Weird '90s Comedy Trilogy #3: "The Jerky Boys"

As always, I write these articles with the assumption that you have also seen the movie, so SPOILERS. But seriously, can The Jerky Boys movie be spoiled for someone?

Full disclosure: I do not own the DVD of this film, since it was never fully released in America. It was released on laserdisc and VHS (I used to have the VHS), but only Europe got the DVD. But while researching the movie, I came across the Jerky Boys website, and they sell autographed DVDs. I’ll definitely be buying one in the future, but for now, I only own this film digitally, but I think that still counts as part of my collection.

I’m finishing this odd trilogy with The Jerky Boys, co-written by the titular Boys and James Melkonian and Rich Wilkes (of The Stöned Age and Glory Daze fame, respectively), and directed by Melkonian. I saved this one for last because it’s my favorite of the three, and I found it to be the most ‘90s of the three. It’s based on the prank callers that were famous for a few years in the ‘90s, the humor (often homophobic and a bit racist) is very ‘90s, and the soundtrack tops it off (“Gel” by Collective Soul is used twice). But more than anything, re-watching this takes me back to the ‘90s, when me and my friends would watch this and constantly quote it. Actually, we still quote it, even though it rarely makes sense to. Which brings me to why I love this movie so much in the first place.

Apparently I love comedy that makes people say, “What?!”

This is almost like a sub genre of comedy that I like: characters saying things that make other characters say incredulously, “What?!” It's almost like the characters are in two separate movies.

I get why some people don’t find this movie, or The Jerky Boys in general, funny. The characters they use are juvenile at best and racist and homophobic at worst. But I was never drawn to the humor because they talked about warts on their asses or anything like that. I was drawn to the random elements of their humor. For instance, when the cops knock on their door about halfway through the film, Johnny B. responds, “There’s nobody in here but me, naked, with all my shoes and glasses.” One of the cops makes a strange face and asks, “What?” That’s funnier to me than a joke about ass warts because it’s absurd. I’ve always found absurdity funnier than toilet humor.

Throughout the film, the funniest moments involve random proclamations from Johnny B. and Kamal followed by a straight character wondering what the hell they’re talking about. It’s not funny because a trick is being played on somebody. It’s funny because they’re saying random shit, and no one knows how to respond to it.

That’s why this movie works on multiple levels for me. I obviously like the content, but the nonsensical nature adds a meta layer to the film, too. Why the hell does this movie exist? It’s a fair question, and it seems like the filmmakers found it just as absurd as most of the viewing public. Why make a movie about a popular prank calling duo? So they decided to just throw them in the middle of a generic mob movie.

This works on another level because none of the characters, much like the audience, seem to understand just why any of this is happening. The mobsters and cops alike never know what to make of the Jerky Boys. Why would they? This is a film that should not exist, which only adds to the absurd comedy of it all. Of course, there’s more to it than just a couple of idiots being thrown in the middle of a movie. Hell, that pretty much defines half of the comedies out there. There is one thing that makes the comedy of The Jerky Boys special: their slang.

“What is the meaning of ‘sizzle chest’?”

The most lasting element of The Jerky Boys is their random-ass terminology: sizzle chest, milky licker, fruity ass, beefy tits, etc. That, along with random statements about having grease thrown on them and their shoes falling off, is what makes for all the hilarious confusion. Alan Arkin’s sleepy mob boss has the best moments because of this. There’s something about seeing an Oscar nominee (and later, winner) ask, “What the hell is a fruity ass?” that cracks me up.

These phrases and names they use led to a lot of quoting among my friends. And we still quote this stupid movie. If you don’t overuse it, it can be quite funny to call someone a milky licker out of the blue. If they know the movie, they’ll laugh. If they don’t, you get an even better reaction: “What the fuck is a milky licker?”

I consider this absurd comedy, but I suppose there’s a fine line between absurd and stupid. Or is there? I’ve always believed that comedy is completely subjective. You cannot simply proclaim a film is funny; you only account for your own sense of humor. I think terms like absurd get thrown around when you want to say you like something kind of stupid but don’t want to actually call it stupid. “You just don’t get it. When they call people ‘fruity ass’ and ‘sizzle chest’ they’re using absurd humor to deconstruct an entire film genre.” I doubt anyone has ever actually made that claim, but that is the kind of thing that happens with comedy.

