End of Days - Y2K and Satan

No real reason to write about End of Days. I guess it’s because I watched the Netflix documentary on Arnold the other day, and this is also on Netflix. I also wanted to see if I thought this sucked as much as I did when I saw it in the theater. So here are my thoughts on End of Days, a true time capsule of a movie.

You Don’t Have to Like Everything

Growing up loving movies, I used to lie to myself and think that everything I saw in the theater was good. It was just too disappointing to my young brain to imagine that I made a special trip to the theater to see a shitty movie. Two movies finally broke me of this: Mission: Impossible 2 and End of Days. End of Days came out first, so I think it laid the groundwork for me to be disappointed with M:I 2. 

End of Days came out when I was fifteen, and I was slowly becoming more critical about movies. Before this, I just loved everything that I chose to watch. For example, I even thought I liked Arnold’s previous movie, Batman and Robin. I was too blind to see just how bad things had become for one of my favorite action stars. Aside from “liking” Batman and Robin, I simply skipped the movies I subconsciously knew I wouldn’t like, such as Junior, Eraser, and Jingle All the Way. As far as I was concerned, Arnold went from True Lies to Mr. Freeze. 

By the time End of Days came out, though, I knew something was wrong. A couple years had passed since Batman and Robin came out, and I started to understand that that movie actually sucked. So I knew End of Days was a comeback of sorts for Arnold. I found out years later that it was a legitimate comeback as it was his first movie after having heart surgery. Either way, this R-rated movie about Satan and the end of the world looked cool as shit compared to the childish shit Arnold had been making throughout the late ‘90s.

It finally comes out, and it’s okay. Arnold seems fine, but this isn’t his type of movie. I knew something was wrong when I liked Gabriel Byrne more than Arnold in it (to be fair, Byrne’s role is much more fun than Arnold’s). The dark aesthetic and apocalyptic story was just too late at that point. The movie was clearly ripping off Se7en and The Devil’s Advocate. End of Days had the look and mood of those films, but none of the energy or freshness. 

End of Days didn’t end Arnold’s career or anything (politics did that soon after), but it marked the end of an era for me. I finally admitted that my favorite actors could make some mediocre shit. This seems obvious now, but for a teenager who loved movies more than anything it was a real fucking bummer. Because of that, I initially reacted very negatively to this movie. Now that the original disappointment had worn off, I wondered if this movie was really all that bad.

Yeah, it is bad. I don’t hate it, but this isn’t something I plan on ever watching again. It’s too dark, literally and figuratively, and I want some fun with my Arnold movies. There’s no fun to be had here, even with Kevin Pollak being a smartass throughout. I appreciate the grimy production value of the movie, but overall it just takes itself way too seriously and makes very little sense when you try to understand the entire plot.

But the passage of time has improved my opinion of End of Days in one way: nostalgia. But not for Arnold; for Y2K.

Y2K

The Y2K scare was a real fear for me at the time. I wasn’t concerned with the computer glitch issue as much as I was afraid the world was going to end. It seems stupid now, but back then I worried about the world ending way more than I should have. It didn’t help that movies like this existed to remind me about it.

Now Y2K is a joke, and rightfully so. And that makes this movie unintentionally funny at times. A big point of the plot is the fact that the millennium is ending. And according to the Bible (in this movie, at least) that means Satan is going to walk the Earth, try to bang a lady, and then the world will end. 

My Y2K fear didn’t involve Satan fucking anyone. I just thought earthquakes and whatnot would end all life. Still, it’s funny to see the general Y2K fear front and center in a movie. Movies date themselves all the time with technology and style and whatnot, but it’s a bit rare for a non-period piece movie to be so concerned with the year it takes place. Not only is the central plot of the movie about the millennium ending, but it’s also in the background throughout the movie, on posters and being discussed on the radio. 

Another movie from this time period involved Y2K: Office Space. But in that movie, it was just part of the main character’s job, and it was so boring that he stopped himself from explaining it to another character because it didn’t matter. And that’s how Y2K really played out. Some programmers had to work on some software, and then nothing happened. Because of that, Office Space doesn’t really take me back to that time period. But End of Days does. 

