Miller's Crossing - "Jesus, Tom!"

My favorite films of all time all share one quality: they can be studied deeply and have numerous theories applied to them, or you can shut your brain off and just enjoy the world of the film. And both styles of viewing are equally enjoyable. Miller’s Crossing is one of those films, making it one of my favorite Coen Brothers movies, possibly my overall favorite (I’ll post my ranking once I get to the end of their filmography in a few months). Most of the films in the Coen filmography can be viewed this way, but what sets Miller’s Crossing apart is that it almost dares you to analyze it.

“Jesus, Tom!”

The phrase “Jesus, Tom” is said eight times in the film (seven, if you’re watching the Criterion cut), along with a single utterance each for “Tom, Jesus,” and “Christ, Tom” along with countless variations of “Jesus” as an exclamation. It happens too many times to be ignored. Much like the focus on hats, it begs you to find meaning, even if the Coens don’t necessarily mean anything by it. 

For the record, I don’t buy their bullshit in interviews when they claim most of their potentially symbolic elements are just random. But I also don’t like filmmakers flat out telling audiences what things mean, so good for them. There’s probably a more solid theory to be worked out with the hats along the lines of them representing order and control. But the hat stuff never interested me that much. Tom as Jesus on the other hand…

Like most theories applied to Coen films, this isn’t clear cut or perfect by any means. This is not a one to one story of Christ. But the dialogue and Tom’s sacrifice for Leo make it worth thinking about. 

I don’t find Tom all that Christ-like beyond taking on other people’s problems and “saving” them. Instead, I like to think of Tom as Jesus if Jesus Christ was kind of a dick who didn’t give a shit. Tom is a bit of a drunken smartass asshole throughout the film, but you still root for him because he still seems better than those around him. It’s as if this world operates on a set course and only Tom’s actions can alter that course.

Tom is a selfless person, but not in a holy way. He’s self-destructive with his drinking and gambling, and though others offer to save him throughout the film, he insists on taking care of things himself, even if it means taking a beating or even dying. 

So when Leo sets a course for destruction by protecting Bernie, Tom realizes he must ruin his relationship with Leo (and Verna) to save Leo. But he doesn’t do this in a kind savior way. He’s a dick about it, because it’s annoying to him. He knows there are beatings in the future, all because Leo fell in love.

When Leo pronounced his love for Verna, Tom knew he could not salvage his friendship. First off, he’s in a relationship of his own with Verna, which is bad enough. But he also wants Leo to be happy more than he wants happiness for himself. 

You would think committing adultery would be enough to discredit a Jesus theory, but Tom is also a murderer. Killing Bernie might appear to be a cold-blooded moment of revenge for Tom, and it most likely is to a degree, but it’s also what saves Leo and Verna’s relationship. Tom knows there’s no going back to Verna after killing her brother. She’s now free to return to Leo, who Tom knew would always take her back because he’s a sap.  

Between all the supposed or real double crosses and the affair and the murder, Tom has created an untenable situation. By the time the smoke clears, his actions have led to Leo being back on top with no real threats, but he can’t be a part of it. Like Jesus, now that his mission of salvation is complete, it’s time to move on.

Obviously, it’s easy to poke holes in this theory, but it’s fun to think about it when you’ve watched a movie a dozen times and want to add new meaning to it. I still prefer to let the music of the dialogue of Miller’s Crossing wash over me (it’s really hard not to ask people “What’s the rumpus?” after watching this) rather than do the homework of counting how many times a character says “Jesus.” And the Coens would probably utterly dismiss any comparison between Jesus and Tom. But they know what they’re doing when they put that phrase in the script so many times. It’s there for humor (especially when they have Steve Buscemi say it), but they also like laying little theory traps in their movies for dorks like me, and I’ll gladly take the bait from time to time. And other times, I’ll just “let it drift.” With the Coens, both options are great.

Random Thoughts / Favorite Quotes

It is absolutely insane that Jon Polito was 38 when they filmed this. I would've guessed 50 at the youngest. In fact, Gabriel Byrne was born six months earlier than Polito, yet Polito calls him “kid” multiple times. He’s an all time young old dude.

“Youse fancy pants, all of youse.”

“Friends is a mental state.”

J. E. Freeman is giving an all-time sneering performance in this.

I always liked the Vinny Vedecci skits on SNL in which Bill Hader as Vedecci would interview celebrities for his Italian talk show but the guests don’t speak Italian. Every skit would include a moment when Vedecci’s son, played by Bobby Moynihan would interrupt, dressed in an old-timey sailor outfit. He asks a question and the guest’s response makes him cry, and Vedecci has to calm him down with cigarettes and wine. It’s random as shit, unless you’ve seen Miller’s Crossing. Johnny Caspar’s son first appears in a sailor outfit, and later in the film Caspar hits him, causing him to have a crying fit (though he doesn’t give him a cigarette or wine). Hader, a known cinephile, clearly decided to pay homage to Caspar’s son in the Vedecci skit. He’s never acknowledged it in any interview that I could find, though Moynihan’s Wikipedia page states that the character is based on Caspar’s son, but there isn’t a citation for this. Either way, I think it’s pretty clear that this is the source of the SNL character. It’s just one of those great, random things Hader injected into his comedy.

Mike Starr really looks like his feelings are hurt after Tom hits him with the chair. His “Jesus, Tom,” is the best in the film, and it’s crazy that the Coens cut it out of the Criterion version of the film. I’m fine, I guess, with them “tightening things up” or whatever with these releases, but cutting that line baffles me.

“You got a lip on you. That’s all right. I don’t generally care for it. But that’s all right.”

“I forgive you.”

“I didn’t ask for that, and I don’t want it.”

This film presents the violence of gangster films so commonplace that it’s comedic. First, characters just treat it as part of the life, as evidenced by Tom and O’Doyle’s reaction to gunfire erupting during the raid on Caspar’s club. They don’t duck and cover; they just shrug it off as the typical bullshit you deal with in this world. 

Then there’s the attempted hit on Leo, in which he’s granted infinite ammo when he retaliates. If the amount of ammo wasn’t a clear indicator of the humor, then the way the goon dies in the window should solidify it as he goes all herky-jerky and shoots a complete circle around himself (including his own toes). And there’s the Sam Raimi cameo with the twitching body and the ridiculous firepower in that scene which rivals something out of a Naked Gun movie. 

The treatment of violence in Miller’s Crossing as both brutal and comic is one of the many reasons why I love it. The Coens have this rare ability to ride this line between sincere gangster noir and a parody of it. It’s a bit of having your cake and eating it, too, but why the fuck shouldn’t you eat cake if you have it? That saying is stupid as shit, as is the criticism it implies.

Blood Simple - The Best DVD Commentary of All Time

Blank Check with Griffin & David recently started their series on the Coen Brothers, so I’ve decided to write something about every movie as I follow the podcast (except for the ones I’ve previously written about: Raising Arizona, No Country for Old Men, A Serious Man, True Grit, and Inside Llewyn Davis [unless some kind of inspiration strikes upon a rewatch]). First up is their debut film, Blood Simple.

I’ve always liked Blood Simple, but it wasn’t the first Coen Brothers movie I watched, so my expectations were a bit too high. It’s darkly comic and features plenty of their hallmarks, but when you start with Raising Arizona, Miller’s Crossing, Fargo, The Big Lebowski, etc., and then check out Blood Simple, it can be a little underwhelming. Years removed from all that, I can start to appreciate this movie a bit more. But this time around, it was the DVD release that I own that interested me the most. 

When Blood Simple debuted on DVD in the early 2000s, it was a director’s cut of the film. The Coens went back and tightened things up (making this one of the rare shorter director’s cuts), and replaced a Neil Diamond song with their original choice of “It’s the Same Old Song” by The Four Tops. None of this mattered to me because I’ve never seen the theatrical cut (they did something similar with Miller’s Crossing, but that time it did annoy me, but I’ll get to that in a couple weeks). But they released this director’s cut at the height of cinephiles being annoyed with directors changing their movies, most notably George Lucas’s Star Wars Special Editions and Spielberg editing the guns out of E.T. I bring this up because the DVD release features a couple very strange elements that seem to be directly addressing the decision to tweak the film. 

The movie begins with an introduction from the owner of the fictitious Forever Young Films, describing how modern technology has allowed the film to be updated by taking out the “boring parts” and upgrading the audio using the “Lucas method.” This apparently played theatrically before the film when it was re-released, as well. It’s a little tongue-in-cheek acknowledgement that they, like the name-checked Lucas, have gone back and messed with their film with modern technology and years of experience to present their original vision. 

That would be plenty enough of a little in-joke for film fans, but for the DVD they added one much more ambitious bit of fuckery: a commentary track from Kenneth Loring (Jim Piddock) of Forever Young Films. The introduction was just a couple minutes long, but this commentary goes the entire film, and Piddock never breaks character. And, according to the few sites I could find that discuss the commentary, the Coens actually wrote the entire track. The dedication to the joke is funny in itself, but the commentary features plenty of legitimately funny nonsense.

