Star Wars - The Theatrical Cuts

The first time I saw the original trilogy of Star Wars was in the late ‘90s; in other words, I saw the Special Editions. For a little while, I thought Han had always shot first and walked on Jabba’s tail in A New Hope rather than Star Wars. Then the prequels came out, and I was hooked. And until the Disney stuff started, I was perfectly happy with the six George Lucas films and their little changes with each updated release. I knew fans were upset with the changes to the original trilogy, but when you don’t have the theatrical cuts to compare there isn’t anything to be upset about. And since the theatrical cuts have never been all that widely available, and I didn’t feel like going the bootleg route, I just accepted that I might never see the truly original Star Wars trilogy. Until I randomly stopped in a Goodwill a few weeks ago. 

I had a few minutes to kill, so I stopped in a Goodwill to check out their records and movies. It was a disappointing selection until I spotted the original trilogy packaged in a way I hadn’t seen before. In a three-pack of slim cases, this set claimed to have the 1997 Special Editions and the original theatrical cut of each film. I ponied up the $3.99, and here we are. After a quick Google search, I found out this was a legit release, and it’s the last time these have been officially made available. 

I’m always looking for a good excuse to revisit Star Wars, so I watched all three theatrical cuts followed by the newest versions streaming on Disney+. I’m not going to get into every single difference (other sites have done that in much greater detail than I could ever do), but I did want to offer my reaction to these films from my perspective growing up with the Special Editions.

A New Hope

First off, this wasn’t even A New Hope back then, so there’s that. No one seems too bothered about that change; the main two issues with this one concern Han Solo. I’ve already mentioned Han shooting first and the added Jabba the Hutt scene. 

I agree that Han shooting Greedo first does make him more badass, but having Greedo sneak a shot off first didn’t ruin that for me. In the Special Edition, I still thought it made Han look like someone who can take care of himself and is willing to kill someone, if need be. In no scenario was Greedo presented as a harmless person, so it’s not like Han was originally portrayed as some heartless murderer, and then Lucas ruined it. Then there’s the infamous “Maclunkey!” addition on Disney+. I suppose the issue here is the main issue fans have with most of these changes in general: it’s not necessary. Why change who shoots first? Why add a Huttese phrase? Clean it up, make the laser blast more impactful, whatever. But don’t fix what isn’t broken. It doesn’t ruin anything for me, but I can see why people hate it.

As for the Jabba scene, in general I’m okay with it, but only because I already knew who Jabba the Hutt was before I ever saw a Star Wars movie. If I had the chance to watch the first two films originally, only knowing Jabba the Hutt as a gangster who wants Solo, then the reveal of his appearance in Jedi would have been amazing. Without that experience, I don’t really care that he’s inserted into A New Hope. I don’t even mind that Boba Fett is tossed in there for fan service. The walking over the tail moment (which I remember Lucasfilm people being really proud of in behind-the-scenes material), does look janky, even on Disney+, but, once again, whatever.

As for everything else, I enjoyed seeing the ‘70s grime of the theatrical cut and all the rough edges of the special effects work. But, in general, I prefer the updated stuff. I know it takes some people out of the movie because it’s different from what they remembered, but that’s not the case with me. I’m glad I got to see Star Wars the way it was originally released, but I’ve made my peace with Lucas’s alterations long ago, so I’ll take the cleaned up version with its controversial changes. 

The Empire Strikes Back

This is easily the least controversial Special Edition of the original trilogy. They mainly just cleaned up the space effects stuff (though I kind of like seeing the outlines in these original cuts). One of the main changes in 1997 was adding a scream as Luke fell near the end, and that’s gone from the latest version now, which makes me oddly nostalgic for the Special Edition version. 

With this one, the changes made after the Special Edition caught some flak. The first is putting Ian McDiarmid in the Emperor scene and changing up the dialogue a bit. I miss the monkey-eyed old lady Emperor, but I’m okay with it. The changes in dialogue are minimal, but some argue it changes things regarding Vader knowing about Luke. Vader’s knowledge of Luke is a whole can of worms unto itself. The new version makes it seem like Vader is learning about it at that moment. I guess that’s okay, but shouldn’t he be more pissed? I get that he’s the Emperor’s bitch at this point, but how do you just brush off that the dude has lied to you about Padme for twenty years? But that’s a weak point in the series no matter what happens in this scene.

McDiarmid was added to create more similarities between the prequel trilogy and the original, and with that in mind they also changed Boba Fett’s voice from Jason Wingreen to Tamuera Morrison. I still like the original voice, but I understand it makes no sense at this point for Fett to not sound like Morrison. This is just another messy element created by the prequels that they tried to fix later. I get it, but I still like the old version more. Maybe he just had a cold that day that made his New Zealand accent sound more American? Who cares? It’s sci-fi; make something up. 