The focus on Y2K was the most enjoyable aspect of my rewatch. End of Days may have been a disappointment at the time, and it marked the end of an era in my movie watching. But now it reminds me of a specific fear that gripped me for a short time in a way that no other movie can. And it’s also a reminder of how fucking it stupid it was to have been afraid of a year. So End of Days will always have that, and that’s about it.

Random Thoughts / Favorite Quotes

I imagine the pitch for this movie went something like this: “It's like Se7en meets Devil's Advocate meets Rosemary's Baby, but it's the apocalypse, and with Arnold and Kevin Pollak instead of Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman.”

This came out during the era in which all horror and horror-adjacent movies had to have an edgy soundtrack. Korn, Rob Zombie, Eminem, Creed, Guns N’ Roses, Powerman 5000, and Limp Bizkit are all on this soundtrack. Even though a few of the songs are credited at the end, I can’t recall hearing anything from the soundtrack during the actual film. Although, the Guns N’ Roses song does play during the credits. 

I feel a little ashamed, but I actually like the Guns N’ Roses song from this.

What horrible parents allowed their baby to have fake snake blood fed to it by Udo Kier?

Also, how did that nurse know that was the right baby? I really don’t understand how the Satanist group operates in this movie.

And was Udo Kier just camping out down there with snakes? And for how long?

I swear the stupid blender concoction Arnold makes at the beginning is nearly the same shit Brian Bosworth feeds his iguana in Stone Cold.

I like how dirty New York is in this movie. Grimy, shitty New York is my favorite.

Gabriel Byrne is crazy horny in this.

Forgot about the scene with Satan's explosive piss. Wild.

“Why don't you just stop with all this church talk and tell us what the hell is going on?”

Cool to see Hector Salamanca as the Pope.

Udo Kier’s death was so sudden and funny. That dude devoted his life to Satan, and Satan finally shows up, fucks and body morphs his wife and daughter (but that was in another character’s dream or something; still not sure what the fuck was happening there), then punches a hole in his head just for delivering some slightly bad news. 

Sven-Ole Thorsen is one of the dudes who kills Arnold's family. 

Arnold, after shooting Kevin Pollak: "Stop being such a pussy!"

A lot of the Darth Schwarzenegger YouTube video lines came from this.

I know he says some bullshit about making him feel real pain or something, but it makes no sense for Satan to keep Arnold alive.

Stan Winston made a practical giant Satan suit for the end, but they replaced it in post with a full CG version. What a waste. The CG isn't awful (for the time), but why not just use the awesome suit you already filmed?

Um…if Arnold just waited five seconds, wouldn't things have still worked out? Did he have to kill himself? I'm cool with the ending; I'm just not sure it had to go down that way. I do remember thinking it was kind of cool that he actually died at the end, which is rare in a non-Terminator role for Arnold.

This Is What "Terminator: Genisys" Could've (Should've) Been.

I enjoyed Terminator: Genisys from a fan service standpoint. The return of Arnold and the old storyline was enough to make me happy. But overall, I was disappointed by what might have been. The most infuriating thing is that a better film is buried within Genisys. The core story could remain (they could even go the whole “Stop Judgment Day” route), but the focus would be quite different. Put shortly, I would make the T-800 (Pops in Genisys) the main character that we never leave. I’m not into writing screenplays, so I’ll just present my version of this film in a disjointed summary. So here it is, my plan for Terminator: Reset the Future. (I thought the tagline for Genisys was a much better title.)

The film would begin at the Connors’ cabin at the lake in the 1970s, when Pops arrives. Enough of this starting in the miserable future crap. The opening scene could be a nice, peaceful moment with Sarah and her family, and then the scene she describes in Genisys happens. But we don’t jump to 1984 after that. We stay with Pops and Sarah for at least the next twenty to thirty minutes. I’m not sure the exact scenes that would play out here, but there would definitely be a scene of Pops explaining things to young Sarah. There could be a vignette of moments showing Pops as a surrogate father (tying her shoes, getting her food, tending playground wounds, Sarah making drawings for him, etc.). There could also be some awkward comedy here and there. Can you imagine how Pops would react to and explain Sarah’s first period? Maybe that wouldn’t be that great of a scene, but it’s what I thought of when Sarah revealed that Pops had basically raised her.