So I’ll call The Jerky Boys an absurd comedy to feel a little better about myself, but if I’m being honest, I like it because it’s dumb and random. And that’s why the Random Thoughts section is so big for this film. It was a lot easier for me to comment on individual moments than it was to come up with something to say about this movie as a whole. For a movie based on a prank calling album, I consider that a success.

Random Thoughts

First off, I came across this weird behind-the-scenes/trailer for the movie that features interviews with Melkonian, Arkin (he refers to the Jerky Boys as “genius,” while doing that giving-you-the-finger-while-I-scratch-my-face thing), and Tom Jones, who claims he listens to the CD all the time and makes his friends listen to it! Check it out:

The mob talk seems like the filmmakers never watched an actual mob movie. For instance, Scarboni says, “I was gonna go bust their balls,” like it’s a physical threat, but bustin’ balls just means to give someone a hard time. Was Scarboni just going to track them down and fuck with them?

I like how other characters immediately start using the weird phrases the Jerky Boys use. Like Brett Weir's mom calling him a fruity little bastard after just hearing the phrase seconds earlier.

A lot of ass humor.

The jokes are very junior high, but there's always one random element added that cracks me up. For example, “When I was a boy I used to play with these big, pink pigs.” What?

Ditmars Boulevard. I still quote this location.

I love the Burger Bob family's matching outfits. “WE, JUST WANNA, ORDER SOME, HAMburgers.”

“Oh God, my mother, she woke me up today. She threw a pan of hot grease all over my chest and my ass and genitals. And I fell down the stairs, and my shoes fell off!”

They've ran up a $688 bar tab at a neighborhood bar? Kamal’s response when Mickey finally cuts them off: “You know, this neighborhood's really going to hell.” Fuck you, Kamal!

“Hey kid, you there?”

“Uh, yes.”

“Go FUCK yaself.”

Tony's stories are great. “He’s layin’ there. And he's got blood squirtin’ outta his eye sockets like a garden hose. [Laughter] And he’s goin’  ‘Please, Tony, please.’ So I says to him, ‘You shoulda thought of that before you spilt that drink.’”

“Look, jerky, I don't need to talk to you.”

“He called me a-a-a fruity ass? What the hell is a fruity ass?”

Odd music cameos just like in Melkonian and Wilkes’s other movie, The Stöned Age. First up: Tom Jones, covering...Lenny Kravitz?

I truly hate Brett Weir.

The dude playing Worzic looks like he time traveled from a 1940s mob movie.

Fuckin’ Weir: “We all played ball in high school together.”

By the way, absolutely no effort to make them look younger or even different in that high school picture.

“There are some things in this world worth fightin’ for, and Mickey Crump’s is one of ‘em!”

Mickey Crump: “Why?”

Geno says “Go fuck ya’self!” better than anyone else on the planet.

Who went to the trouble of framing all those photos of the dead guys and their respective hot dog piles?

That one dude only made a dozen hot dogs. That always makes me laugh.

Geno and Sonny are the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of The Jerky Boys.

“You think these fuckin’ cocks will hold us?”

Next odd music cameo: Ozzy Osbourne managing Helmet.

Ozzy Osbourne looked a lot like Richard Lewis in this.

“Where's Bob and B. J.?”

“Found another gig? They were like family!” The roadies who lug the shit in for a Helmet concert in some garbage bar are like family?

“The fucking Monkees?!”

Helmet! Yay?

Helmet in The Jerky Boys is right up there with Mudhoney in Black Sheep for the most random band cameo in the ‘90s award.

Why would the Egyptian cab driver call someone a milky licker?

The cab dispatcher is hilarious. “You’ve been driving for me for ten years! You don't know how to get to Queens?!”

Later on the hostess at the Egyptian place is called underage by the cops. First off, how did they know about her? Second, she didn't look remotely underage, and the actress playing her was in her late 20s at the time. I always found that part odd. The rest of the movie’s plot is ironclad, though.

