doesn’t involve body horror. But this isn’t so much about body horror as it is about the dangers technology presents to humanity, which is a common theme in his filmography. The technology (VHS tapes) might date this film, but its themes and warnings are timeless. And it features Cronenberg’s most infectious line: “Long live the new flesh!”


2. Eastern Promises


I like this film more each time I watch it. The naked fight and the vicious throat slashings get a lot of attention, but this is another film anchored by performance. This is arguably Mortensen’s best work with Cronenberg (which is saying a lot). Cronenberg perfectly creates a criminal underworld for Mortensen to inhabit, and it leads to one of his most effective, emotional endings.


1. A History of Violence


This was my favorite before I started this project, and it never changed, but the reasons certainly did. Originally, I just found this to be one of Cronenberg’s most accessible and entertaining films. It is still that, with Mortensen doing great work in his first collaboration with Cronenberg and William Hurt showing up and taking over the movie with just one scene, but now I enjoy it as part of Cronenberg’s varied filmography. Yeah, he’s known as the body horror guy, but that shit is only a small portion of his 22 films. In a way, Cronenberg is like Mortensen’s character; he has a violent, disturbing past/reputation, but he also can live in the “normal” world, too. Looking back, A History of Violence is the best of both of Cronenberg’s worlds, which makes it my favorite of all his films.

Wednesday, March 15, 2023

Leprechaun - Ranked


Lately, I’ve been watching whatever movies the podcasts I listen to cover. With Gourley and Rust covered Leprechaun a few weeks back, but I held off on watching it because it wasn’t available on any of my streaming services at the time. Then March rolls around, and the evil geniuses at Peacock decide to add seven of the eight (I know, right? Eight of these motherfuckers?) Leprechaun movies, I assume because of St. Patrick’s Day. Well, seven of those and one Vudu rental later, I watched the whole franchise because I’ve suddenly become a completionist when it comes to franchises and filmographies. No way was I going to try to write full articles about each of these movies, but I did want to at least document my ranking of the series so that my suffering wasn’t in vain.


With that, here is my ranking of the Leprechaun franchise. I’m honestly not that big of a fan of these movies (and I don’t understand how anyone could sincerely like more than half of these things), but I did find a few of them to be just goofy enough to be enjoyable. But yeah, some of these are straight up trash. Speaking of trash…


8. Leprechaun: Origins


This attempt at a straight horror reboot of the franchise just completely misses the point of these films, turning the Leprechaun into a non-speaking Descent-like creature. It’s not very good as a standard survival movie, and it’s insulting to a franchise that, before this, I thought was incapable of being insulted. I don't have anything else to add, so here’s a rant about the title.


What a dickhead title. First, one would assume this is the origin tale of the Leprechaun we all know and kind of like. That's stupid because that character's mythology changed with every film, so who cares about his origins?


Okay, it's not that. Instead this is the origin story of a new, completely unrelated Leprechaun creature. Here the subtitle implies we're going to want more of these fucking movies. What an insult to the audience.


And finally, this isn't even the origin story of this creature any-fucking-way. If this was the origin, then shouldn't it, I don't know, take place when the fucking thing was born or at least first started killing? This thing has been around long enough for the locals to be a part of it, so it's not like a new situation for them. What would the filmmakers have done if this trash had actually been popular and people wanted the actual origin story? Would that one be called Leprechaun: Origins - The Beginning? Fuck this movie.


7. Leprechaun 4: In Space


This series is mainly known for the ridiculous titles of a few entries, and this is the first crazy one. This should be stupid fun, but the low production values make it difficult to enjoy (the CG spaceship shots are so bad they need to be seen to be believed). There is a little fun to be had with the Aliens spoof it’s trying to be, and I was pleasantly surprised by a left field homage to The Fly (especially since I’m in the middle of watching all of David Cronenberg’s films [fun fact: Cronenberg shows up in an acting role in another, better slasher in space movie, Jason X]). But it was all too busy and too dumb for me. The giant Leprechaun hand giving them all the finger in space at the end was a nice touch, though.