The scenes between Sarah and Pops get progressively more militaristic as he teaches her combat skills and prepares her for 1984. Then we get to 1984, not showing Kyle Reese until he arrives in the timeline. Then the film plays out just like in Genisys. This would make some of those scenes a little too expository since the audience knows everything Kyle is told, but that could be fixed by simply showing them begin to talk as the focus goes to Pops working on something.

This is where the film would be drastically different. Instead of following Sarah and Kyle to 2017, the film stays with Pops in 1984. This segment would be at least thirty minutes long (although I think it would make a fairly interesting film on its own). A number of individual scenes track what Pops has been up to during the thirty-year wait. We see him setting up the new bunker, working at Cyberdyne, missing Sarah, listening to her tapes and looking at her drawings. Perhaps some more comedy could be implemented here. Some awkward interactions with co-workers. People picking up on the fact that he never eats or uses the bathroom, etc. This could play as a very somber portion of the film, but I think it would work better with a bit of humor.

Or if you wanted to go full-blown comedy, perhaps Pops could get a job that
that utilizes his natural ability to work well with children.

Pops would also take notice of John Connor’s arrival in 2014 at Cyberdyne and discover that John is now a Terminator. (I know we haven’t seen John yet, but he could easily be introduced as John Connor in front of Pops while he’s working.) Pops continues to spy and bide his time, then he lies in perfect wait for Sarah and Kyle so that they don’t get arrested this time. (I really don’t understand why he wasn’t able to handle this in Genisys. He obviously knew where they would appear, so why couldn’t he just be there in the road waiting? How hard would it be for him to cause a traffic disturbance at the exact location they would show up?)

Pops tells an unbelieving Sarah and Kyle about John, but they are eventually convinced in the same manner as in Genisys. Then the film could play out very much like Genisys, but with Pops showing much more command of the situation as he’s been able to sabotage Cyberdyne over the years through hacking their system and/or hiding weapons and explosives in key locations. I am truly not a big fan of them doing the same thing they did in T2 by destroying all the hardware and whatnot, but if they tweaked it a bit and acknowledged that they need to do more than just blow up a building it might work. Maybe go all Independence Day and have them give the program a virus or something?

Of course, this is a rough outline that needs some work. Issues that jump out at me mainly concern John Connor. How does he still exist? I didn’t think they answered this in a satisfactory matter at all in Genisys, but it’s forgivable since we’re dealing with a series in which a man sends his own father back in time to create himself. The main issue with what I’ve come up with is how does Pops detect John without John also detecting him? But since Pops said he worked at Cyberdyne in Genisys that means they may have crossed paths before and nothing happened, so if it’s an issue in Genisys it can be an issue in my made-up version too.

Another title could be; Terminator: Genisys (Now with Less Jai Courtney!)

So that’s it, my Pops-centric version of the latest Terminator. I just felt that Arnold was the strongest aspect of the film, but the least utilized. Why focus on Jai Courtney? Why introduce Matt Smith just as a connection for a sequel? Just leave how Connor became a Terminator open if you need sequel bait. You already have that with the mystery of who sent Pops back, so just go with it. This film used Arnold less than any other Terminator film (excluding Salvation, of course) and needed him the most. Of course, what’s done is done. Too bad the real world isn’t more like the world of Terminator. That way someone could be sent back to fix this. But then again, we would have to deal with Judgment Day… I think it’s worth it.

Arnold Is Back...Sort Of. Schwarzenegger Is Underutilized in the Decent but Disappointing "Terminator: Genisys."

Terminator: Genisys

They definitely relied on this gag too much. This is one of four or five times you see the smile that originated in 1991...

At this point, the Terminator franchise has been rejuvenated more times than Judgment Day has been avoided. The last attempt, Terminator: Salvation, was meant to be the beginning of a new trilogy. It is now regarded a disappointment with the box office and fans alike, so that was scrapped (even though there are people who liked it, like me, and it made $371 million worldwide). Now, with Terminator: Genisys, much like Skynet, they refuse to let the franchise die.

The easy way to describe Genisys is that it’s not as good as the first two, but it’s better than the last two. Simplistic, sure, but it’s accurate, especially since Genisys is a return to the storyline of the original film. Of course, a real assessment is more complicated than that, but to get into it completely, spoilers are involved. So, if you want to watch Genisys completely fresh, stop reading now (although if you’ve seen the previews for this movie, everything mentioned in this review has already been spoiled for you).