I’m not going to transcribe this thing or anything (especially since there are a number of other articles that have already summarized most of it), but I did want to point out my favorite moments. Easily my favorite part is the claim that a fly was digitally created for a scene, but since it was 1984, it took so much computer power that it overloaded the mainframe and shut off power to the city for two days. The power outage also deleted months of work on the fly, which led one animator to commit suicide. Loring also claims that a dog is actually an animatronic. The opening scene in the car was filmed backwards and upside down. Fred Astaire was approached to be a body double. There was an entire Bulgarian subplot cut from the original film. Loring has an ongoing feud with someone named Adrian Butts, and he once had a bit of a run-in with Nick Nolte. Just a ton of utter bullshit that does that magical thing in comedy of being funny, then being tiresome, then becoming funny again. 

The commentary is funny for its absurdity alone, but it’s also amusing as a satire on commentary tracks. As a dork who has listened to far too many of these things, I appreciated that Loring over-explained most scenes to the point that he would just describe what was happening on screen, which is something surprisingly common on these tracks. It’s a great example of how silly and pretentious a lot of these tracks can be. Of course, I am a fan of filmmakers and others over-discussing a film, but I can appreciate the comedy of this fake track and acknowledge that a lot of commentary tracks are filled with pointless bullshit. One could argue that a movie should just be watched, and a commentary track is a needless distraction. 

That’s why it’s my favorite commentary track of all time, even besting Schwarzenegger's track on Conan the Barbarian (“I’m just getting laid a lot in this movie. It’s amazing.”) and Affleck’s savagely honest track for Armageddon. It’s the best kind of spoof: it’s funny on its own and as a…uh…commentary on commentaries. 

It’s also interesting in what it says about the Coen Brothers. They clearly felt self conscious enough about tweaking their film with that fake intro. But to go to the trouble of writing a whole fake commentary shows that they find navel-gazing and revisiting old work to be a little ridiculous, even if they were doing it themselves. It’s the kind of self-deprecation I love: you acknowledge your faults as an excuse to indulge in them. Of course, I can’t find any real evidence that they actually wrote the whole commentary, and it’s probably likely that Piddock was allowed to improvise a lot of it. So perhaps it was more of a silly afterthought for them to include on the DVD rather than a real statement about any of this kind of stuff. But it is odd that there has never been a real acknowledgement of this track aside from sites like mine posting about it. 

It wasn’t included on the Criterion release, either, which is why, I assume, that Griffin from Blank Check failed to mention it on their episode about Blood Simple because he bought the Criterion release rather than the old DVD. I’m not sure why it wasn’t included. I suppose it could be some kind of rights issue, but typically the old supplemental materials carry over onto Criterion editions, so I wonder if the Coens didn’t want it on there. Unfortunately, there are a lot of unanswered questions with this commentary, but that doesn’t take away from how fun it is. 

At the very least, the fake commentary on Blood Simple’s original DVD release is another example of why physical media is vital. Weird little special features like that are becoming more and more rare as the physical media landscape leans more into specialty releases. So it’s nice to have a copy on hand to revisit from time to time to get a few laughs and think about how ashamed the Coens were to go back and use the “Lucas method” on their first film.

Superman - "Metahumans Kill Thing"

Superman should be a simple character, but over time multiple interpretations have left things a bit contentious (existing for nearly ninety years will do that to a character). Whether it’s fans of previous incarnations or people who find the character “woke,” there are plenty of haters out there for a character who is typically considered so good that he’s boring. I find all this hand-wringing over what the character is “supposed” to be pretty fucking stupid.

I simply don’t care that much about Superman. It doesn’t matter to me if his immigrant status is front and center (to be clear, at least in the movies, he’s always been an alien). I don’t care if he’s goofier than the last version. I don’t care if he gets his ass kicked (something else that happens in all the other versions, too, by the way [he even died a couple movies ago!]). I’ve been fine with every cinematic version of him so far, and this current one might be my favorite.

I’m not well-versed enough in the comics to claim to know what a Superman movie should be, but James Gunn’s Superman is certainly the kind of movie I want for this character. I’ve watched nearly every comic book movie released in the last forty years, and this is one of the few that brought me pure joy. I found myself simply smiling throughout most of the film. I can find something to appreciate in all the modern versions of Superman. Donner’s is the traditional approach, Lester’s is there for some silly bullshit, Singer’s has the nostalgia factor (and it’s great to put on when I have trouble sleeping), and Snyder’s is more of a tortured god. I enjoy all of these to some degree, but Gunn’s is the first one that puts me in a good mood.

This isn’t just because of David Corenswet’s portrayal of Superman, though I thought he was great at presenting a powerful but vulnerable version of the character. It’s more to do with the world Gunn created. First off, it’s silly. Superman has a dog. He has goofy robot helpers. Second, and most importantly, this is a world that is so used to superheroes and monsters that no one seems too concerned when an interdimensional monster shows up. Sure, they run away and evacuate at times, but you get the feeling that this stuff is as common as bad weather. 

At the beginning of the film, we’re told that metahumans and monsters first started showing up three hundred years ago. Because of this, Superman’s appearance isn’t as big of a deal as it is in other incarnations. There’s no fear about what his existence will mean to mankind. He’s just another in a long line of super-powered beings, even though he is one of the most powerful. This solves a big problem I have with comic book movies of late: seriousness. It’s increasingly hard to care about the potential end of the world when it happens in every movie, and some hero or team of heroes saves the day every time. So it’s nice to have a movie in which everyone in it is like the audience: they’re used to this shit, so there’s no need to freak out or get too dark and serious about it.

Two of my favorite moments in the film involve giant beasts attacking Metropolis. The first one I enjoyed because of the news headline at the end that simply states: Metahumans Kill Thing. This shit is so common they don’t even bother to try to name these things anymore. Also, that fight shows how strong Superman is because he is holding back in the fight, hoping to find a way to incapacitate the monster and maybe find an “intergalactic zoo” they can relocate it to. He rightfully gets made fun of for this, but it’s nice that he isn’t in a hurry to kill something, even if it’s a monster. 

The second moment happens completely in the background. While a dejected Superman talks with Lois, the Justice Gang (I’m a fan of the name) battles a tentacled monster in the background. This shows that Superman isn’t the sole protector of this world, it provides some beautiful background imagery for a dialogue scene (I was reminded of the weird performance going on in Revenge of the Sith when Palpatine tells Anakin about Darth Plagueis), and it solidifies how normal this sort of thing is in this world. 

We all know Superman’s origin. Most of us know who Green Lantern is. The more obscure stuff like Krypto, Mr. Terrific, and Hawkgirl is easily accepted and understood in this setting. All of this would take up entire films in the past with set-ups in post-credits scenes and whatnot. But we either know all this stuff or can easily pick up on it, so why bother wasting time on it? Instead of getting a mid-credits stinger introducing Mr. Terrific, he’s just here, fully established. So instead of a hint, we can get arguably the film’s best action sequence with him and his awesome T-spheres. 

The economy of the film’s run time is great, but if anything, it’s too efficient. My only complaint is that I wanted more time with nearly every character. A few more newsroom scenes would have been great, but I also appreciate a fast moving film, especially since I took my six-year-old son with me, and the less dialogue the better for him. But if the biggest problem I have with a comic book movie is that it’s too short, then it’s something special.

Clearly, I’m a fan of James Gunn’s Superman. Time will tell if it holds up as one of, if not my favorite film in the series. Right now I’m riding on the high of the good vibes of the film (especially with that “Punkrocker” ending montage), but those will go away eventually, and I’ll see how I feel after a rewatch. I’m confident it will hold up. With most of the other Superman films, I need to be in a particular mood to watch them. With this one, I think it’ll be a movie I watch when I want to be put into a good mood. Maybe that’s not what a Superman movie is “supposed” to do, but it feels pretty good to me.

Graveyard Shift - "The Show's...Ovah!"

I’ve written about Graveyard Shift a couple times; once, a quick blurb for this site, and another, much more definitive article for the Midwest Film Journal. But I love this B-movie, so when I picked up the newest release from Kino Lorber, I felt the need to share my thoughts.

Before I get into the special features and whatnot of the new release, I still, somehow, have thoughts about the movie itself. I enjoy the general mood of the film as it perfectly captures a sweaty, shitty factory. But Stephen Macht as Warwick is what makes this movie special. 

Macht’s exaggerated New England accent among other strange mannerisms add some much needed weirdness and comedy to the film. My only issue with the performance, or the plot, I suppose, is how nuts he goes at the end. The dudes on the new commentary track chalk it up to him being a Vietnam veteran (like Dourif’s exterminator, who gets to be a less effective Quint from Jaws in this, even getting a grisly wartime monologue early in the film), but after this viewing I came away with a different theory: Warwick is a good boss just trying to keep the factory open and the constant disrespect, insubordination, and rat infestation attempting to destroy the factory cause him to have a psychotic break. 

To be clear, Warwick is a good boss, not a good man. He’s a sexual predator, trading office jobs for sex. He seems to take pleasure in the general misery of the factory, and he doesn’t need much of a push to become homicidal. There is no defending his morality. 