6. Leprechaun: Back 2 tha’ Hood


Title note: the apostrophe on the “tha” doesn’t appear on Letterboxd or IMDb or anything, but it’s there on the title screen, so I included it here.


This one was apparently meant to be a return to a simpler Leprechaun with fewer random ass powers that would come and go in previous films. In that regard, it is a step above some other entries, but the problem is the return to the hood. As a franchise, Leprechaun works, sometimes, as a nomadic series. The wise-cracking monster needs a new locale to respond to or things get boring. Also, this film doesn’t have Ice T in it. For any other series, that would be a good thing, but for Leprechaun, it’s a detriment.


5. Leprechaun 2


This one just didn’t try hard enough to break new ground, aside from adding a stupid “the Leprechaun wants a wife” subplot. It’s just as forgettable as Back 2 tha’ Hood. The shoehorning in of a go-cart track just to get the Leprechaun into a go-cart again is amusing. And seeing Jack Klompus from Seinfeld with a pot of gold protruding from his stomach inched this one spot up on my list.


4. Leprechaun in the Hood


This one gets made fun of the most for its silly title, but it’s actually dumb enough to be enjoyable. You get all the requisite “Leprechaun smoking weed and talking shit” stuff, but it’s the crazy final act that saves this one for me. I was just not expecting anything that happened in the last twenty minutes.


Aside from that, the human characters drag this film down, except for Ice T. He spends most of the movie demanding that a magic flute be given to him, and it’s fucking hilarious. To hear his typical “don’t fuck with me” voice say shit like, “Y’all motherfuckers can die right here. Jump. I don’t give a fuck. But you are going to tell me one thing: where’s my fucking flute?!” makes the whole movie worth it.


3. Leprechaun Returns


This is the most recent entry, and it’s meant to be a return to form after the WWE-produced debacle, Leprechaun: Origins. For the most part it works. It’s a direct sequel to the original and covers a lot of the same ground, but with much gnarlier kills. It’s all silly and gory, and it’s what a fan probably wants from this series. Except for one thing.


Warwick Davis turned this down because he doesn’t want to make horror movies until his son turns eighteen. And that’s a shame because he is the franchise. I’m not equating the two, but for me, this is a Harrison Ford and Indiana Jones situation. Ford has said he doesn’t think anyone else should play the role once he gives it up. And I think the same should go for Davis and the Leprechaun. No offense to Linden Porco who’s doing fine work in a thankless role.


2. Leprechaun


The one that started it all, or the one with Jennifer Aniston. She’s mostly forgettable in this, but Warwick Davis isn’t. This franchise (aside from the last two) hinges on how much the audience enjoys watching Warwick Davis rummage around saying Leprechaun shit. I like it enough to watch every one of these goddamn things, so that’s saying something. 


Davis truly does not get enough credit for this series. The first two of these movies were released theatrically. That didn’t happen just because of the makeup effects (though I do like the look of the Leprechaun throughout the series, except for Origins). It happens because people want to see Davis be goofy and gruesome, and this first entry he is nearly at his best.


1. Leprechaun 3


This series started in theaters, but it always belonged straight to video, as this entry proves. Leprechaun 3 was the first time the series was allowed to get truly goofy. The Leprechaun ends up in Las Vegas, for some reason, leading to pawn shops, magicians, Elvis impersonators, and overall stupid ass shit. I loved this movie as a kid, and I still found it to be the most enjoyable entry in the franchise as an adult. 


There’s a fine line with a series like this when it comes to how stupid it can be before I give up on it. Leprechaun 3 is the only one that keeps getting to that line and staying on the right side of it. 



