Fatal Flying Guillotine - Visual Vengeance

Thanks to Visual Vengeance, my martial arts movie education continues with Fatal Flying Guillotine (available for pre-order now). Apparently, the use of this weapon in martial arts films was a “craze” in the 1970s, but this is the first cinematic encounter for me, and I had a lot of fun with this one, even if I had no idea what was going on.

Due to bad translating or editing or both, I couldn’t figure out the particulars of the plot. It was clear that the old dude with the titular guillotines was the bad guy, and he had abandoned his family years ago because he needed to go to a magical valley to heal his heart from exercising too much (I swear that’s what the subtitles said). There’s also a book of medicine (and a forgery), and there’s a prince. I don’t know.

What I do know is that every couple minutes there are huge fights with great choreography and the sound effects I’ve come to expect from such a film. More importantly, Nearly everyone who dies in this film does so without their head, which means the title pays off.

As for the guillotines themselves, at first I found them to look silly as shit. They’re like big bells with a bunch of blades all over and inside them. Don’t get me wrong, I would be killed instantly by someone wielding these wacky things, but I would probably giggle right before it happened. The physics of the weapons are gravity-defying, but I dug the horror element of it. They seem to kind of operate on their own, chasing down dudes to decapitate. 

Beyond that, this was simply a fun curiosity for me. 

Transfer and Special Features

Aside from a few janky shots, this looks great, especially for what it is. And if you dig the jank, there’s a “dirty VHS” version of the film that lives up to its name. I only checked out a little bit of that one, but it’s also seven minutes longer, so true fans will get even more from that cut.

There’s a commentary with a podcaster if you’re into that sort of thing, but all I needed was the featurette with the aforementioned podcaster about the history of the flying guillotine in film. So I’m sure the commentary is filled with encyclopedic knowledge of the genre.

There’s also a visual essay, an archival interview with one of the actors, and a martial arts demonstration. 

It has Chinese and English-dubbed audio. 

The packaging is a big selling point, as the new art for the slipcover is awesome, and there’s a reversible cover for the case featuring the original artwork. 

Also included are some art cards, the usual Visual Vengeance VHS-style stickers, a mini-poster, and a booklet with essays. 

In other words, all the great stuff you’ve come to expect from Visual Vengeance. They love these old films, and it shows. 

Buddy - The New Movie from the Too Many Cooks Guy

Buddy is the latest fever dream from writer/director Casper Kelly (co-written by Jamie King), the creator of the viral Too Many Cooks short and the delightfully unhinged Adult Swim Yule Log movies. He takes the premise of a Barney-type ‘90s kids show and turns into an equal parts horror comedy. If you’re into any of his previous work, this will work on you. But a few factors remain: the baggage you bring to it, and if it warrants the run time.

The film is very similar to Too Many Cooks in that it takes a stereotypical ‘90s TV show and immediately adds a menacing quality to it. In Too Many Cooks, the endless title sequence starts off amusing but quickly becomes a banal hellscape that switches genres and features a machete-wielding killer. Everyone seems trapped inside this false feel-good scenario. And so too are the characters in Buddy.

Buddy is a kind of hybrid Barney and Pee-wee’s Playhouse with anthropomorphic animals, objects, and furniture coupled with human characters like children, a nurse, and a mailman. It seems normal and awful enough at first with songs and bland lessons. But things take a dark turn quickly when one of the children just wants to be left alone. 

I’ll leave it at that, as you can guess that things get darker and darker from there. At first glance, this might seem a bit one-note and deserving of just another short film instead of a feature. While I did find it a bit too long (I just think films like this should keep things under ninety minutes while this clocks in at ninety-five [like I said, just a bit too long]), it keeps changing things up and adding such unexpected elements that it felt compelling throughout. 

The dark humor and left-field moments are the main draw here, with some amazing child acting and voice-work. Patton Oswalt was born to voice a backpack, Keegan-Michael Key is doing his best evil Barney impression, and Michael Shannon is perfect as a cowboy puppet. Little moments like the other characters reacting to shocking violence had me laughing throughout. But I was expecting that from the premise. 

What surprised me about Barney is how truly unsettling it was. This is where the personal baggage comes into play. Becoming a parent has turned me into a basic bitch when it comes to certain elements in movies, and while I’ve tried to get over that (manipulating parents for emotional effect is practically a sub-genre thanks to Pixar), every now and then it gets to me. Seeing children near the age of my own in peril is certainly disturbing. This might sound weird, but it’s not the violence happening to them, it’s the abject fear they are in for large portions of the film. 

