My Future Wife Ghosted Me Because of Snakes on a Plane
Snakes on a Plane probably isn’t a part of many relationships, but it played a big part in mine. Years before we started dating seriously and eventually married, my wife and I dated briefly. Snakes on a Plane is a reason why it was brief.
I can be pretty tone deaf when it comes to romantic shit, especially back in my early twenties. So when my future wife wanted to go to the movies, I thought it would be fine if I just picked whatever movie I wanted to see at the time. I’m the movie buff, so surely I would pick a good one, right?
This was back when I watched at least one movie a week, and I followed movie news on the internet religiously. Snakes on a Plane is one of the few movies that seemed completely created by internet buzz, so of course I had to see it. It turned out to not be good or bad enough to be particularly memorable, but even if it had been, it still would’ve ended my relationship.
To put this in context, we had not been to the movies together yet. This was the first one. I truly thought Snakes on a Plane would be a good date movie. I don’t remember a lot from the actual date. My wife definitely didn’t like the movie, and I just kind of laughed it off with something like, “What did you expect from a movie called Snakes on a Plane?”
So a swing and a miss with the first movie date, but no second date happened. We both returned to college soon after, and things cooled off after that. “Cooled off” is putting it mildly. I think we saw each other one or two more times after that at a party or something, and then we stopped talking altogether. At the time, I just thought she didn’t like me that much and had simply moved on now that college was back in session.
Absence, in this case a long absence, makes the heart grow fonder, though, and five years later we reconnected. And here we are now, with three kids and approaching our tenth anniversary in a couple weeks. But before that reconnection there was pretty much five years of radio silence.
When we got together for real, I asked what happened back then, and my wife told me that choosing to watch Snakes on a Plane was partly why. Sure, it wasn’t the main reason. But she was on the fence about me, and Snakes on a Plane shoved her right the fuck off that fence. What kind of a dipshit would pick this as a date movie? And in what other ways is he defective?
It reminds me of the Step Brothers (which would have made a much better date movie as it’s one of my wife’s favorite movies) scene when John C. Reilly farts during the job interview, and it makes Seth Rogen realize how fucked up the two guys are. Snakes on a Plane was the job interview fart of our relationship.
We’re able to laugh about it now, and for one of our first Valentine’s Days together, we both bought the DVD of Snakes on a Plane for each other (I bought her the higher quality copy with the slipcase, for the record). It may have ended things initially, but it all worked out, and now Snakes of a Plane is a funny footnote in a great marriage.
Is It Really That Bad?
I don’t want to get too deep in the weeds about the actual movie, but I did rewatch Snakes on a Plane for this, so here are my brief thoughts.
There’s obviously fun to be had with such a clearly stupid movie. But you know there’s something wrong when the funniest part of the movie is the TV edit. Originally, Samuel L. Jackson breaks down and yells, “I’ve had it with these motherfuckin’ snakes on this motherfuckin’ plane!” It’s a funny line and definitely the highlight of the movie, but on TV, the line becomes, “I’ve had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!” That’s some magical censoring, and it’s funnier than anything in the actual unedited movie.
Snakes on a Plane just isn’t good or bad enough. They really messed up when they went CG with most of the snake stuff. According to IMDb trivia (so this is maybe true), the real snakes weren’t moving enough, so they had to use CG for most shots. Fine, but they weren’t going to have real snakes actually bite people on their nipples and dicks (both bites are actual kills in the movie), those were always going to be CG. I think it would have been much more enjoyable and funny if they had gone with rubber snakes in those moments.
And that’s honestly my main issue with the movie. The rest of it is stupid enough to be funny (check the Random Thoughts for specifics), but those horrible CG kills ruin it. But even if they had gone that route, this was doomed from the start. Internet buzz from movie nerds shouldn’t be the basis for a movie. This is a lesson Cocaine Bear failed to heed. A stupid title alone doesn’t make a movie great. And trying to be a good bad movie is harder than people think. And neither movie tries hard enough. Both Snakes on a Plane and Cocaine Bear feature plenty of goofy moments, but too often it feels like the characters are looking at the audience like, “Isn’t this crazy? Fun, right?” Well, it might have been fun, but then you had to be self-aware about it, and it all fell apart.
Still, you could do worse when looking for a mindless good time. Just don’t make it part of a date night.
Random Thoughts
The previews on the DVD are, in order, an ad for the soundtrack, Codename: The Cleaner, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, the latest DVD release of the original A Nightmare on Elm Street, a sequel to The Butterfly Effect, a sequel to Undisputed, and the Nicolas Cage remake if The Wicker Man. This was a golden age of cinema.
Ten minutes in and no snakes on a plane. Not a good sign for a movie called Snakes on a Plane.
They put leis on people as they board the plane, but the plane is leaving Hawaii. I don't think that's a thing, is it?
The leis are sprayed with a pheromone meant to send the snakes into a frenzy. Say what you will about the bad guy in this movie, but he is definitely inventive.
David Koechner in the role he was born to play: horny, inappropriate pilot.
The film does a decent job of introducing plenty of dickheads so you can root for the snakes here and there.
First snake sighting at twenty-three minutes. Unacceptable.
The witness immediately tells a flight attendant he's testifying against Eddie Kim. Does this dude have a death wish?
The flight attendant tells him a story about Kim gouging out someone's eyes then feeding him to a pig. What's the point in eye-gouging the dude? Wouldn't you want your victim to witness the horror of being eaten by pigs? Maybe Kim isn't as inventive as I thought.
The first snake kill didn't disappoint: snake bit to a nipple. How did my future wife not propose to me right when this scene happened?
A dude says, “How's my big boy?” before he pisses. Take a guess what happens to him and his “big boy.” I'll give you a hint: a snake bites his dick.
Okay, it was pretty funny when the snakes dropped down with the oxygen masks.
“Everyone move forward! Cautiously!”
So far, the most unrealistic part was that they had a bottle of olive oil on a plane.
Kenan and his homophobic buddy are both openly turned on by a woman sucking venom out of the wound of a child. Disturbing.
I can't believe the stack of loose luggage didn't keep the snakes out.
Good thing they could find a “hardcore snake specialist” on such short notice.
“Snakes on crack.” Possible sequel title if this hadn't been a financial disappointment.
Look, I'm glad the dog killer got instant karma, but I did laugh my ass off when he threw that dog at the boa constrictor.
Good old Koechner, even near death he's horny as shit.
It turns out adding the music video to the DVD was redundant since the video plays in its entirety during the credits.
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