Sunday, March 12, 2023

2023 Oscar Predictions


I care less and less about the Oscars each year. It’s hard to get excited about an awards show for the best movies of the year that waits until almost halfway through March to announce their winners; and this is coming from an admitted procrastinator. Still, writing an Oscars article over a decade ago is what got me started in film writing. So, for the few people who want to see how I do with my predictions (hi, Mom!), here is my Oscar preview. I’m sticking with my usual format: I’ll make my prediction, name my favorite nominee, and name my favorite overall (as sometimes my favorite isn’t even nominated). This year, however, I will just list all that stuff together and save my comments for the very end of the article just to keep things neater. Oh, and I’m not listing all the nominees. Google that shit if you want to know them all.


Best Cinematography


Prediction: Tár


My Pick: All Quiet on the Western Front


My Overall Favorite: Nope


Best Original Score


Prediction: Babylon


My Pick: Babylon


My Overall Favorite: Crimes of the Future


Best Original Song


Prediction: Naatu Naatu


My Pick: Naatu Naatu


My Overall Favorite: Uh, Naatu Naatu, I guess. Look, I do not care about this one at all.


Best Visual Effects


Prediction: Avatar: The Way of Water


My Pick: Avatar: The Way of Water


My Overall Favorite: Avatar: The Way of Water


Best Original Screenplay


Prediction: The Banshees of Inisherin


My Pick: The Banshees of Inisherin


My Overall Favorite: The Banshees of Inisherin


Best Adapted Screenplay


Prediction: Women Talking


My Pick: Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery


My Overall Favorite: The Northman


Best Documentary


Prediction: All the Beauty and the Bloodshed


My Pick: Fire of Love


My Overall Favorite: I Didn’t See You There


Best Animated Feature


Prediction: Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio


My Pick: Puss in Boots: The Last Wish


My Overall Favorite: Puss in Boots: The Last Wish


Best International Feature


Prediction: All Quiet on the Western Front


My Pick: All Quiet on the Western Front


My Overall Favorite: Decision to Leave


Best Supporting Actor


Prediction: Ke Huy Quan


My Pick: Ke Huy Quan


My Overall Favorite: Ke Huy Quan


Best Supporting Actress


Prediction: Stephanie Hsu


My Pick: Kerry Condon


My Overall Favorite: Kerry Condon


Best Actor


Prediction: Colin Farrell


My Pick: Colin Farrell


My Overall Favorite: Colin Farrell


Best Actress


Prediction: Cate Blanchett


My Pick: Michelle Yeoh


My Overall Favorite: Michelle Yeoh


Best Director


Prediction: The Daniels


My Pick: The Daniels


My Overall Favorite: Damien Chazelle


Best Picture


Prediction: Everything Everywhere All at Once


My Pick: The Banshees of Inisherin


My Overall Favorite: The Banshees of Inisherin


So, that’s it. Typically, I do not do well with these predictions, and I doubt this year will be different. As far as the nominations in general are concerned, I was pleasantly surprised by a few of them this year (Triangle of Sadness and All Quiet on the Western Front having so many noms was nice), and there were the usual head-scratchers (Top Gun: Maverick for Best Adapted Screenplay?!). I have a hard time these days caring about all this like I used to when I was younger. There was a time when the Oscars could enrage me. I’m thinking about Adrien Brody beating Daniel Day-Lewis (Gangs of New York), and Shakespeare in Love beating Saving Private Ryan, and Chicago beating Gangs of New York, and The Artist winning, and Sean Penn over Mickey Rourke, and Michael Keaton losing to Eddie Redmayne, and DiCaprio losing to Jamie Foxx, and…okay, the Oscars can still piss me off. 


But over the years, I learned that the voting process is highly political and there are ads purchased and campaigns ran and all that shit. But mainly, I just got older. I’ve got kids and whatnot these days, so I’ve lost the emotional capacity to care that much about who wins the Hollywood popularity contest each year. I still find it fun, and I will always be interested in all the awards stuff, but my days of letting them anger me are thankfully over. So maybe I’ll get a few of these right this year, but as far as the most deserving people winning? I know what my favorites were, and that’s enough for me.