In most horror films, the characters are so underdeveloped that I don’t care what happens to them and often we’re meant to root for their demise. With Buddy, however, I just wanted to see these kids get to safety. A lot of this has to do with the great performances of the children both as fake happy participants of the show and as frightened prisoners. Delaney Quinn (who voiced the child in last year’s If I Had Legs I’d Kick You) is the stand-out, but there isn’t a weak performance here. 

Cristin Milioti rounds out the cast, and my anxiety, as Grace, a mother of one of the children. The film, thankfully, doesn’t dwell on her feeling like something is missing in the real world and gets her to the Buddy world quickly enough. Her scenes recognizing her daughter and fighting to protect her are the most emotionally charged moments for me. That aspect of the film stuck with me in a film I expected to be an overlong gimmick. 

There’s obviously a heavy dose of satire in Buddy, primarily focusing on the odd dynamic of Barney in the ‘90s. Why did this purple dinosaur need these children to love him? Why was he even around these kids? But the satire goes beyond the obvious and gets more into losing children to any kind of media. It’s not preachy or anything, but it’s easy to see a parallel with modern screen time. It doesn’t seem like the film is condemning all technology or anything. It’s more of a message of what happens when children are encouraged to develop emotional ties to the things and/or people they are watching. 

Once again, this depends on your own baggage. For me, I constantly worry about my children and how much screen time we allow them. For sure, it’s too much, and I feel guilty about it, and this film brought that to mind. Thankfully, I’ve never dealt with any of my children claiming to love Mickey Mouse or anything like that. Sure, they’ve had their favorite shows and now YouTubers, but they’ve never claimed to love any of them, and I don’t feel like I’m losing them to some digital hellscape that I will one day need to rescue them from. Buddy brings to mind that modern parenting battle, though, without making it the “message” or any other such nonsense. 

Buddy may have been more disturbing than I expected, but it was also entertaining throughout. The gore, the jokes, the voicework, the perfectly nailed aesthetic of the period, it all makes for a movie worthy of feature length. Just beware, because for some viewers it might invoke some Barney-like terror inside you between laughs.

Random Thoughts (SPOILERS)

I’m not one to usually wish for a prequel or short exploring the history of a character in a show or movie, but I would love to see the full story of Clint Howard and Michael Shannon, love scenes and all.

I get that Buddy had to fully change into a bigger menace at some point, but I wasn’t crazy about the demonic unicorn form. Though I appreciate that it was foreshadowed by a videogame poster on the wall of Milioti’s bedroom after she disappeared and it became single-dad Topher Grace’s room.

Speaking of Milioti, she wears a football jersey t-shirt to bed in one of her scenes that has Miami Dolphins colors and the number five. I can’t find any evidence to back this up, but this has to be a reference to Ray Finkle from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, the villain of that film who wore number five for the Dolphins. I would love to eventually get some kind of confirmation of this. Hopefully there’s an interview or commentary track in the future that will explain the wardrobe choice.

 

Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma

Writer/director Jane Schoenbrun’s first two films, especially I Saw the TV Glow, focus on identity with characters feeling trapped. Because of this, I appreciated the films but found them unpleasant to watch, which I believe was the point. It appears that Schoenbrun has moved on thematically a bit, as their new film, Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma, is about…a lot. But, most importantly, it’s a fun watch and re-watch. 

Miasma is about a “zombie IP” franchise akin to Friday the 13th being rebooted by queer filmmaker Kris (Hannah Einbinder), who thinks casting the reclusive star of the original film (Gillian Anderson) is the key to the success of the project. Beyond that, it’s about franchises, product placement, sexual awakening, Hollywood politics, slasher movies, etc. It’s a little all over the place, but the overall takeaway is a love letter to slasher films that also satirizes them but attempts to understand their allure. 

That exploration is what appealed to me the most. In the film, it’s tied to a sexual awakening as a character fantasizes about being both the victim and the perpetrator. And there’s a simplicity to that answer that unlocks the entire genre. Fans of slasher films aren’t scared of them (which is why I always find it annoying when fans complain about new movies not being “scary,” as I’ve already seen a few people comment about this film); how could they be? The genre is so overdone it’s impossible to make one that creates real fear. Instead, they lean into voyeurism by having portions (or whole films as in In a Violent Nature) take place from the killer’s perspective. These are films that encourage you to root for good kills, so it’s nice to have a film that asks why that is. 