But when you consider him solely as the foreman of a mill, he’s not all that bad. First, no one has to work at the mill, and the clean up crew is volunteer-based (though he seems to be forcing Nordello on it, which doesn’t add up). There’s something to be said about the workers needing money so bad that they would take the job, but that’s not the point here. 

The clean up crew itself is viewed as some kind of punishment (though, again, they all volunteer for it), but Warwick is only doing it because an inspector surveyed the site and found it unsafe. Warwick pays off the inspector, presumably out of his own pocket, to give him some time to get it cleaned up. And it’s not just a fine or something he’s avoiding. When Nordello breaks into his office to get some dirt on Warwick, the inspector’s report shows that he was going to recommend that the mill be closed.

So everyone is there because they need the money, but Warwick is the bad guy for trying to keep it open? Workers do impressions of him (“Stah Search!”), his side-piece Nordello fucks up his car, the new guy douchebag is always mouthing off to him, the unhinged exterminator he hired can’t get rid of the rats, etc. So yeah, with all this going on, on top of the sweltering heat, it’s easy to see how he might go kill crazy once the college boy goads him into inspecting the giant rat-bat hideout.

The final shot of the “Now Hiring” sign with an added “Under New Management” is meant to be a dark joke to end the movie. But the joke is on the workers of the mill because without Warwick there, cutting corners and banging office workers, I give that place six months tops.

Special Features / Random Thoughts

I’m no expert on transfers and all that shit, but I thought this looked great. For such a shitty little B-movie, it almost seems wrong for it to look this good, but I’m glad it does.

I like the alternate cover Kino Lorber had commissioned for this, but I still prefer the original skull with a hardhat design that I remember seeing in the video store as a kid. Thankfully, both are options for the case.   

All the interviews are from the 2020 Shout! Factory release (which I somehow didn't know existed). But the commentary is new.

There's a typo in an interstitial during the Singleton interview (“Sematary” [as in Pet] is spelled “Semamtary.” I feel safe claiming to be the only weirdo to notice this.

Singleton’s interview is interesting just to see how his career started and somehow led to directing this one movie.

Stephen Macht reveals that he was roommates with Michael Moriarty. Awesome.

Macht went full method with this, isolating himself from the rest of the cast so they would dislike him onscreen and off.

Macht is great in the interview, claiming he hung out at gun shops and his process made him believe he was capable of murder. 

Of course, he talks about the accent. He worked with a dialect coach, and there was a local Maine guy on set who would advise him.

The commentary, done by a couple of critics/bloggers, is nice just because it’s evidence that I’m not the only person who liked this movie and spent at least a little time thinking about it.

First time I noticed a glaring continuity error. It shows Warwick showing up wearing a tie, cuts to Hall sitting in Warwick's office for the job interview, then cuts to Warwick (still with a tie) talking to an inspector in the basement, then back to Hall and Warwick shows up without a tie and wearing a different shirt. Who really cares? But I felt the need to point it out since I've seen this movie at least ten times and never noticed it. Sometimes these guilty pleasures don't get my full attention.

There’s an ellipsis at the end of the animal safety thing at the end: “No animals were harmed in any way during the making of this film…” Whomever was in charge of the credits was feeling cute that day. I hope they’re happy to know at least one loser noticed it.

Godzilla - Ranked

After my son showed an interest in Godzilla, I decided to watch every single movie. In my article covering that journey, I ended it by promising to write my full rankings after I had a chance to watch Godzilla Minus One. And just over one year later, I’m finally getting around to it. I watched Minus One and Minus Color once they showed up on Netflix months ago, but actually compiling this list was too daunting for my lazy ass. For whatever reason, today’s the day I felt like putting it down, so here you go. 

For some of these, I took notes as I watched, which I’ll include here. For others, some I loved and some I didn’t care for, I was either too into it or not into it enough to take notes, so for those I’ll just write a sentence or two justifying my pick.

I am a completist, and I watched every version of these films I could find. Since I watched them, I consider them entries in the series, so all the American versions are ranked as their own films as well as oddities like the Italian cut, or Cozzilla. I know these are technically canon or whatever, but this isn’t some academic exercise and, if I’m lucky, twenty people will read this so, fuck it, they’re in.

One last note, I flip flop on this for my ranking articles, but I’m starting with number one and working my way down here. It just seems stupid to give my least favorite Godzilla film any space at the top of the page.

1. Shin Godzilla

This is exactly what I want from a Godzilla movie. Don't get me wrong; I love it when G is Earth's savior. But when G as the planet's destroyer is done right, it's amazing. And most importantly, if the human element is as compelling as the monster action, then it’s something special. Whenever I just want a quick Godzilla fix, Shin Godzilla will always be my go-to.

Random Thoughts

Not a ton of notes because I was just enjoying every minute of this one.

The bureaucracy stuff at the beginning is hilarious.

This is what Emmerich was supposed to do with the American version: show what a modern response would be from the top of government. Instead, he had a Roger Ebert impersonator in charge.

The first version of Godzilla is amazing. I love those goofy-ass eyes.

I love how fast everything happens while the politicians are somehow fast and slow at the same time.

Holy shit, that attack in the middle is amazing. In all the movies with the miniature cities, Godzilla's destructive power never seems truly frightening. In Shin, G is a legitimately terrifying creature that could destroy the entire planet. 

And it directly deals with the complexities of agreeing to a US-led nuclear strike in Japan. 

The film shifts into a race against the use of nuclear weapons and a reliance on outside countries, mainly the U.S. And it's just as compelling as Godzilla marching to destroy a city. That's what makes this one of the best in the series and my overall favorite so far.

2. Godzilla vs. Destoroyah

A damn near perfect Godzilla film. It features one of the best and most gruesome fights, the most powerful opponent in the series in Destoroyah, and the story is handled with the perfect tone. This truly feels like the world might end; you can feel the finality in each scene. I’m all for these films being goofy and fun, but when they get the serious tone right, it’s awesome. And I’ve always liked Godzilla, but this is the first movie that made me care about him. Amazing.

Random Thoughts

Dude holding up a floppy disk: “It came through the internet from a Japanese college boy.” Yup, we’re in the ‘90s.

“Yes, my micro-oxygen machine creates atoms that can penetrate any metal in the world, but I doubt humans would use it as a weapon. I’m sure they’ll just use it for smaller oxygen tanks for divers and to feed small fish. I don’t anticipate any potential problems.”

“Thank you for your scientist-like optimism.”

I like how closely this ties into the original. Nice to have the new monster be a product of Earth rather than something flying from space.

And what a premise: Godzilla is going to keep getting more and more violent until he explodes, destroying the planet.

Nice little Alien reference in the mouth protruder of Destoroyah.

“You want Destoroyah to fight Godzilla?”

“That’s a ridiculous idea!”

Shut the fuck up, nerd. Let them fight.

Godzilla looks wild in this. The glowing eyes, on fire inside; easily my favorite design so far.

3. Godzilla Minus One

This one had a lot of hype to it and loomed large over me as I watched every other Godzilla movie beforehand, and it somehow lived up to it. As I made my way through the series, I went from your typical moron (“I just want to see giant monsters fight. Who cares about the humans?”) to a seasoned vet who needs a compelling human story to enjoy one of these completely. Minus One is the only film in the series in which I truly cared more about what was going on with the humans than with Godzilla. I like the silly entries in the franchise, but this one proves that these can be objectively good films.

4. Godzilla: King of the Monsters

The first time I watched this (years ago), I was not a Godzilla guy, so I just thought it was okay. Watching it again now as a fan, this is pretty fucking awesome.

What works the best for me, aside from the excellent fights and one of my favorite forms of G (the atomic meltdown version), is the tone. Any movie with this many monsters is inherently going to be a little silly, and there are some jokes here and there, but overall this is all treated with deadly seriousness. The best Godzilla films are fun but the end of the world threat is still real, and this one definitely sticks with that formula.

Random Thoughts

I’ve always liked the larva version of Mothra, but never found her to be imposing or anything. This version is badass.

Sorry, Dr. Serizawa, I’m going to keep calling them monsters.

Only direction most likely given to Charles Dance in this: “You know, just do the usual thing you do.”

It’s cool to see Ghidorah’s heads kind of fighting with each other. Usually, they’re just three goofy ass wobble heads spraying lightning wherever. But here, it seems like one is the boss, like when one was trying to lick up the people residue on the ice and another head bumped him to make him quit. I appreciate shit like that.

If this was directed by Gareth Edwards, as soon as Godzilla showed up to fight Ghidorah, it would cut to a sleeping security guard with the fight playing in the background on a black and white CCTV monitor.

Or he would have had Kyle Chandler get knocked out at the beginning of the fight instead of the end.

G’s plates illuminating before the atomic breath looks cool, but it sucks for fight strategy since it telegraphs the move every time.