But Fett’s voice and Luke’s scream aside, I still like watching the cleaned up version more.

The Return of the Jedi

Finally, some changes that truly annoy me. Even when I first saw the Special Edition at age twelve, I thought, “What the fuck is this shit?” when the CG muppets started a full on music sequence in Jabba’s Palace. Jedi has always been derided for being a bit too kiddie what with the muppet band and the Ewoks, but this is just too much, even for someone as forgiving as me. Not to mention, the original song during this moment is better! This change is unforgivable because it is only there to show off the CG effects of the time. Why else do we get that stupid close up of Joh Yowza (I had to look that up; I’m not dorky enough to just know that name) with spit dangling out of his stupid CG mouth? (By the way, the Max Rebo Band has its own Wikipedia page. God help us all.)

I guess I’m okay with them bringing back the original actress to film what happens after she falls into the Rancor pit, but was anyone really confused about what happened to her?

Speaking of pits, the Sarlacc has a beak and some tentacles added to it, but I preferred the simplistic hole with teeth. It honestly looks creepier than the CG monster they added to it. 

Back to the music, most people are most upset with “Yub Nub” being taken out of the ending. This one didn’t bother me as much because, dare I write it, I’m not a big fan of “Yub Nub.” The new song is fine, and I definitely like the addition of prequel locations to the ending showing how the entire galaxy has been saved…only to immediately be fucked again by Disney, however.

The changes to the ending I dislike concern Vader in the more recent editions. First off, adding the “No!” as he kills the Emperor is just weak ass shit trying to make his crazy “Nooooooo!” at the end of Revenge of the Sith make a little more sense. It just makes him look stupid. I also don’t care for the addition of Hayden Christensen to the Force ghost lineup. It doesn’t make sense. Why would the younger version show up? There is an argument that his form is that of when he was last a Jedi, but didn’t he redeem himself in the end? So it should still be the older version. I also don’t like that look Christensen is giving directly to the camera. It’s just another way to tie the prequels visually to the originals, and it doesn’t work for me.

Because of these changes, I prefer the theatrical cut to any of the later additions. But it looks like such shit on the DVD I bought that I’ll still most likely watch the streaming version just because I’m spoiled by HD now.

Final Thoughts

Watching the theatrical cuts wasn’t all that impactful for me as a fan. It was definitely interesting, and I’m glad I finally saw them in this form. But my nerd mind has calmed down a bit these days (but not too much since I’m still writing articles like this), so I’ll just stick with the best looking version of the trilogy offered on streaming. But I’m glad I have some options since I have this set, the original DVDs of the prequels, the original Special Edition VHSs, the Special Edition DVDs, and the Blu-Ray release. It’s stupid that Disney doesn’t clean these up and put them on Disney+ or sell them on 4K, though. It must be a condition with Lucas or something that they can’t do it until he dies, or maybe ever, because they would surely make a profit if they just restored the theatrical cuts and put them back in theaters for a bit before releasing on home video. I hope it somehow happens in my lifetime, because I would love a chance to see an HD version of these instead of digging out my janky Goodwill DVD set.

Snakes on a Plane - My Wife's DVDs

 

My Future Wife Ghosted Me Because of Snakes on a Plane

Snakes on a Plane probably isn’t a part of many relationships, but it played a big part in mine. Years before we started dating seriously and eventually married, my wife and I dated briefly. Snakes on a Plane is a reason why it was brief. 

I can be pretty tone deaf when it comes to romantic shit, especially back in my early twenties. So when my future wife wanted to go to the movies, I thought it would be fine if I just picked whatever movie I wanted to see at the time. I’m the movie buff, so surely I would pick a good one, right?

This was back when I watched at least one movie a week, and I followed movie news on the internet religiously. Snakes on a Plane is one of the few movies that seemed completely created by internet buzz, so of course I had to see it. It turned out to not be good or bad enough to be particularly memorable, but even if it had been, it still would’ve ended my relationship.

To put this in context, we had not been to the movies together yet. This was the first one. I truly thought Snakes on a Plane would be a good date movie. I don’t remember a lot from the actual date. My wife definitely didn’t like the movie, and I just kind of laughed it off with something like, “What did you expect from a movie called Snakes on a Plane?” 

So a swing and a miss with the first movie date, but no second date happened. We both returned to college soon after, and things cooled off after that. “Cooled off” is putting it mildly. I think we saw each other one or two more times after that at a party or something, and then we stopped talking altogether. At the time, I just thought she didn’t like me that much and had simply moved on now that college was back in session. 

Absence, in this case a long absence, makes the heart grow fonder, though, and five years later we reconnected. And here we are now, with three kids and approaching our tenth anniversary in a couple weeks. But before that reconnection there was pretty much five years of radio silence.