As stated in the film, this might sound too “academic,” but I swear this film isn’t some visual essay on slasher movies. It’s primarily about Einbinder’s journey, but along the way we get slasher set pieces and great needle drops and biting, and often goofy, humor.

The humor is what works the most and least for me. I loved the product placement jokes (I imagine the “dipping sauces” scene will be a love it or hate it moment for most), but the ultraviolent moments with CG bloodshed were too silly for me. That is the point, I’m sure, but a giant CG blood geyser is going to take me out of a movie every time, whether it's ironic or not. 

Beyond that, it’s difficult to truly get into what I loved about this film without spoilers, so I’ll finish up with this: Einbinder and Anderson are great. And as a fan of Friday the 13th, I enjoyed all the Easter eggs and references to that and other classic series. The opening credits showcase the VHS copies of the franchise, and that’s who this movie is for: people who grew up watching and re-watching (and still do) slasher franchises. When I finished watching this the first time, I immediately watched it again. I can’t think of higher praise for a film like this, and for Schoenbrun, it has me very excited for where their career goes from here.

Random Thoughts (SPOILERS)

Once you accept that the whole movie is a movie, it becomes more enjoyable. At least it was for me. I know that sounds stupid: the movie is a movie. But what I mean is this is the movie Kris is talking about making, opening credits and all. There is no moment that takes place in the “real world.” Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s how I viewed the film, and that’s what unlocked my enjoyment of it.

At first, the KFC scene and all the candy felt too silly to me. But when you take into account that every second of this is the actual movie/reboot/reimagining/legacyquel, then it all adds up as simple product placement. How else to explain the cut to Starburst, Skittles, and Rolos at the beginning of the “dipping sauce” moment? 

It also serves as social commentary (because of course it does). We’re still a relatively repressed society sexually, but we’ve been corporately encouraged for decades to indulge in junk food. If we can accept so many types of gummies, then why can’t we accept multiple genders and sexualities and identities?

The hotel at the beginning is undergrowing a re-brand as a Hilton. The constant product placement is great, and I’m sure it worked out in a Ricky Bobby kind of way to help finance the film.

The look of Little Death is kind of brilliant. It’s silly and a little creepy at the same time. And a slasher taking on an air vent that one could conceivably be staring at from bed (which is where Schoenbrun has said the idea came from) is the perfect visual for a film largely about sex.

I dig all the intentionally obvious matte paintings throughout.

The opening credits are fantastic, especially as a slasher fan, noticing titles that are straight up taken from Friday the 13th. Even though Jason exists in this world, Camp Miasma also “took” Manhattan. At first, I found that a little lazy (the Miasma videogame is also very similar to the Jason NES game) because it doesn’t make sense that both franchises would do the exact same thing. But, overthinking things again (which this movie both encourages and discourages), it can be seen as funny that the studios became that artistically bankrupt. Or this is an alternate reality in which Miasma was so popular that it ended the Jason series, allowing Miasma to now make all those glorious missteps, like going to outer space.

An early sign that it’s the movie from the beginning is the snowball fight the kids are having at the gas station. First off, why the fuck are there a bunch of kids at this gas station? Second, and more importantly, since when do snowballs bounce?

I’m starting to sound like a broken record, but another thing I initially didn’t love was the recreation of the original film. There were little things off at first, like the appearance of an HD camera and the punk character seeming to be workshopping lines. And then the big swing happens with the “Long December” sequence with cuts back and forth between old school POV shots and pan outs to modern CG gore. But this, much like the Buffy-type show from I Saw the TV Glow, is about how the character sees the original film more than what the actual film was like. This is evident when the radio breaks and Kris snaps out of the experience; the film playing on the screen is nothing like what we just saw. It looks like shit and has an ‘80s slasher theme for the score. I still don’t like the CG gore, however, even though it’s intentionally cartoonish. 

“I start off the movie as myself.”

That Zoom call is so goddamned unbearable. The one fucking dude explaining the joke of Michael Myers and Mike Myers having the same name is great.