Why does Arkin pronounce impotent like im-PO-tent? Just noticed this for the first time.

"...and how should I pronounce 'impotent'? The normal way? Or should I say it like a fruity ass bastard?"

“There's nobody in here but me naked, with all my shoes and glasses.”

“What?!”

It takes three shots to take out the lock on their door? That's heavy duty.

That Frank Rizzo sketch is amazing. It looks like Ed Harris on meth. Or Ed Harris not on meth; I don’t know his personal life.

The mobsters and Johnny's mom are really into that game show they're watching.

Kamal has a demolition/lawn ornament place’s phone number memorized?

Random jail jokes: the dude in the dinosaur costume in a cell with them, and the guard talking to Kamal about how good the food is.

I've heard cement shoes references in connection to the mob my whole life, but this is the only movie I've ever seen them show up in. And why are they going to the trouble of using a trowel to smooth out the top? Okay, I need to stop soon. I’ve now applied much more thought to this film than anyone else, including the filmmakers.

“Fuck you, fruity ass! That's the kind of operation I run!”

Arkin going in to kiss Uncle Freddy's ring and getting burned by his cigar instead: “Aw! Fuck! Shit!”

Why does the cop need a map to start chasing them?

The only evidence they have is a recording of Arkin claiming to have people in his pocket. He doesn't get into specifics about it. I don't think any of it would hold up in court.

The ultimate ‘90s ending: prank calling Bill Clinton.

Executive produced by Tony Danza and Emilio Estevez? What the fuck?

It was Estevez’s first producing credit, and it's the only theatrical movie Danza produced (he has, unsurprisingly, produced plenty of TV movies). I really want to know the story behind this.

All I could find was a reference in a Mental Floss article from last year that says Danza and Estevez “courted" them.

The article also mentions that Tom Jones’s kids were fans, so that's one mystery solved.

I did find this article with an interview with Johnny Brennan, but he doesn't go into too much detail other than they were fans and Danza flew them out to L.A. By the way, fuck that article. The writer is a dick about the whole thing. He doesn't find the Jerky Boys funny, and then he bitches about Brennan just answering questions like a normal person instead of doing characters the whole time.

The mid-credits scene is the only time they're referred to as the Jerky Boys. It seems like this should have come up before in the movie, but how would it have made sense? As it stands, it doesn't make sense for Weir to call them the Jerky Boys, either. Something tells me I'm the only one who has thought about that this much…

Weird '90s Comedy Trilogy #1: "The Stöned Age"

*As always, I write these articles assuming that you've seen the movie, so expect SPOILERS.

This is the first article in my weird comedy trilogy of ‘94-’95 series: The Stöned Age, Glory Daze, and The Jerky Boys. The main connection among these three movies is that I love them, even though they are typically regarded as critical and commercial failures. There is a bit of a following for each of them, however, mostly for The Stöned Age. There’s also the connection of them coming out within two years of each other. The filmmakers of each film are the most logical connection. James Melkonian co-wrote and directed The Stöned Age and The Jerky Boys. And Rich Wilkes co-wrote The Stöned Age and The Jerky Boys, and he wrote and directed Glory Daze. It wasn’t until years later that I noticed this connection. So I decided to write about each of these lesser known comedies).

The makers of the DVD couldn't be bothered with an umlaut...or a "The," apparently.

“Better than Dazed and Confused.”

That hilarious claim is at the top of the DVD case for this film, and it’s probably why most people rented this movie to begin with. I’m pretty sure the studio took the ‘70s angle and wanted to ride the coattails of Dazed and Confused. I suppose there are slight similarities beyond the ‘70s setting, but overall these are very different movies. I think Dazed is the better movie, but I’ve rewatched this one many more times. (Melkonian even disputes the “better than” claim in the commentary [yes, I listened to the commentary].) It’s hard to explain why.

It’s not the story, which is threadbare: Burnouts Joe and Hubbs try to get laid. It’s actually a bit deeper than that, and there is an attempt to say something about the sexist culture it is both celebrating and condemning. But it’s the characters, dialogue, and weirdness that keeps me coming back.

