For the last few years, I thought I hated the Transformers series. Maybe “hate” is too strong a word, but I was definitely indifferent to it, having skipped the two Wahlberg movies and only watching Bumblebee because it received surprisingly good reviews. Then my four-year-old son started playing with the toys, and Rise of the Beasts came out. Having kids has put a massive dent in my theater-going, and I’ve been looking forward to the day that I could take my kids to movies I actually want to see. He and my daughter are a little young for it, but I decided to take a chance and take them to see it.
The focus on the human characters bored them at times, but they made it through the whole movie without incident. And I was pleasantly surprised by the movie, though part of me missed the Michael Bay insanity (or Baysanity, as I will refer to it for the rest of this list). So I decided to rewatch the entire series and give my personal rankings.
Before I get to that, I want to explain my overall feelings about the series and my rationale for the ranking. Rewatching the Bay movies that I once considered garbage (aside from the first one, which I’ve always liked), I realized that I liked all of these movies. I don’t like them in a traditional sense. Instead, I enjoyed watching them become increasingly unhinged until we ended up with the literally difficult to watch The Last Knight. I learned quickly to not worry too much about the plot. I just knew that the world would be at stake, and in almost every movie Optimus Prime would learn that humanity was worth fighting for, even though he somehow forgot that he learned that between each film.
Burning through the series, I came to enjoy the insane first half of the Bay movies, which mainly consisted of wacky and juvenile humor and cartoonish acting (hey John Malkovich and John Turturro). And then the second half was there for mindless action, in which I could sometimes tell what was going on, especially if it was in slow motion. The point is, I didn’t get too precious with these. This is a series based on toys; how seriously are we supposed to take it? Finally, I also considered rewatchability. I discovered I could put on almost any of the Bay movies at any time and shut off my brain and enjoy myself. This is why some of his stuff will rank above the almost traditionally good Bumblebee. Okay, enough explaining, here’s the list.
I was kind of surprised by how wacky this one was upon a rewatch. I remembered a much more traditional Michael Bay summer movie, but this is very much Baysanity, just much less than all the sequels he directed. Still, this is the one that reminds me most of a traditional summer action movie like I grew up with, a la Independence Day, Armageddon (which is name-dropped in this movie), etc. I love all the crazy shit that happened in the later movies, but on a rewatchability scale, this is the one I want to revisit. But you still have plenty of wacky/inappropriate stuff to marvel at. For instance, a dog pisses on an Autobot, an Autobot pisses on a government agent, Megan Fox, playing a high schooler, is shot as if she’s in a soft-core porno and adult characters call her hot, LeBeouf and Fox end the film making out on top of Bumblebee while other Autobots watch, the douchey guy named Trent was such a good douche that he later played a douche played Trent in the Bay-produced Friday the 13th remake, the product placement comes to life, etc. I remember being surprised by how much I liked this the first time I saw it, and now I appreciate it for being crazy but restrained enough to pass for a regular movie. It will always be my go-to when I want to revisit this world.
2. Transformers: Dark of the Moon
This one surprised me the most upon a rewatch. I remember being amped up for this when the previews first came out. It looked like a return to form after the disappointing second film, and it was in 3D (which was something that excited me at the time). And then it ended up being a goofy mess. These days, though, I enjoy a goofy mess from time to time. And the action half of the movie is pretty damn good. Some of that shit in the city is awesome (sliding down a toppling skyscraper, jumping out of a crashing helicopter, etc.). It turns out this is just as crazy as I want Bay to go before it gets tiresome. Oh, and John Malkovich put this over the top to place second; I don’t know what the fuck he’s doing in this, but I like it.
I like the Baysanity, but I also enjoy fairly straightforward simple movies in this series, too. And let’s face it: five Bay versions of this franchise is plenty. It’s time to move into a slightly more sane world. At least it is, for me. Maybe it’s recency bias, but this film struck the perfect balance of stupid shit and decent action.
4. Bumblebee
This movie was so traditionally decent that they left Transformers off the title in an attempt to distance itself from the franchise. And that’s why it’s not higher on my list. It’s good, and you actually care about the main character this time around, but that’s not really what I’m looking for in this series. Still, it’s a good time, and god damn is it refreshing to only have to keep track of a handful of robots.
5. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
This isn’t as bad as I remember, but it’s still among the three films I don’t plan on ever watching again. This is when the action first became indecipherable at times, but the human characters actually elevate it a bit for me. I love the part with Sam’s mom acting like she’s on bath salts after eating a pot brownie. And I guarantee the only reason why John Turturro was allowed to climb on an actual pyramid was because Bay had to promise him something to get Turturro to agree to do some wacky shit like show his ass and talk about robot testicles. Oh, and I guess Transformers can be humans, and there’s a robot afterlife or something. It doesn’t matter. None of this matters.
6. Transformers: Age of Extinction
This is when the Baysanity truly took over, and I’m fine with it. Fuck it, put Marky Mark in there as an inventor. Have Stanley Tucci turn full lunatic near the end. Throw in some dinobots. Who cares? If not for the ridiculous running time of 165 minutes, this would be at least one spot higher on my list. These movies (aside from the last two movies) are all way too long, but pushing three hours is crossing a fucking line.
I sincerely believe Michael Bay went into a fugue state while he made this nearly unwatchable fuckery. Honestly, it’s only hard to watch because the aspect ratio inexplicably changes throughout the film, even during dialogue scenes. It’s just too distracting for me. If not for that, I might have loved this one, because all of this nonsense happens in it: Stanley Tucci plays a drunk Merlin, Mark Wahlberg becomes a Knight of the Round Table, Wahlberg calls an Autobot voiced by Steve Buscemi a “skank,” Anthony Hopkins calls Wahlberg “dude” and talks to him about “whoopie,” a robot butler sings a Ludacris song, there are submarines, Turturro gets to literally phone in his performance (which is even lazier than getting to sit in a wheelchair the whole time, like he did in his last appearance), the Autobots fight Nazis, and Stonehenge, for some reason. But Bay just couldn’t help himself and had to fuck it up with all those different ratios. Oh, well.
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