This marks the end of my series on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I’ve written pretty exhaustively about all of these movies at this point, but there is one thing I wanted to comment on regarding the entire franchise: the titles.
Somehow, despite this series being nine movies long, which includes a remake, three prequels, and three direct sequels, there is no repetition among the titles. They are all very similar, but each one contains a difference. The original film used “chain saw” instead of “chainsaw,” so that’s how it technically has a different title than the remake. And the Leatherface from the ‘90s contains the subtitle of Texas Chainsaw Massacre III which makes it different from the 2017 Leatherface movie. And the latest movie drops the “the,” making its title barely unique, as well. This doesn’t mean anything, but it is nice that the series doesn’t suffer the maddening titles of the Halloween franchise, which has three (!) movies titled Halloween, and two Halloween IIs.
Oh, and for no reason at all, I’ve included a bit at the end of each entry letting you know if the film contained narration from John Larroquette.
More importantly, I included the running time of each film. As you’ll see, these movies are better the shorter they are. Anyway, here are my rankings for the series.
1. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre
First off, any ranking of this series that doesn’t have the original at the top spot is just bullshit clickbait. No other movie in this franchise is in the same fucking ballpark of this disturbing first movie.
Larroquette? Yeah
Running time: 83 minutes, perfect
2. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
AKA the one where they learned “chainsaw” is one word. I realized over the course of this series that it is stupid and pointless for a filmmaker to try to recreate the first film in any way. Tobe Hooper knew this, which is why he leaned into the comedy for the sequel. We get crazy Dennis Hopper and chili cookoffs, and I’m all for it. Add an unhinged Bill Mosely and you have the second best movie in the series.
Larroquette? No, but there is opening narration
Running time: 101 minutes, a little too long, but the goofiness makes it okay
3. Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This was the palate cleanser I needed after going through the whole series. If this had been the actually only direct sequel to the original, I would probably hate it. But it’s actually the third direct sequel to the original, which means this series has become way too messy. So I enjoyed the brutal kills and general silliness of it all within the context of a shitty franchise.
Larroquette? Yeah
Running time: 83 minutes, way to match the original’s run time
4.The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This is a fine remake, as far as those early ‘00s remakes go, but overstylizing everything completely misses what made the original so effective. But it’s still a pretty good time, mainly thanks to R. Lee Ermey.
Larroquette? Yeah
Running time: 98 minutes, that’s 8 too many
5. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation
This is already where I start to kind of hate these movies. This one does add a half-assed attempt to mix things up by shoe-horning in a subplot about the family being paid by some secretive boss to create an experience for the victims. But it’s not fully developed and instead feels like a tacked on “surprise ending” in a weak attempt to differentiate itself from the rest of the series. It does have a crazy McConaughey, at least.
Larroquette? No, and no narration
Running time: 87 minutes (theatrical)
6. Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III
This one felt like someone wanted the series to return to its more serious roots after the comedic second film, but that was a mistake. This just felt like a poorly made remake of the original. But I’ll still take that over any prequel or mythology-building bullshit.
Larroquette? No, but there is opening narration
Running time: 81 minutes (theatrical), hell yeah - 86 minutes unrated, okay
7. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
You know, if “the beginning” of a story was worth telling, it would have been the actual beginning, not the second movie. This was simply made because the remake was successful, but it started the trend that I absolutely despise in this franchise: the need to explore the fucked up family. With this one, it’s just giving you information about the remake that didn’t need to be explained. It’s not that hard to figure this family out: they’re a bunch of crazy fuckheads, end of story.
Larroquette? Yeah
Running Time: 91 minutes, okay, I guess
8. Leatherface
I still hate this movie for exploring the “character” of Leatherface, but overall I’m just numb to the series by the time it gets to this film. The filmmaking and acting is actually fine, but I just don’t want any of this.
Larroquette? No, and no narration
Running time: 88 minutes, okay
9. Texas Chainsaw
Now this one fucking broke me. I hate this stupid shit. It’s a direct sequel to the original that makes the fucked up family the victims. It’s fucking crazy. But worse, none of this movie is fun, save for one kill. If you’re going to make something this fucking stupid, it should at least be fun. This shit was unbearable, and the filmmakers knew it, which is why they tried to make Alexandra Daddario show as much skin as logically possible throughout the film, but no amount of near-nudity can save this garbage.
Larroquette? No, and there’s no narration, but the beginning is basically an extended recap of the original film.
Running time: 92 minutes, which is 92 too many
No comments:
Post a Comment