First of all, I actually like Joe and Hubbs, even though Hubbs is definitely a dick. Joe is the likable dude who has goals beyond getting high and laid. But Hubbs is also likable because he’s a funny asshole. His constant outrage cracks me up. He freaks out if he hears “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper” because it’s a “pussy song.” And he’s constantly berating Joe because he won’t “jump on the grenade.” Here are a few of my favorite moments/lines:

“Tack, you cack!”

“We're gonna fuck ‘em doggie-style and shit on their parents’ beds!”

“I’m going to have to power this whole bad Oscar myself.”

“There’s a buttload of fine Bettys in there.”

Hubbs upon noticing that Joe doesn't have Jill naked and “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper" is playing: “Who put on this pussy shit? What the fuck is going on down here?!”

Tack (played by Clifton Gonzalez Gonzalez, but now Clifton Collins, Jr.) is right up there with Hubbs. He’s kind of the villain of the film, but he’s still likable, in a pathetic way. His plan to get the chicks involves stealing a few cases of beer (talls, of course), and showing up at their house with a group of dudes chanting, “Alcohol!” You can’t take a guy like that seriously. Also, he does get screwed over by Joe and Hubbs, so he’s justified in his hatred towards them. Those fuckin’ worms!

I also like that JIll was written as an actual character rather than a sex object. Lanie is given a few moments, but overall she’s treated as an object, both by other characters and the film itself (the close-up on her breasts while choral music plays comes to mind…) JIll, on the other hand, is meant to be the opposite. No one wants to sleep with her, but they will if they can’t have Lanie. Only Joe finally realizes that it’s her personality that makes her desirable. She functions as a bit of a proxy for the audience, as well, calling Joe and Hubbs out for all their bullshit.

There are plenty of other minor characters I found amusing, but it’s just the way everyone talks in this movie that keeps me coming back. Even though a lot of it is a bit ridiculous, it’s also oddly realistic. The nicknames are phrases rang true to me. It makes sense to me for someone to be known not by their own name, but as someone’s brother. I even still quote this movie from time to time. I say, “Just some dude” anytime someone asks me who someone is. And you’d be surprised how often it makes sense to say, “I guess I’m going to have to power this bad Oscar by myself.”

The last aspect that sticks with me is the weirdness of the film. I love their devotion to Ox 45, specifically talls. And sure, this comes across as a Dazed and Confused ripoff, but did Dazed have a 2001 sequence featuring a big, gnarly eyeball? The eyeball makes multiple appearances and serves as a kind of overseer of Joe, urging him to be more than just some dude.

“There’s got to be more to life than driving around Torrance trying to get drunk, stoned, and laid.”

Joe’s revelation at the end to be more than just a dude proves that this is far from a brainless sex comedy. It can be enjoyed as a mindless comedy, sure, but there is a message to the film. The main point I took away from it was to stay away from herd mentality, even if the herd is just two people. Joe learns by the end that he doesn’t have to go for Lanie just because she’s hot and everyone else would do it. Perhaps more importantly, he realizes he doesn’t have to be Hubbs’s bitch anymore. It’s not that they are not really friends; it’s just that their dynamic needs to change for them to continue to be friends.

Also, as I mentioned above, there is a statement about the treatment of females during the time period, but the shots of Lanie kind of discredit all of that. At least, they try, though. But overall, this is a movie about dudes.

Why do I own this?

The deeper elements make the film rise above other, similar movies, but I own this because I still find it funny. I have always found comedies to be the most rewatchable movies. Comedies are good for background noise when I’m trying to sleep, or doing the dishes, or just being lazy. If I don’t want my brain to function much, a movie like this is perfect to put on. But if I do find myself drawn in, I know I’m going to enjoy it, and I might even notice something new. So I will gladly crack open a tall Ox 45 and watch this movie again.

It's not movie accurate (I doubt there's any official merch out there), but the folks at Cafe Press did a good job, making sure there's an umlaut and adding "TALL" to the bottom.

Random Thoughts

The discrepancies with the title bug me. The official title has an umlaut, the DVD cover does not, and the disc itself just says, “Stoned Age.”