No dude can ever complain about his messy divorce in front of Chandler. “Yeah, man, that sounds really bad. But did your ex take your daughter and join an eco-terrorist group and unleash a bunch of monsters in an attempt to stabilize the world by letting them kill most of the population?”

You know they were going for a laugh when that pilot ejected right into Rodan’s mouth.

That’s a hell of a warning Edward R. Murrow gave them about the oxygen destroyer: “Hey, guys, just a head’s up: we developed a frightening new weapon, and it’s headed your way.”

Pretty sure the head that G bit off was the dildo one that was trying to slurp up human goo earlier.

Watanabe, are you sure you're the one that has to go on the suicide mission? Why can't Chandler go, or Whitford? Wait. Where's Middleditch? You should definitely just send Middleditch instead.

I'm okay with Farmiga's suicide mission. I mean, how do you come back from releasing Ghidorah? I'm a forgiving person, but if my wife ever releases Ghidorah, it's fucking over forever.

I love watching G slam Ghidorah around in the Showa movies, but doing the atomic breath through one of Ghidorah's severed heads is about as metal as it gets.

First time I've noticed the “II” in the title at the end. Why is that never included in the title elsewhere? UPDATE: The title is like that on Max, but not other releases. They seem to be using some kind of international cut since there is a "II" in the title in some other countries.

Charles Dance wasn't in the next one, and I doubt he's in the new one. I hope they haven't abandoned his post credits tease of what I can only assume will be a MechaGhidorah in a future film.

Another update: watching Godzilla vs. Kong right now, and I completely forgot that the Ghidorah skull was used to make Mechagodzilla. It's hard to remember all this shit.

5. Godzilla vs. Hedorah

My favorite of the Showa Era. It features the best, and most disgusting, battle yet. Godzilla is in full “protector of Earth” mode. And the humans actually serve a purpose in the final battle. There’s a bit too much exposition since they’re still catering to children a bit, but overall an awesome Godzilla movie from start to finish.

Random Thoughts

The opening credits are wild. They're like a Bond movie's credits if Bond was fighting pollution.

The focus on the clock floating in all that pollution was pretty fucking subtle.

It's now the ‘70s, so pollution has replaced nuclear weapons as the big threat.

I dig the triumphant reveal of Godzilla emerging in front of the sun.

“I bet Godzilla would be mad if he saw this.” This is the Godzilla I like the most: protector of the planet.

It’s different, which is cool, but I don’t particularly enjoy the use of the jaw harp in the score when Godzilla shows up.

No offense, Godzilla, but I’m not sure burning all the trash in the ocean is the answer to this problem.

But in G’s defense, that dickhead doctor in the American version of King Kong Vs. Godzilla did say G’s brain is the size of a marble.

All of that seems to be part of a child’s dream, though, so whatever.

That psychedelic night club is great. Do you want to be reminded of the awful pollution going on in the world but also want to get drunk and jam out? Then this is the place for you.

Hedorah is just minding his own business doing bong rips off a smokestack then that narc Godzilla shows up to ruin it.

Great transition shot from Godzilla spinning Hedorah around to a table of mah-jongg tiles being shuffled.

That must’ve been a wild day on set when everyone had to put on the fish masks and dance at the club.

“Godzilla! Let’s get closer.” Sure, why not?

This is the first time I can recall them giving specific stats after a monster fight. Normally, it’s just “Tokyo was nearly destroyed!” Now, they’re giving death totals and the amount of buildings destroyed.

Those animated interstitials are nice if you’ve somehow missed that this one is about pollution.

Although, I can see why they added them. It’s a bridge for the series between children and adults because they know both children and adults alike enjoy Godzilla. At least, that’s what I tell myself after watching a dozen of these in one week.

Yeah, definitely moving on from the kiddie stuff when you see the dude get dissolved by Hedorah’s acid rain and a kid comes across all the bones.

Not to be anti-mask, but would that stop you from being completely dissolved? But I do like the commentary of a business immediately seeking to profit from this.

This one borders on becoming preachy, but I like that it directly addresses both the real-life issue of pollution and the fictional toll of the monster. Giving numbers and treating it seriously makes the metaphor much stronger than in past films in which the monsters aren’t even seen as the metaphoric after-effects of the nuclear age anymore and are just fun creatures for children to root for.

“The world is fucked, so let’s jam out and dance until the smog monster dissolves us with acid!” That’s the hippie version of seppuku.

I love it when Godzilla gets hit in the eye and he immediately smacks himself.

This film does an excellent job of building up this final showdown with Hedorah growing stronger over the course of the film.

The ultimate insult to Godzilla: picked up like a rag doll and dropped into a hole, which is then filled with Hedorah’s sludge-shit.

The grossness of this battle is fantastic.

This reminds me of a Rocky match. Both dudes are fucked up, have eyes swollen shut, but keep going until there’s a winner.

Or, in this case, it goes on until Godzilla rips out Hedorah’s balls and electrocutes them to dust.

That’s right, Hedorah, Godzilla can fly, too. It looks goofy as shit, but it gets the job done.

“Will there be another?” HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

6. Godzilla (1954)

This might be sacrilegious to place the first film this far down. I do love it, and I appreciate it more with each viewing, but I have to be honest, and these rankings are always about which films I personally enjoy the most. 

Random Thoughts

“I barely escaped the atomic bomb in Nagasaki, and now this!”

“Evacuate again? I’ve had enough.”

There is panic, but also a grim acceptance of Godzilla. It’s what makes this first film so lasting in its legacy. This may essentially be a movie in which a guy in a rubber suit demolishes a miniature set, which is inherently silly; but when placed in historical context, it’s a somber film.

They knew they couldn’t sustain this mood for the entire series, though, and quickly the films became more fun and comedic. It’s easy to dismiss those later films, but that’s part of the psyche of the nation, too. They can’t just keep making somber, depressing movies; they have to adapt and move on, just as they did in reality. So Godzilla can’t keep showing up as this grim reminder all the time; sometimes he gets to show up and fight aliens and do a celebration dance, or do a physics-defying kick, or hit a rock back and forth with King Kong. You can have both types of movies.

That’s what I’ve come to love about this series; there’s a Godzilla movie for any mood I might be in.

“We’re going to join Daddy! We’ll be where Daddy is soon!” For me, nothing in the series has ever come close to matching the bleakness of this moment.

7. Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla

This made me realize what I want from this era of Godzilla: serious goofiness. Much like how a movie like Airplane! only works because everyone is playing it straight, Godzilla Vs. Mechagodzilla works because these characters, and the movie itself, never wink at the audience when silly stuff, like ape-aliens controlling a robot Godzilla, happens. This makes the human story much more interesting and watchable, which is so important to this series.

Random Thoughts

“Just as I thought. This is space titanium.”

I like the apocalyptic tone of this.

Mechagodzilla made Anguirus look like a silly bitch. Just an absolute beat down.

“I didn't expect the real Godzilla to show up so soon.” Me neither. Sometimes it takes over half the movie for that lazy lizard monster to show his goofy face.

Great call to have Mechagodzilla start out being disguised as Godzilla. It allows for a Godzilla vs. Godzilla fight, and we get some classic destruction from Godzilla, who at this point is more friend than foe with humanity and has been more protective than destructive.

I always like how the aliens in this franchise are just humans (or projections of humans). The dude running Mechagodzilla is smoking a fucking cigar.

My enjoyment of these movies typically hinges on when the action takes place. If they save almost all of it for the very end, it gets to be too much of a slog. When there's a great fight early on, everything just flows smoothly.

“Don't worry, honey, just get some sleep. I'll just be out by the shuffleboard court in a fight to the death with an ape/alien.”

So if the aliens are ape-men, then technically that was an ape smoking a cigar earlier. Awesome.

Seeing blood spray out of Godzilla is always wild.

I'm glad they show the transition from human to ape every time an alien dies.

I like that goofy-ass King Caesar, but he is the laziest of Godzilla's friends. Dude sits out years of monster fights, and when he does help out it takes a bunch of prophecy nonsense and a full song to wake him up. So if no one sang the song would he just sit there forever? Anyway, he helps G take down Mechagodzilla and immediately goes back to bed and then skips the very next fight, a rematch with Mechagodzilla.

I'm just saying maybe a monster should have more energy than me.

8. King Kong vs. Godzilla (1962)

A movie with this title has to be silly, and this certainly is. Once I learned to just go with whatever the tone of the movie is, I liked this series much more. Too often, viewers want to apply what they think a Godzilla movie should be to each new release. But you can’t ask for original Godzilla energy when the main plot involves a giant ape showing up to fight G.

Random Thoughts

Good idea to lean into the comedy for this because the basic idea of Kong vs. Godzilla is goofy as fuck.

But it’s also a bit dark in how realistic it is because this is probably how this would happen in real life: a corporation introduces a possible world killer for advertising purposes.

And people are betting on the fight, which absolutely would happen. I can see the Draftkings commercial now: “Bet the over/under on how many boulders Kong throws for a chance to win up to $1,000 in bonus bets!”