Not that I refer to this film ever, but if I ever do in the future, it will always and forever be “New Nightmare by fright master Wes Craven.”

So Little Death has to rewind the new tape, I guess. Kind of a dick move for it to show up like that. Is there a little fleshy rewinder machine down there in his weird Videodrome lair?

Good to see some of my favorite podcast guests (Zach Cherry and Sarah Sherman) show up to get murdered.

Was Dylan Baker only available for the Zoom call? I was hoping to see him get killed, too.

Nice to see Patrick Fischler and Kevin MacDonald in a post-credits scene.

I’m sure some people will dislike this for not being enough like a slasher movie or not making enough fun of slasher movies or not being focused enough. I get it, and I can't argue with anyone not enjoying this. But something resonated with me with this film, and I foresee myself revisiting many times in the future.

I feel like I’m missing a million things to write about here, but I have to stop at some point.

New York, New York - MVD 4K

Blank Check with Griffin & David is covering Martin Scorsese’s entire filmography, and the MVD Marquee Collection coincidently puts out this new 4K of New York, New York, a true Scorsese blindspot for me. New York is a film I forgot even existed. Once this one arrived in the mail, I thought, “Oh yeah, that terrible musical flop he made.” That’s a bit reductive, and wrong, but I imagine others feel the same way about this film.

First off, this isn’t a musical. Yes, there is a lot of music in it, and there is a full on musical segment near the end, but it’s not as if characters are walking around singing the plot. I’m not a fan of musicals, so it relieved me when it turned out to be a film about musicians rather than a musical. But it is Scorsese’s tribute to the classic MGM musicals of the 1940s and ‘50s that he grew up on. And that’s the most enjoyable element. 

This is a film clearly filmed on giant sets with tons of extras and choreography. Plenty of scenes look comically fake, but that’s the intention. I loved the look of the film in its intended 1.66:1 ratio and the softness of the film grain showcased in 4K. It truly feels like a film from another time. I can see why it was dismissed at the time, but looking at it now, I appreciate the homage to the period. And of course anything Scorsese shoots is going to be visually interesting. My favorite segment from a visual standpoint has to be the club scene in which they discuss Liza Minnelli’s contract and Robert De Niro ends up getting kicked out. It all looks great already, but then De Niro gets shoved into this tunnel of light bulbs, and you can appreciate the entire film.

To go to that extreme for a simple scene of a drunken De Niro getting tossed out of a club requires a kind of maniac, and coked-up 1970s Martin Scorsese was indeed that coked-up maniac (the failure of this film coupled with his drug use nearly ruined him). 

New York, New York is simply one of those rare films in which a filmmaker is able to cash in on the success of his previous film (in this case Taxi Driver), and he takes that leverage and goes all in on a passion project (which is why Scorsese is the perfect fit for a Blank Check series). Of course, any passion project is not going to be without fault.

I found the run time of 164 minutes to be excessive, partly because De Niro plays such a piece of shit in this. It’s tough to see him be a complete asshole for the fiftieth time when you’re already over two hours in. But Minnelli’s sympathetic performance helps balance it a bit. Still, it’s a slog at times. 

Despite my quibbles with the film, I’m glad I finally got to check it out, in a new 4K transfer, no less. Any Scorsese fan should check it out, too.

Transfer and Special Features

I already mentioned the transfer above, but I’ll just reiterate that this isn’t one of those brilliantly sharp transfers. Instead, it’s one that captures the original vision of the film, which is necessarily on the soft side. 

The special features are all ported over from the previous blu-ray release. There’s an introduction from Scorsese, a commentary, a making-of doc, a featurette on Minnelli, and (somehow) deleted scenes. 

The included blu-ray disc also contains the shorter International Version of the film. 

And there is a slipcover and a reversible sleeve for the case. 

In all honesty, I didn’t check out many of the special features because I was kind of exhausted by the film, but I imagine any true fan of the film will want to check them out.

Death Warrant - MVD Rewind 4K

 

Death Warrant is a film I’ve written about before, but when MVD Rewind releases a new 4K (out now) of any Van Damme movie, I’m going to write another article. That first article I wrote almost exactly seven years ago is certainly my deep dive into the film, so check that out if you’re interested. This is going to be much more brief. 