Tack's Chicks was the title for a while, but I think Crump's Brother's Chicks would be more accurate.

By the way, the umlaut definitely changes how you pronounce the title, but it's there as a homage to Blue Öyster Cult.

I don't think I'll ever forget how to make an umlaut on Google Docs ever again after writing about this movie. You may have noticed that I didn’t write the title very much at all. I just didn’t feel like copying and pasting that damn umlaut o over and over.

I have an Ox 45 t-shirt. Others must have one, so I'm not the only one who loves this movie.

Melkonian and Wilkes claim to be drinking beer during the commentary. I believe them.

This film introduced me to two great things: Blue Öyster Cult and Clifton Gonzalez Gonzalez (I still prefer this version of his name to Clifton Collins, Jr.).

Apparently the film was originally going to feature only Zeppelin songs, but thankfully that wasn't possible. I think the BÖC stuff makes the movie more unique.

Anachronisms: Pringles can is clearly from the ‘90s, as is the Sunny D bottle, I don’t think the store Michael's was a nationwide chain at that point, there are clearly non-70s cars in the opening scene, etc. These don’t ruin the movie for me, but I always notice them.

Melkonian claims (I can't tell if he's joking) they were wanting to tell this story through multiple movies but following other characters.

Wilkes hilariously keeps referring to Tack as an Earth elemental. He also keeps jokingly referring to other films ripping this movie off, such as Pulp Fiction, The Phantom Menace, and Billy Madison.

It turns out most of the movie (especially the lingo and nicknames) is taken from actual events from the filmmakers’ lives, most notably the puking under the couch cushion scene. Nice…

I know for most younger people, the cowbell sketch from SNL was their introduction to “(Don't Fear) The Reaper.” But for me, it was this movie.

“Fuck you, you fuckin’ worms!”

Officer Dean's escalating relating lines are great:

“You think I didn't want to taste a beer when I was your age? Hell, they used to call me Dixie Cup Dean.”

“You think I didn't want to drink a bunch of beer and piss in somebody's pool when I was your age? Hell, they used to call me Quick Dick Dean.”

“You think I didn't want to sneak in some girl's house when I was your age? Hell, they used to call me Doggie Door Dean.”

“Don't eat too many hot dogs!”

Snotrag goes in for a handshake when he sees Joe.

This movie is crazy sexist, but also tries to make a statement about that mentality.

“Get naked or shut up!”

Fuckin’ Busey...and his massive upper body strength…

It's very Beavis and Butthead when it comes to dealing with women. Except that it works for Hubbs.

That dude from the jacuzzi house is hilarious. The first time I watched this I thought it was Captain Lou Albano. In hindsight, it looks nothing like him.

I love that a guy is simply known as Crump’s brother.

“What the fuck, damn Hanky? Get us some talls!”

Tack’s plan is brilliant: steal a few cases of beer and a hot chick will have sex with every dude in the group.

“Want some ice for that?”

“NO! No. I'll be fine.”

This is the first time I got the joke of him not wanting ice for his head. I’ve seen this movie at least a dozen times and somehow that one went over my head.

The puke scene and later when the puke spills out from under the couch cushion truly disgusts me. I have a pretty strong stomach, but when it oozes out the side of the couch, it always makes me gag a little. So, good job, filmmakers?

So Lanie is going to give Joe a blow job because his dad used to kick his ass all the time? What an odd transaction.

I've never liked that Jill makes out with Hubbs. It's totally out of character. I suppose it could be seen as payback since Jill thought Joe was getting a blow job from Lanie, though. Okay, Jill, go for it.

So Crump’s brother is going to rape the girls? I mean, he just shows up and starts breaking through the door. What was going to happen once he beat Joe and Hubbs’s asses and was alone with the girls? I prefer Tack’s plan.

“He's going for Tack! He's going to pound his nards!”

The guzzlers get in a line and take turns getting their asses kicked by Jill's dad.

As they point out in the commentary, this is a film of headlocks. I never really thought of it before, but now that they mention it, there are a ton of headlocks in this movie.

A couple of the strangest cameos I can think of: Frankie Avalon and two members of Blue Öyster Cult.