Speaking of which, the first showdown between them is hilarious. It’s like a grade school fight in that they’re both hyped up, but won’t actually fight. And when Kong gets a little burnt, he just walks off like, “Fuck this shit.” And that’s it. I wish they stayed on him slowly walking away longer.

I like how the radio has to point out that Kong is an animal and Godzilla is a monster. That definitely feels like a requirement for the rights to Kong. “You can have him do all kinds of silly shit like throwing rocks at an octopus then immediately getting drunk and passing out, but you must acknowledge that he is NOT a monster.”

In case you weren’t sure if the pharmaceutical dudes were pieces of shit, they give a tribal kid cigarettes.

The amount of voltage required to take down Godzilla changes wildly from film to film.

And the dude in charge of it is great. “Can you supply one million volts?”

“I’m not sure, but I believe we can.” So no…but yeah.

“King Kong is running wild through the suburbs of Tokyo.” Cut to: King Kong literally running wild through the suburbs of Tokyo.

Holy shit the Japanese military made those berry bombs fast!

And they have giant balloons and helium at the ready!

This movie is fucking wild.

9. Terror of Mechagodzilla

The end of an era.

I wish there was more Godzilla in this one, but the human stuff was decent and treated with the seriousness I want from these movies.

Random Thoughts

If you're going to use old footage, this is how it's done: turn it into an awesome credits sequence.

I like the sound of Titanosaurus; it’s almost like he’s laughing like a lunatic as he attacks. Maybe he is…

“Chief, there’s something fishy about this.” Is that a pun, you fuckhead?

The two aliens are introduced by having them bitch about how shitty air travel is on Earth.

“It’s just like the brains of these earthlings…polluted and chaotic.” Yep.

In the pictures showing the past events with the doctor, it shows him being physically attacked for claiming to have found a dinosaur. I wish they just had that as a full flashback instead of a picture.

I know she’s a cyborg or whatever, but those are the first exposed breasts in the series. Speaking of which, why aren’t they covered up?

“Their hatred will become one, unleashing an orgy of violence.” Well, bring it on, because there’s a bit too much alien/scientist stuff going on in this one and not enough orgies of violence.

“You’ll live happily ever after with your daughter.” Even an ape-alien has to know that sounds creepy as fuck.

“Titanosaurus and Mechagodzilla, both under alien control, are now striking at the heart of the city.” Only in Tokyo can such a report be read so calmly.

They really upped their city destruction effects with this one. All the exploding buildings look great.

Maybe they should have kept King Caesar awake a little longer instead of letting that lazy bitch go right back to sleep at the end of the last one.

It must suck to finally meet someone you like, but it turns out her father is a mad scientist, she's died twice and is now a cyborg, and she's controlling a Mechagodzilla in an attempt to destroy Tokyo for ape-aliens.

Wait, the aliens are just humans with fucked up faces? I thought these were the same ape dudes from the last one. Oh well, I'm not going back through this and changing any references to ape-aliens.

10. Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidora: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack

I typically don't like these films as much when Godzilla is the villain, and the humans take up too much of the running time. But both aspects are handled so well here that I didn't mind. Godzilla looks straight up demonic, and I cared about the father and daughter at the center of the story.

Also, this is one of the most powerful versions of Godzilla. Usually, a new monster shows up and starts kicking G’s ass until something, human or supernatural, gives him an edge. Here, he takes down Baragon with no problem, and the guardian monsters are really just there to give the humans a chance to defeat him. It's just much more compelling this way to me.

Random Thoughts

Easily the most trademarks I've ever seen in a movie title.

I like the slasher element of Mothra emerging from a lake like Jason and killing a bunch of obnoxious, partying (and dog drowning?) young people.

Good call showing news footage of the dog surviving.

“Quick! Get a photo. Then we'll run away.” Yup, that's probably how people would react.

That tail hit sending Baragon into the helicopter was badass.

Baragon isn't much of a guardian monster. Unless his job was just to distract Godzilla for a few minutes.

Baragon, you suck so much they didn’t even include you in the title with the rest of the monsters.

I like the demonic look of G in this. If you're going to make him the villain (which I'm not crazy about), you better make him look evil as shit.

This is my favorite version of Mothra so far, only because the tiny twins are nowhere to be found.

Okay, Baragon does show up in spirit or whatever near the end, but he's still a bitch in my book.

11. Son of Godzilla

If you weren't sure if this franchise was completely aimed at children at this point, this movie removed all doubt.

When I said I wanted more focus on Godzilla, this isn't what I had in mind, but I'll take it.

Since Godzilla spends most of the movie being annoyed at having to help his child, this is easily the most I've ever identified with him.

Random Thoughts

When that goofy ass music starts after the title, you know you're in for some stupid, hopefully fun, shit.

The radio operator near the beginning is wearing goofier headphones than even my toddler children wear.

“You'll have to go back.”

“That's ridiculous.”

“You're the one that's ridiculous.”

Sick fucking burn, dude.

“Stupid idiot. There's nothing interesting about this island!” What? There was a giant praying mantis hanging around the night before!

I can't believe their plan to control the weather had complications.

Okay, the look of Babyzilla had me like, “Fuck this shit,” but then he took a rock to the face and won me over.

The mantis fight is great. It's nice for Godzilla to have some minor enemies to throw around and rip apart.

The rock as a ball is one of my favorite running gags in the series.

Godzilla rolls his eyes at Babyzilla as if to say, “Can you believe this kid?” You've been a dad for literally one minute, asshole.

He redeems himself by giving Babyzilla a tail ride, though.

Babyzilla makes donkey noises. Sure, why not?

First and only time someone has called Godzilla a “study nut.”

As a parent, I totally get Godzilla trying to take a nap all the time.

If you hate praying mantises and wish to see violence done upon them, this is the movie for you.

I'm no scholar of this series, but that blurry shot during the Spiga fight might be the first ever shot from Godzilla's perspective.

12. Invasion of Astro-Monster

Definitely goofy, but I enjoyed all the silly sci-fi shit.

Random Thoughts

There's something great about sci-fi from this era. I think it's the lack of any attempt at realism. It's refreshing for them to just be like, “There's a new planet. We just sent two dudes there yesterday. Turns out people live there. Accept your new reality.”

“Oh, you want to come take Godzilla and Rodan, the two monsters who keep fucking up our shit down on Earth, except that one time last year when they reluctantly saved us? And you'll give us the cure to all diseases? You strike a hard bargain, you alien dildos, but you've got a deal.”

That victory dance Godzilla does is both the dumbest and greatest thing I've ever seen.

Astronaut Glenn looks a lot like Glen Powell.

“Beauty is more than skin deep. Beauty is also what's in the heart.”

“Let's not argue the matter.”

Yeah, no shit, Glenn. Were you really about to get into a prolonged discussion about love with a dude from Planet X? Stop thinking with your dick, you horny maniac.

I love the shot of Godzilla and Rodan just staring at the astronauts like, “What the fuck? You guys are leaving?!”

Holy shit, Glenn says “robots” like Dr. Zoidberg.

“Listen here, Fuji, your dumbass future brother-in-law accidentally made an alien killer with that cockamamie rape whistle of his. Now shut up, and let's give those alien rats what-for!”

Is “sound defeats aliens” a common trope in early sci-fi, or did Mars Attacks! rip this off?

Godzilla is nimble as fuck in this one. He's just straight up boxing Ghidorah at one point.

13. Godzilla (2014)

This is the one I have the most complicated history with. When I first watched it in theaters, I was supremely disappointed with the cut-aways from the action. I’ve made my peace with it over the years and have come to enjoy this one quite a bit. I still think there was the potential for this to be one of the best in the series, but despite its shortcomings, it’s still a good’un, and all the stuff at the end saves it for me.

Random Thoughts

I paused the movie halfway through to watch the trailers for it. I just remember how awesome they were, and they still give me chills when I watch them, but the movie itself does not (well, I am kind of partial to the HALO jump sequence). That’s not to say I don’t like this one; in fact, it’s one of my favorite films in the series. But those previews do not represent the film. The main one makes Cranston seem like the main character, and both the teaser and the main trailer make it seem like Godzilla is going to be in more of it.

This was actually the first Godzilla movie I ever watched, mainly because those previews sold me on it. Because of that and my lack of knowledge of the series, this was a pretty big letdown for me back in 2014. Watching it now, I still think G should be in it more, but I’m also more used to the typical formula of him showing up here and there but not making a prominent appearance until the end.

Going through the series in chronological order has helped me appreciate this one a bit more, but watching Shin Godzilla right before rewatching this one hurts it. In Shin, they had no issue with just having G show up with no warning at the beginning. Why, then, does this movie feel the need to give us nearly an hour of set up to reveal him? He’s the title character! We all know he’s in the movie, so why wait so long?

Once again, I’m actually positive on this one, but when you compare it to the great films in the series, it starts to look worse.

It’s still crazy to me that they killed off Cranston so early. Why couldn’t he be with Ford the whole time? Or at least hang out with Watanabe and Hawkins while Ford does his military stuff. It would have given them some great moments to repair their relationship. Hell, you could still kill him off in the end, but it could’ve been a much more emotional moment than the one we got.