In Death Warrant, Van Damme plays a Canadian Mountie detective (why not?) who tracks a serial killer known as the Sandman to Los Angeles. Sixteen months (why not?) after taking out the Sandman, a task force in LA wants Van Damme to go undercover in a prison to help uncover why so many mysterious deaths have been happening (...why not?). 

As you can tell from my parentheticals, I had a few issues with the plot of this one. I still love this movie, and it’s one of my favorite unsung Van Damme movies. But this film feels like it’s missing a half hour of plot. There’s still a lot of fun to be had with this, and the prison elements are wonderfully brutal, but I wanted to focus on some plot points, or lack thereof, this time around. 

First, I’m not sure a Mountie is allowed to come down to America and take over a homicide case. Yes, they tell him to wait for back up, but how was he down here doing anything in an official capacity? And what exactly is the Canadian connection with the Sandman? So many questions. 

Anyway, Van Damme shoots the Sandman plenty of times, then it cuts to sixteen months later, and he’s back in LA. But when did he go back to Canada? Were they just okay with him ignoring the order to wait for backup? And since we later find out the Sandman survived, was Van Damme not involved in the trial at all? He returns to the precinct a hero, getting high-fives and whatnot. So it seems like everyone is fine with him, and they inexplicably ask Van Damme to go undercover in prison for a task force. Let’s ignore the insane coincidence that the governor would task the mastermind of the murders with solving the problem. The bigger question is why Van Damme would agree to do this so quickly. 

This bothered me so much this time around because it could have been so easily fixed. I see two ways to fix this. First, have Van Damme be in trouble with the local police for overstepping. They can say something about how he got in trouble with both the LAPD and the Mounties for this personal vendetta, and that going undercover for them could make those problems go away. Or, they could reveal that the Sandman is still alive and in that particular prison, then Van Damme has the motivation to go in there and finish the job. Hell, get rid of the silly subplot with the task force being in on the murders and just make it all the Sandman’s doings. 

Despite my issues with the general premise, once Van Damme is in prison I don’t care anymore. He’s in there roundhouse-kicking dudes in the lunch line, threatening to make Larry Hankin drink piss, etc. It’s a good time, and the supporting cast is fantastic. They truly do a great job creating the world of the prison, and while the plot bogs things down from time to time, none of that matters by the time the Sandman reappears for the final battle.

Transfer and Special Features

MVD Rewind loves Van Damme as much as I do, and the transfer shows that. This looks great, and the 4K brings out every grimy detail of the prison and its inmates. 

There are all the usual physical bonuses of an MVD release. There’s the slipcover, the reversible sleeve for the case if you’re into the faux-distressed look, and a mini-poster.

As for the special features, everything is ported over from a blu-ray release from a few years ago. I somehow missed that release entirely, so the interviews with Art LaFleur, Patrick Kilpatrick, and Cynthia Gibb were new to me, as was the commentary from director Deran Sarafian. It’s all decent, and any fan of the film should check it out.

Overall, as with any JCVD MVD release, this is the definitive version of the film to own, and I’m glad to have it as part of my collection.

Spider-Man: Brand New Day

Spider-Man: Brand New Day has a lot on its plate. It has to follow the excellent and crowd-pleasing Spider-Man mashup No Way Home, and it’s the last movie before Avengers: Doomsday releases this December. Plus, it still has to be a standalone Spider-Man story while also allowing time for the Punisher, the Hulk, and other characters to drop in. It all sounds pretty messy, and it is, but it’s also the most entertaining Tom Holland Spider-Man movie.

Brand New Day is meant to be a darker entry in the series after all the losses Peter Parker suffered in No Way Home: the death of Aunt May and the Dr. Strange spell that made the entire world, most notably his girlfriend MJ and best friend Ned, forget about him. Spider-Man and dark don’t exactly go together (see the hilarious Tobey Maguire “edgy” montage in Spider-Man 3) since the character is typically the most light-hearted in the MCU. So this is easily the most dour of the four films, but there’s still plenty of goofiness. 

It’s not really a dark movie so much as a lonely one. Peter has nothing but his work as Spider-Man. The only socialization he gets is talking to a police captain and stalking his former friends on social media. Aside from that, he leads a hermetic life in a small apartment, completely consumed with crime-fighting. But he’s still joking around while he does it. 