When we got together for real, I asked what happened back then, and my wife told me that choosing to watch Snakes on a Plane was partly why. Sure, it wasn’t the main reason. But she was on the fence about me, and Snakes on a Plane shoved her right the fuck off that fence. What kind of a dipshit would pick this as a date movie? And in what other ways is he defective?

It reminds me of the Step Brothers (which would have made a much better date movie as it’s one of my wife’s favorite movies) scene when John C. Reilly farts during the job interview, and it makes Seth Rogen realize how fucked up the two guys are. Snakes on a Plane was the job interview fart of our relationship. 

We’re able to laugh about it now, and for one of our first Valentine’s Days together, we both bought the DVD of Snakes on a Plane for each other (I bought her the higher quality copy with the slipcase, for the record). It may have ended things initially, but it all worked out, and now Snakes of a Plane is a funny footnote in a great marriage.

Is It Really That Bad?

I don’t want to get too deep in the weeds about the actual movie, but I did rewatch Snakes on a Plane for this, so here are my brief thoughts.

There’s obviously fun to be had with such a clearly stupid movie. But you know there’s something wrong when the funniest part of the movie is the TV edit. Originally, Samuel L. Jackson breaks down and yells, “I’ve had it with these motherfuckin’ snakes on this motherfuckin’ plane!” It’s a funny line and definitely the highlight of the movie, but on TV, the line becomes, “I’ve had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!” That’s some magical censoring, and it’s funnier than anything in the actual unedited movie.

Snakes on a Plane just isn’t good or bad enough. They really messed up when they went CG with most of the snake stuff. According to IMDb trivia (so this is maybe true), the real snakes weren’t moving enough, so they had to use CG for most shots. Fine, but they weren’t going to have real snakes actually bite people on their nipples and dicks (both bites are actual kills in the movie), those were always going to be CG. I think it would have been much more enjoyable and funny if they had gone with rubber snakes in those moments. 

And that’s honestly my main issue with the movie. The rest of it is stupid enough to be funny (check the Random Thoughts for specifics), but those horrible CG kills ruin it. But even if they had gone that route, this was doomed from the start. Internet buzz from movie nerds shouldn’t be the basis for a movie. This is a lesson Cocaine Bear failed to heed. A stupid title alone doesn’t make a movie great. And trying to be a good bad movie is harder than people think. And neither movie tries hard enough. Both Snakes on a Plane and Cocaine Bear feature plenty of goofy moments, but too often it feels like the characters are looking at the audience like, “Isn’t this crazy? Fun, right?” Well, it might have been fun, but then you had to be self-aware about it, and it all fell apart.

Still, you could do worse when looking for a mindless good time. Just don’t make it part of a date night.

Random Thoughts 

The previews on the DVD are, in order, an ad for the soundtrack, Codename: The Cleaner, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, the latest DVD release of the original A Nightmare on Elm Street, a sequel to The Butterfly Effect, a sequel to Undisputed, and the Nicolas Cage remake if The Wicker Man. This was a golden age of cinema.

Ten minutes in and no snakes on a plane. Not a good sign for a movie called Snakes on a Plane.

They put leis on people as they board the plane, but the plane is leaving Hawaii. I don't think that's a thing, is it?

The leis are sprayed with a pheromone meant to send the snakes into a frenzy. Say what you will about the bad guy in this movie, but he is definitely inventive.

David Koechner in the role he was born to play: horny, inappropriate pilot.

The film does a decent job of introducing plenty of dickheads so you can root for the snakes here and there.

First snake sighting at twenty-three minutes. Unacceptable. 

The witness immediately tells a flight attendant he's testifying against Eddie Kim. Does this dude have a death wish?

The flight attendant tells him a story about Kim gouging out someone's eyes then feeding him to a pig. What's the point in eye-gouging the dude? Wouldn't you want your victim to witness the horror of being eaten by pigs? Maybe Kim isn't as inventive as I thought.

The first snake kill didn't disappoint: snake bit to a nipple. How did my future wife not propose to me right when this scene happened?

A dude says, “How's my big boy?” before he pisses. Take a guess what happens to him and his “big boy.” I'll give you a hint: a snake bites his dick.

Okay, it was pretty funny when the snakes dropped down with the oxygen masks.

“Everyone move forward! Cautiously!”

So far, the most unrealistic part was that they had a bottle of olive oil on a plane.

Kenan and his homophobic buddy are both openly turned on by a woman sucking venom out of the wound of a child. Disturbing.

I can't believe the stack of loose luggage didn't keep the snakes out.

Good thing they could find a “hardcore snake specialist” on such short notice. 

“Snakes on crack.” Possible sequel title if this hadn't been a financial disappointment. 

Look, I'm glad the dog killer got instant karma, but I did laugh my ass off when he threw that dog at the boa constrictor.

Good old Koechner, even near death he's horny as shit.

It turns out adding the music video to the DVD was redundant since the video plays in its entirety during the credits.