I read an article on Screen Rant in which the director claimed having him live would make the movie too much like Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and that it wouldn’t make sense for Cranston to be running around with the military. But as I mentioned above, he could be with Watanabe and Hawkins, as they weren’t military. And what the fuck is wrong with being similar to The Last Crusade? And why would it have to be that way? Just don’t make it as jokey as that movie was. What the fuck?

I think it had something to do with scheduling or paying Cranston enough or something. It just doesn’t make sense otherwise.

Anyway, once I accept Cranston’s death (which I still clearly haven’t, I guess) this is easier to enjoy.

But the fake out fight in Hawaii sucks. To just show a clip of it on TV is annoying. And then it’s finally day time so we can get a better look at the MUTO in Vegas, but they just show that on TV, too, and just show the damage after it’s made its way through the city.

Starting to remember why I kind of hated this back in 2014.

Another fight starts, and we cut away again.

Look, the HALO jump and Godzilla making a MUTO fuckin’ eat some atomic breath save this one for me, but the fight in the dark pisses me off.

Now that I’ve seen Shin, I just feel like it’s a direct response to this movie with so much of G featured and so much daylight action. G is constantly hidden by darkness and smoke in this one, but we get a ton of broad daylight footage of him in Shin. Watching these in the order that I have makes me like 2014 a bit less and like Shin even more.

14. Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster

One of those wacky sci-fi ones, but still pretty good. I mean, it has Ghidorah, so it’s going be decent no matter what.

Random Thoughts

Really dig those opening credits. It’s a great way to show a little action and tease what’s to come. And those freeze frames rock.

Nice of this made up civilization to bring back the ruffled collars from Shakespeare’s day.

The surviving Mothra worm is even more hideous this time.

Still not a fan of the tiny singing ladies.

This is going to sound odd, but I think Shannyn Sossamon’s wardrobe in 40 Days and 40 Nights is based on the fisherman outfit the Princess wears in this. Sossamon definitely wears a similar hat at one point.

I’m starting to think my main complaint with 2014 Godzilla is unfair. These movies focus more on the humans than I expected them to, though I still believe it’s mainly because of their budget limitations, which is an issue the filmmakers of the 2014 film would not have had.

“We’re doing our best to destroy the monsters as soon as possible.”

Can you imagine what this would be like if it happened in the real world? Every year a new monster shows up in Japan and Godzilla wakes back up to fight it? I’m sure it would suck for Japan, but I imagine being here in the States just wondering, “What the fuck is going on over there?” I mean, I know it’s all America’s fault, but still…

I like the eyeball work on this Godzilla.

This has to be the worst assassin team in assassin team history.

Seriously, the initial plan was to blow up an airplane mid-flight, but once she somehow survives that and becomes Venusian they can’t kill her until she remembers that she’s the Princess? I don’t think the line of succession in Selgina accounts for interdimensional possession; as far as they’re concerned, I imagine, dead is dead, no matter how intact her memory is.

I always enjoy the trash-talking segment of these showdowns in which the monsters gesticulate wildly while making their trademark noises at each other.

The scurrying sound Mothra makes is great.

I wish that rock volley between Godzilla and Rodan had gone on for at least another thirty seconds.

“I don’t speak monster.”

I agree, Godzilla and Rodan. Humans suck.

Godzilla stole that rock-throwing technique from Kong.

I liked the ending fight, and it was nice to finally see Godzilla as one of the good guys, but man, you have to sit through a lot of Venusian nonsense to get there.

15. Ebirah, Horror of the Deep

These movies in which Godzilla is almost an afterthought are amusing, but I'm ready for the big guy to take center stage again.

Random Thoughts

Five minutes in, and a dude shows up three days late to a dance contest to win a boat so he can sail out and look for his shipwrecked brother. So he teams up with two contest losers and breaks into a yacht. The rifle-toting owner lets them spend the night, and in the morning the boat is in the middle of the ocean because the dude set sail in the middle of the night and the owner just goes with it. This is my kind of nonsense.

And it turns out the “owner” was a thief hiding on the boat. This movie does a lot of work to get the main dude on the ocean.

“So how did you guys end up at a Bond villain lair in the middle of a giant monster fight?”

“Well, it all started on the third day of a dance contest to win a luxury yacht…”

Mothra is definitely the laziest of the monsters. Those tiny exposition twins are always having to sing to wake her up.

“Oh, right. I forgot about them after Godzilla woke up.” Godzilla has a way of making you forget about the smaller things.

Godzilla dance-fights some jets in this one. Makes sense.

Despite the goofy tone of this, it actually features some of the best action in the series thus far. I could watch this Godzilla fuck up jets all day.

Finally, some dismemberment in one of these monster fights.

My son asked if Godzilla was going to eat Ebirah’s “arm for breakfast.” In this movie, anything is possible, son.

“That's the end of the island.”

“But not the end of atomic bombs. Let's hope they're used wisely or not at all.”

“Thanks for the lecture, professor.”

Yeah, don't try to add depth to this goofy shit, you dork.

16. The Return of Godzilla

The return to a completely serious tone is something I've wanted from the series, along with the updated effects, but it left me without much to say about it all. It was entertaining and looked great, but I got so used to the hardcore sci-fi stuff the series was doing that a straight up sequel to the original seems plain by comparison.

In the end, it's simply less fun than the series had been up to this point. So it all depends on what kind of Godzilla you're in the mood for.

17. Godzilla vs. Biollante

This definitely delved back into wacky sci-fi with the ESP and Godzilla cells and rose with a soul and all that. I got a little lost in all that human nonsense, but I still dig the look of G at this point, and the effects are great. And when that tentacle goes right through G’s hand? Holy shit. Nastiest fight since Hedorah. Good stuff.

I do feel the need to revisit this one because it seems to be more highly regarded by others, especially with that recent Criterion release.

Random Thoughts

“Yes, I’ve heard of your father’s project. He wants to preserve Nobel Prize winners’ semen to use for future production of geniuses.” Um…what?

Even outside of a Godzilla movie, if a group of small children all dreamed of the monster it would freak me the fuck out.

“I think now I may have made a mistake.” So splicing Godzilla cells with a rose containing your daughter’s soul was a BAD idea?

Great intro to G in this one.

“Biollante and Godzilla aren’t monsters.” Yeah, they are.

18. Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire

I'm okay with the Hollow Earth stuff because it allows for endless possibilities for these movies, but it also bogs the story down with everyone having to journey around down there when we're all just waiting to see giant monsters fighting on regular Earth.

It's never boring, and the humans are amusing enough at times. But I'm here for crazy fights, and by the end of the film, I was happy. Big G in meltdown mode was great, and I would watch ten uninterrupted minutes of him napping in the Colosseum like a grumpy cat over Hollow Earth stuff every time.

But the Legendary movies largely feel pointless when compared to stuff like Minus One and Shin. I kind of just think of them as the “dumb fun” versions.

19. King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)

The Americanized version is similar to what they did to the original: added in some periphery American characters, dubbed the original Japanese characters, and re-cut the whole thing.

Overall, I prefer the original. But one part did make me laugh: the doctor they keep talking to claims Godzilla's brain is the size of a marble while Kong's brain is massive, making Kong much more intelligent. But when the two meet, Kong acts just as stupid as Godzilla. The science doesn't add up!

20. Godzilla vs. Kong

I definitely prefer King of the Monsters over this, but I still had a good time with it. It just feels more like a Kong movie that Godzilla happens to be in, and I’m in Godzilla mode right now, so that brings it down a notch for me.

Still, giant monsters and a robot fight, a bunch of silly stuff happens in between, and that’s that.

Random Thoughts

Something I’ve come to appreciate from the Legendary stuff, including the TV show, is that they always let you know when and where you are.

Did I miss the part when they explain exactly who this Serizawa character is? Googling it reveals that he is Watanabe’s son, but where has he been before this? And why does he seem to hate Godzilla when his dad loved him? Is this a jealousy thing? Fine, but say it. Don’t just introduce a dude with the same last name and kill him off in the same movie without going deeper.

I think a Kong sequel should have happened before this. Yes, they slowly explain that Skull Island was taken over by the storm and Monarch set up the Truman Show outpost for him, but there is definitely a movie in that story. Or at least there’s a movie between whatever happened from 1973 to now.

But once these two start fighting, I forget about any questions I have about what happened between movies.

I still think weather balloons make for a better Kong airlift.

My dumbass forgot about the Ghidorah skull in this. At the end of King of the Monsters, I wondered what would eventually happen with the skull and Charles Dance. There are still some unanswered questions, though. Apparently the novelization implies that Dance sold the skull to Walter Simmons, but that doesn’t make sense. Dance’s character was all about releasing Titans to solve overpopulation; he wasn’t trying to make money. And he didn’t want humans to be dominant over Titans.

Also, the podcaster dude claims Apex has more than one skull. So who’s to say any of these came from Dance? Anyway, it would’ve been nice for them to clear this up, but whatever. Monsters and robots are fighting, so who gives a fuck?