The early montage of Spidey fighting various deep-cut comic book villains while recreating classic covers is one of my favorite parts of the film. The Iron Man, Jr. suit is gone, and he is on his own. This is what I’ve wanted from these movies. The first three films kept Peter so busy and connected to other movies that he never seemed to find time to just be Spider-Man. Brand New Day gives him that chance…for a little bit. 

I don’t want to get into spoilers and summarizing the plots of MCU movies is as boring to write as it is to read, so I’ll just skip all that. The important thing is that Spider-Man is not on his own in this movie. He has a conflicted relationship with Jon Bernthal’s Punisher (a toned down PG-13 version of the character), Mark Ruffalo’s Hulk, and a few other surprise characters meant to set up Doomsday a bit. 

Normally, the inclusion of all those characters as well as a subplot about Peter’s “arachnid hormones” overtaking his human hormones would make this far too messy of a movie to enjoy. But it worked for me for a couple reasons. First, I don’t think the Punisher or the Hulk are interesting enough characters to warrant their own movie, so I’m happy to get these small doses of the characters. And there’s an action sequence in the middle of the film featuring all three characters that will make any comic book fan feel like a little kid. Second, the action and general look of this film is a huge improvement for the series.

I like the first three films in this run, but I honestly don’t find the action all that memorable. It’s not bad; it’s just serviceable. In Brand New Day there are multiple sequences that I am excited to revisit as soon as I can. And the POV web-swinging sequences look amazing. 

Brand New Day is definitely one of those movies that falls apart a bit under scrutiny. But when a comic book movie can deliver enough fun action and engaging characters, then I’m not going to start nitpicking it. But I get it if others feel differently. 

I’ve become lenient with comic book movies, especially since a couple of my kids have started watching them with me. So when a movie like this (that clocks in at nearly two and a half hours) keeps them interested, then it gets a pass from me. And I’ve made my peace with the fact that Marvel hit a high point not likely to be reached again with Endgame. I hope Doomsday is amazing, but it’s not going to be a big deal to me if it isn’t. I’m still going to watch these as long as my kids want to, and hopefully they are all as fun as Brand New Day. 

Random Thoughts (SPOILERS)

Okay, so the Jean Grey stuff. I didn’t mind her being the “villain,” although it just sets up so many more questions for how the X-Men fit into everything going forward since they’re re-casting some roles but having the original actors for others. I’m just assuming it will all be explained at a later date. 

The biggest issue I had with the film was the arachnid hormone stuff. I’m okay with him developing the Tobey Maguire ability to jizz out his own wrist goo, but it just seemed a little tacked on. So he’s getting burnt out which makes him more of a spider? Once again, hopefully this is explored more later since he stops using the inhibitor chip at the end.

I guess I need to watch the Punisher short film and the Daredevil show now. Though I’m reading some complaints about Punisher in this being different from the TV-MA version. I guess I’ll see, but I really enjoyed Bernthal in this. Easily the funniest moments in the movie featured these two bickering at each other. 

Some have pointed out that it makes no sense that Frank would just be hanging out at the hospital at the end, and I honestly didn’t think about that at the moment (more on that later). I did wonder what people thought about him being there since he was the one, you know, who shot Peter. But apparently there was a cameo shot and cut featuring Rosario Dawson’s nurse character that explained how he came to be there. Who knows? But there was some quote from Holland (I’m not linking to any of this, so feel free to Google it to confirm or deny) about an edit of the film that he hated, and I’m wondering how much shit was cut from this. 

I was just on board for this movie all the way, which is why I didn’t think much about Frank hanging out at the hospital. Perhaps that’s the wrong way to watch these movies, but it is what it is. When it comes to comic book movies these days, if they are even mildly entertaining to me or my kids, I kind of give them a pass. Not very critical of me, I know, but I’m not exactly writing for the New York Times here. I’m writing for the few dozen weirdos who end up on this page after Googling something very specific I wrote about in my Random Thoughts section.

There was one scene that is a pet peeve of mine with the MCU. One of the worst moments in the MCU happens in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. There is a fight happening and one of the antagonists almost kills someone, and they all stop, and act like, “Whoa, what happened there? You hurt somebody!” Of course they did! Aren't these characters trying to kill each other? Or is it all just for fun? Anyway, when full arachnid Peter fights a Jean Grey-controlled Scorpion (yeah, this movie might have too much going on), he goes too far beating the shit out of him and wrecks a cop car, hurting the officer. It's seen as a horrific moment, but I'm pretty sure there must have been instances of this during the tank chase earlier in the film, but no one cared. Plus, it's okay to beat Scorpion's ass, but just not too badly? What's the line?