Kong is such a bitch for bringing a weapon to the fight. If Kong can’t handle some atomic breath without his special ax, then these two aren’t exactly equals, are they?

I do enjoy the fights and a lot of the camerawork in this. I’m a sucker for these big, CG battles, especially when I can easily see what’s going on. It’s not a quick cut nightmare or filmed in a blackout filled with smoke. This is a fight in a neon hellscape, and I love it.

Still wish they would’ve built a Mechaghidorah.

So the extent of the plot line involving Stranger Things, Paper Boi, and Wilderpeople was to just pour whiskey on a console?

21. Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah

The final battle with a Mechaghidorah saved this one for me as the time travel stuff just didn't work for me. But it was pretty wacky, which is something I typically like.

I also liked the part when the Terminator rip-off guy's jacket catches on fire, and he struggles to rip it off for a few seconds then gives up and takes it off the normal way. They could have reshot that, but no way were they going to do a second take with a fire stunt.

22. Godzilla vs. Mothra

I think I prefer this modern take on the Mothra story, and I liked Battra quite a bit. I’m not crazy about being back in “Godzilla is the bad guy” territory. Still, a solid entry.

Random Thoughts

Digging the Indiana Jones vibe of the beginning.

Not happy that Mothra still has the silly twins. I will never be a fan of the tiny twins. For whatever reason, in a series featuring multiple monsters and ape-aliens and all manner of silliness, I draw the line at the tiny twins.

“That thing is approaching Japan!” Where else would a giant monster approach?

I’m typically more of a fan of Godzilla as Earth’s protector, but this pissed off looking Godzilla is pretty fucking awesome.

“We can’t afford to stay in our eggs forever.” Good for her for being able to be introspective after watching a giant monster fight in the ocean.

“So hear me out: how about instead of one gigantic egg, we have two tiny women?”

“Get them doll furniture to suit their needs!”

I don't care for the larval Mothra design. But both Battra designs are badass.

Anytime I see monster blood, I’m happy. It sucked watching Godzilla go out like a bitch, but at least he took out Battra along the way.

23. Godzilla: Final Wars

I was worried about this one when it started. It was just too frenetic and silly for me. But once it slowed down, and I realized it was just a riff on Invasion of the Astro-Monster, I enjoyed it quite a bit.

Plus, Gigan gets beat down multiple times, and it's always fun to see that goofy bastard take some punishment.

Random Thoughts

So in this universe, Stalin is a monster hunter in charge of a giant drill ship? This is going to be fucking wacky.

Man, so far I'm twenty minutes in and this is more stupid than fun to me. I guess I like the idea of all these different monsters, even the 1998 Zilla, showing up, but this is feeling like the fever dream of a drugged up toddler.

But I guess this is what you get when you wish for more monster action in these movies.

Damn it, I was hoping for ape-aliens, not generic slimy fuckers.

So this is kind of a remake of Invasion of the Astro-Monster.

What a debut role for Don Frye, who I will keep referring to as Stalin.

Once this slowed down, I started to like it a bit more.

Okay, seeing Gigan get his stupid head blown off won me over. This is a good'un.

I keep forgetting Minila is in this.

Nice of them to settle the debate as to which version of Godzilla is better, classic or ‘98, and in less than thirty seconds.

“This Godzilla guy is one tough dude.”

They did Hedorah dirty in this, but since he's made of pollution (or just eats it, whatever), I guess it's okay.

I was wondering when there was going to be a Matrix influence on one of these films.

What's better than seeing Gigan lose his head once? Seeing it happen twice.

24. Godzilla Against MechaGodzilla

This is a solid entry. Things move quickly, and this MechaGodzilla (for some reason they capitalize MechaGodzilla this way on Letterboxd for this film, so that’s why I’m using that form for this entry) design is pretty good.

Random Thoughts

These direct sequels to the original can be tricky as a lot of them take forever reintroducing G. Here, though, we start with an attack. That's how you do it.

I like that this MechaGodzilla is man made and the whole process is shown. I appreciate how quickly it was introduced in past films, but I always found it lazy that aliens just happened to show up with a giant robot. So glad aliens just showing up hasn't been a plot point in the last few of these. Hell, even Ghidorah wasn't from space in the last one.

Maybe next time just build a plain ol’ giant robot and don't add Godzilla DNA to it.

Very seriously considering buying one of those replica hats the JXSDF wear.

Oddly enough, this isn't the first Godzilla movie to feature a plant imbued with the soul of a dead lady.

25. Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S.

This is right there with Against MechaGodzilla for me. It's a direct sequel, so there's not a lot to say about it. Good stuff.

Random Thoughts

Damn it, the tiny twins are back.

That monster carcass looks an awful lot like Gamera…

I know it's not. But that would've been a funny little jab at my favorite rocket-powered giant turtle monster.

Honestly, if those synchronized talking fairies told me to throw away my giant robot, I'd tell them to kick rocks.

Wish they had stuck with the GMK design for G in these two movies. He looks a little goofy at times when he should be menacing.

26. Mothra vs. Godzilla

My most controversial Godzilla take is that I’m not that into Mothra. I’m slowly coming around, but for the most part I find the giant moth and the two tiny twins that accompany it to be kind of boring. 

Random Thoughts

Some good stuff here, especially with the insane but realistic decision to build a theme park around a giant monster egg.

My main issue is that I don't like Mothra, its stupid tiny singing twins, or its admittedly horrifying twin larva.

The fight was decent, but I watched this right after King Kong Vs. Godzilla, and it's just infinitely more enjoyable to watch Kong and Godzilla fight rather than Godzilla against a giant moth.

Oh, and I found it hilarious when they started dropping nets on the big guy.

27. Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II

Wait, at any point was I supposed to be rooting for the humans? Because I definitely wasn’t.

Random Thoughts

Seems silly to just now start putting numbers on these titles, even if it is a classy Roman numeral.

Between the ending of the last film and the beginning of Godzilla’s first fight with Mechagodzilla in this, I am sick of seeing Godzilla get his ass kicked.

Honestly, I prefer the design of the 1960s Minilla to this baby Godzilla, or whatever it is.

“Believe me, it’s very important that you find Godzilla’s ass-brain.”

The call sign for the helicopter transporting the baby G: Lizard One. Subtle.

28. Godzilla vs. Gigan

This has elements of Hedorah, but is lacking in comparison in every way. The fights are mostly lackluster, though I did like the inclusion of blood. The human story isn’t as interesting. And the villains are silly cockroaches from space. There are still hints at the story elements from Hedorah, with the roaches basically saying we’re all going to die because of pollution and nuclear weapons, so they might as well take over now, but that element of the story doesn’t get enough focus. Still, a silly good time that I would probably have liked a lot more if it hadn’t immediately followed Hedorah.

Random Thoughts

Definitely goofier, what with the silly comic book homework and strict mom monsters, and the dude using corn wrapped in foil as a fake gun.

So these guys want world peace and they’re financed by Switzerland? Sounds suspicious.

…and the monsters are talking in comic book talk bubbles. Whatever.

I do like the idea of an evil lair in the head of a Godzilla statue.

…and the bad guys are space cockroaches. Whatever.

Ghidorah’s heads are less floppy now, so that’s an improvement.

…and Gigan has a tablesaw chest? Whatever.

Gigan looks pretty silly, but he’s definitely unique.

The good thing about swinging wildly at Ghidorah is that you’re still likely to hit one of the three flailing heads with each punch.

Holy shit! Godzilla blood!

The humans’ plan involves a black and white sketch of themselves in front of boxes of TNT. I think I kind of love this movie.

29. Destroy All Monsters

Toho finally empties out their closet for a movie.

It's nice seeing all the monsters getting along, destroying the planet, even if it is only because they are being remote-controlled by an alien.

The final fight is worth the wait, but I was getting tired of the human story in this one. I wish it was sillier.

Random Thoughts

I like the idea of Monsterland. That way, you can just acknowledge all of the monsters without a prolonged reason for them waking up.

But the action is lacking at the beginning, just short clips. There's nothing truly entertaining until the end.

“Why haven't they attacked Tokyo?”

“That's what I'd like to know.”

Dude almost seems hurt by it. “Are we not good enough for you monsters anymore?”

You think they'd enjoy the break.

Was not expecting a gunshot to the head in this. The actor did a good job of making it a goofy headshot, at least.

Followed by an attempted suicide. Fun!

And now the military dude is upset that Tokyo is being attacked by more than one monster. Be careful what you wish for.

“All right, Mothra and Kumonga, we beat Ghidorah down, now you two jizz all over him.”

30. Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla

I should love this one with all the wild shit in it with SpaceGodzilla, Baby G, telekinesis, knockoff Mechagodzilla, etc. But I just thought it was okay. I’m definitely watching these too close together, as this is my third Godzilla movie today. I can still appreciate this, but I want to love some of ‘90s movies, not just like them.

Random Thoughts

Look, I know this is a series featuring dudes in monster suits fighting in miniature towns, but that clip from the space station that the American dude shows near the beginning is horrendous.