Glad to see full Hulk back in action. I'm not a fan of the half-Hulk thing they've been doing. Speaking of Hulk, they just left him high and dry in this. No follow-up to maybe get him out of jail or anything? The film just used him up and tossed him aside.

So glad the suit is just a normal suit. The first films just made him another version of Iron Man. He's still using the assistant shit, and I guess he's spying on the entire fucking city, but at least he looks normal again.

So he doesn't have Stark's suits anymore, but did he get some money from him? How is he affording anything? Did I miss the explanation for that in this or the last film?

I assumed the recurring Staten Island joke with Frank was a reference to something from one of the shows, but it’s not. It's just them letting us know they've had plenty of other interactions.

I know Peter is supposed to be a little naive and whatnot, but seriously, his Spidey sense never went off when meeting with the clearly evil head of Damage Control?

By the way, I've read very few comics, so I am no authority on what a Spider-Man “should” be. I just know what I like.

I like the Raimi version, and this is the closest the Holland movies have gotten to Raimi, for better or worse.

I saw that Bero front and center in the convenience store, Holland. Get your advertising in for your near beer. I was worried for a second that they were going to have him buy some, but it was just simple shameless product placement.

That shot of Spider-Man dragging Punisher as he shoots at the Hulk just makes me forget any nagging questions about this movie.

I didn't stay for the end credits scene (I just watched it on YouTube so I didn't have to make my kids sit through the credits). Apparently it sets up Secret Wars. Now I feel like I need to read some comics. Hopefully that feeling passes; I already do too much dorky shit.

Son of Sara - Gruesome Gore and Ground Beef

Son of Sara, available streaming now, deals with some familiar horror territory with just enough flourishes and oddities to make it worth checking out. That may sound like faint praise, but the horror genre is probably the most overloaded with low-budget cash grabs, so when an actually interesting low budget film comes along, it’s worth taking note.

The story is nothing ground-breaking as it deals with a young pregnant woman dealing with a possibly Satanic pregnancy. That may sound like a spoiler, but Son of Sara doesn’t waste time or insult your intelligence by dragging things out. If the cold open of a gory murder of a woman giving birth wasn’t enough to tip you off to some wild shit about to go down, the titular Sara is snarfing down some truly vile-looking raw ground beef within the first few minutes. 

Honestly, the plot of the film is the weakest element since any horror fan has seen it before and will see it again. Sara’s pregnancy gets weirder, and it turns out the guy who knocked her up comes from a family that has been dealing with fucked up pregnancies for generations, and of course they have a creepy farmhouse, and of course Sara goes there despite the fifty or so red flags. 

But none of that matters all that much when it comes to horror. What matters, at least to me, is the effectiveness and mood of the film. In that regard, writer/director Houston Bone (excellent horror director name), shows plenty of promise. He does what he can with the limited budget as far as locations and whatnot with the farmhouse making up for the clearly-not-a-bar bar set. But it’s the sound design of the film that worked on me the most. The refreshingly practical gore (honestly, if this had used a bunch of CG blood, I probably wouldn’t even write about this film at all) is nice, but the sickening spurts and whatnot are great. Even better are the eating sounds during the disgusting ground beef scene and the subsequent stomach noises later. The sound of this film had a visceral effect on me, and that can’t be said about most horror.

That written, a short run time (under ninety minutes) and gurgly gore don’t make for an automatic classic. Some of the odds and ends added to the film make it a tad more interesting, but no amount of queerness or incest can overcome such a tired storyline. Though the ending does give some promise, especially with it claiming to be “Volume One.” But I’ll have to get into spoilers for that. 

SPOILERS

So Sara has Satan’s baby and the incest family get satisfyingly killed by a glorious demon baby throat rip and a pitchfork right in the ass. And then Sara and her partner are left with a clearly demonic baby. This is no Damien. It’s a wonderfully practical devil baby. And they love the thing. The film ends with them happily walking out of the farmhouse. Who knows what happens next? Which is why I’m much more interested in what Volume Two might be than what Volume One was. How do you raise such a baby? There’s no explaining away those horns and bloodlust. How will that work? Hopefully, Bone gets a chance to show us. For now, we have this promising start.