“Please just leave Godzilla alone.” Exactly.

My teeth aren’t perfect, but holy shit, the American dude’s teeth during the SpaceGodzilla meeting are sickening. Did they just find a drunk American in an alley somewhere for that scene?

“I can’t get along with that guy. All he talks about is Godzilla.” This is what I fear as I make my way through all of these.

31. Godzilla 1985

"Steve Martin, thanks for coming in! Please stand in this room while we contribute almost nothing to the proceedings. Also, could you walk past our prominent Dr. Pepper vending machine out in the hall? No? Okay we'll get someone else to do it. You just stand there and be foreboding.

32. Godzilla 2000: Millennium

This was just okay in so many ways. I get that they wanted to go back to classic Godzilla, and that stuff is great, but why go with that awful-looking UFO? It just all felt like a lazy retread just to wash the taste of the 1998 movie out of every fan's mouth. 

Random Thoughts

Godzilla 2000, or Godzilla: The Americans Really Shit the Bed with Their Version, so We Had to Churn Out This Back to the Basics Movie as Fast as Possible.

Adding 2000 to the title of a movie from this era was a hilarious fad. Dracula 2000, Blues Brothers 2000, Heavy Metal 2000, etc.

They went all out with G's plates in this one. That one in the middle is ridiculously massive.

Godzilla Vs. The Spaceship That Looks Like a Giant Piece of Shit.

“A visitor from outer space? My God, it's just too crazy to believe.”

“Right. Like Godzilla's normal.”

No shit. In a world in which Godzilla attacks seemingly every year, how is anything unbelievable?

33. Godzilla vs. Megalon

This was sillier than I wanted, but I still blame that on my love of Hedorah and just watching too many of these too close together.

But still, there's not enough Godzilla in this. And they just tacked on Gigan and even reused footage from that film. It all just felt like a lazy afterthought. If it wasn't for that ridiculous flying kick at the end, this would be bottom of the barrel for me.

Random Thoughts

I can’t think of a goofier way to get caught in an earthquake: riding a weird ass fish-themed water bike in the middle of a lake while my dad and his buddy watch, drinking three different kinds of soda.

This is one of the few on Max that is dubbed, and the kid’s dub is atrocious.

In this universe, the Easter Island statues are “over three million years old.”

These English dubs always pronounce “robot” as “robit.”

Also, there’s a dude with huge sideburns wearing a toga in a place called “Seatopia.” Not sure about this one…

I’m getting Aquaman vibes from this, which, for a dumbass like me, might be a good thing.

Dude is from a civilization that is millions of years old, yet he still loses his goddamn mind when he gets called “dumb.”

Aside from a brief scene before the opening credits, Godzilla is nowhere to be found over a half hour into this eighty minute movie. Why do some of these “Godzilla” films feel the need to hide him for most of the movie?

Before Indiana Jones survived a nuclear blast in a fridge, the inventor dude and his kid survived a Megalon toss in a storage container.

Megalon makes Jet Jaguar dizzy (which I didn’t think was possible for a robot), and laughs audibly about it. Stupid shit like this kind of makes me like this one.

It was cool to see G rip a tree out of the ground and use it as a weapon.

There’s some re-used footage from Gigan. Lame.

Godzilla shouldn’t run, at least not like that.

Yes, the flying kick is insanely silly. But, honestly, it’s in keeping with the tone of the film.

34. Godzilla (1998)

My expectations were in the gutter for this one, so imagine my surprise when it turned out to be okay. I skipped this because of bad word of mouth back when it came out, but I wish I had watched it back then. Fourteen-year-old me might've enjoyed this. Still, I somehow felt nostalgia for it just because of how ‘90s it was, and I love the disaster movies of that era, even if they are too long and stupid.

Anyway, as far as Godzilla is concerned, this isn't really a Godzilla movie; it's a dinosaur movie. Still fun, but Godzilla is essentially just a T. Rex with a distinct roar and superpowers. I can see why it's shit on in the Godzilla community, but honestly, I would watch this again over a lot of entries in the series.

Random Thoughts

Good to see G getting back to basics and just interrupting the fishing industry.

Hank Azaria gets called a “retard” and a “wop” by his girlfriend within two minutes. Who's the real monster here?

Broderick buys a disposable camera from a vending machine. I miss the ‘90s.

“What the hell is the matter with you people? You caused more damage than that goddamn thing did!” Comic relief mayor is right, that was some Team America-level collateral damage.

Did all these soldiers flunk out of Stormtrooper school or something? They have impossibly bad aim.

I just don't get why they made G a stealth monster. What makes him appear powerful is the ineffectiveness of man-made weapons against him, not his dodging skills.

All the French dudes are named Jean. I like it.

I saw a sign for Josta soda. I forgot that shit existed until just now. I remember trying one and not liking it back then, and it introduced me to Guarana, though I didn't know if that was supposed to be a good aspect of it.

Both this and the 2014 film are largely about destroying eggs. What is it about the American version of this character and eggs? In the 2014 version, at least, the eggs are destroyed and were clearly the product of monstrous, violent creatures. Here, the eggs hatch, and the mini Gs are killed in an air strike, making the main characters a bunch of baby killers. That's not fun. At least just have them abort the eggs. That doesn't sound all that much better. Okay. Just don't have eggs. Isn't Godzilla enough for American audiences?

Wait, Michael Lerner and his aide were meant to be a riff on Siskel and Ebert the whole time? I guess that shows how much attention I gave this one.

35. Godzilla vs. Megaguirus

I'm no scientist, but the black hole stuff in this sounds kind of fucking stupid. Anyway, this was a bit of a slog, but at least they were trying a few new things here. Still, the fight was a little underwhelming, and there was too much focus on the ridiculous black hole weapon.

Random Thoughts

I like the alternate history beginning. I'm surprised more of these don't start that way. It was refreshing to actually have them acknowledge the destruction of each attack.

G still has them bitchin’ plates from 2000.

What a title.

G-Grasper sounds like the name of a claw game filled with Godzilla plushies.

“But you’re a woman, so how come you’re fighting Godzilla?” That’s some sexism I can’t even wrap my brain around. “Stop fighting Godzilla and get back in the kitchen where you belong!”

But this is coming from a series that had Godzilla laying eggs and still insisted he was a dude. Which is so sexist that it is now kind of progressive, I think.

Headphone guy’s death might be the gnarliest human death in the series so far.

Some of the CG works here, but too much of it is just awful. Bad CG sticks out even more in a movie in which they’re still using miniatures for other things.

Still, this is the most ambitious Godzilla movie in a while. Not with G himself, but with the underwater scenes, and having a character straight up hop onto him to shoot a tracker bullet.

I am not a fan of the dragonfly stuff.

I think it gets glossed over a little too quickly that they've developed the technology to create black holes and shoot them at stuff.

That is the most abrupt freeze frame to end a movie I've ever seen.

So abrupt, that I watched the credits, assuming there was more, and there was: a short scene with the kid at school. He hears Godzilla return and it ends on another abrupt freeze frame.

36. Godzilla, King of the Monsters!

You can tell Raymond Burr enjoys saying, "Sayonara!"

Aside from that, this is just an amusing American version of the original. Having just watched the original, it was funny to see Burr added into a lot of the scenes. It was like, "Oh yeah, this random American dude was here, too!"

And I know they couldn't have known, but it's funny that his name is Steve Martin.

37. Godzilla (1977)

Worth watching only for the novelty of it. The opening credits alone are hilarious as it acknowledges the film is based on the original Japanese film and the American re-edit, with some real footage spliced in along with an attempt at adding color. Wild.

38. Godzilla Raids Again

There's a moment when Godzilla gets distracted by flares. Eight minutes of whatever happens, and it cuts back to him, still distracted. I would have given this five stars if they had had the balls to stay on Godzilla for the full eight minutes, just standing there like a stupid dildo staring at flares.

39. All Monsters Attack

Basically a short film about a kid learning to fight back against bullies by dreaming of monsters padded out to (barely) feature length by the inclusion of monster footage from previous films. Definitely a lesser entry in the series, but not the complete shitshow I was expecting.

40. Gigantis, the Fire Monster

The original Japanese version is one of my least favorite in the series. This Americanized version didn't improve things. Still better than the anime trilogy.

41. Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters

Look, this isn't for me. I want live action Godzilla, and I'm only watching these to be a completionist. That written, this was decent. I dig the premise, and the big man is pretty badass in this. And the bigger man looks like he'll be an even bigger badass in the next one.

But I'd still rather watch a dude in a rubber suit smack a giant lobster around than this.

42. Godzilla: City of the Edge of Battle

Normally, I want Godzilla to win because I like to see monster destruction and shit. In this, I wanted him to win so everyone would shut the fuck up.

43. Godzilla: The Planet Eater

Why would you go the animated route to attempt to make the most philosophical and religious story in the franchise? Animation frees you up to have the craziest, most ambitious action in the series and you waste it on this angsty, talky bullshit that has Godzilla mainly just stand there the whole time? Fuck you. (Do you see why I didn’t want to start my list with these three?)