Genisys has one of the worst marketing plans for a movie in recent memory. It is revealed, both in previews and articles (like the one I regretfully read in Entertainment Weekly which didn’t even feature a spoiler warning) that John Connor is now a Terminator. Usually when a preview reveals something like that, it means it happens early in the film. But in Genisys, it is a major twist roughly forty-five minutes in. What is truly irritating about the twist being spoiled is that it could have been actually surprising. For some reason, the marketing team thought spoiling a major plot point would drum up more business (it didn’t).

Spoilers aside, Connor as a Terminator is a decent and interesting change to the storyline. Aside from that change, Genisys is much more interested in reminding fans of the past. The main element is the return of Arnold Schwarzenegger to his career-defining role. His presence, along with a return to the 1984 setting of the original, should be enough to please fans of the series. Some have complained about the movie resorting to fan service elements, but if you’re a fan, what’s the problem? (By the way, I am a fan, and the fan service did its job; overall, I liked the movie.)

That’s Genisys in a nutshell: fan service. People want to see Arnold in awesome action sequences spouting off one-liners (even though it makes no sense for this version of him to know those one-liners, but who cares?). The action of Genisys is fine, though sometimes it feels too fake (the old Arnold vs. young Arnold sequence comes to mind). There are some standout moments, however (the bus sequence is pretty great). Put simply, it’s a serviceable action film, but not genre-redefining like T2.

The main problem with Genisys is that it doesn’t adhere to the original film enough. In the original, the Terminator was as much a character as Kyle Reese or Sarah Connor. Here, he’s subordinate to Kyle and Sarah, which is a mistake. Kyle Reese was not the main character in The Terminator. He was one-third of the focus. Here, he’s the main protagonist with Sarah Connor the close second lead. Arnold is reduced to being their violent robot butler (I know, I know, it’s “cybernetic organism,” not robot, but I prefer “robot”).

Arnold playing third fiddle is annoying for two reasons. First, Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn in the original) is now played by Jai Courtney, an actor who is mediocre at best, and an unlikable husk at worst. Here, he’s mediocre bordering on likable for a change, but he’s no Michael Biehn, and worse, he’s not playing the character like Beihn at all. Kyle Reese went from an intense, jittery time traveler to a milquetoast everyman who seems pretty calm about traveling to a time that should be unrecognizable to him. So he’s not the best character to be stuck following.

Second, this version of Arnold was sent back in the 1970s to protect Sarah Connor and then be a surrogate father to her. We’re shown a glimpse of this in a flashback, but how much more interesting would it have been if the film started there and followed Arnold and Sarah all the way through? On top of that, there’s a point in the story when Kyle and Sarah must travel from 1984 to 2017, and Arnold can’t go with them. So he has to bide his time for over thirty years. Those thirty years would be an interesting movie on their own, but in Genisys, we don’t see a second of it. At the very least they could have done a montage sequence or something. (Perhaps the progression of Joseph Gordon-Levitt to Bruce Willis in Looper could have been mimicked.) It’s just unfortunate that positive elements of the film are overshadowed by what might have been.

The positive elements make Genisys an enjoyable, if disappointing, film. Arnold still inhabits the Terminator effortlessly and makes every scene he’s in better. Emilia Clarke (Game of Thrones) is an interesting choice for Sarah Connor this time around. She’s a good combination of the original, fragile Sarah and ultra-militarized T2 Sarah. And, despite the obvious setups for future movies (it is never revealed who sent Arnold back to the 1970s, for instance), it is interesting to see where the story goes from here.

The best thing the series can do, however, is end for good once this planned trilogy is over (if the trilogy even happens, that is, since this film isn’t exactly tearing up the box office). The most boring aspect of this film is that it’s about stopping Judgment Day again. Hate the last two movies all you want, but at least they were willing to accept that Judgment Day is inevitable. Whatever happens in the future of this increasingly convoluted time-traveling saga, let it at least come to a true, final conclusion. Let’s just hope Arnold is front and center for that conclusion. 

Terminator: Genisys receives a:

Random Thoughts (even more SPOILERS)

Some people have applauded the film for returning to a more light-hearted tone. While this film contains more jokes than the extremely bleak Salvation, I don't think T2 was as goofy as everyone remembers. Sure there was the smile and all the catch phrases, but Genisys crossed the line with the mugshot scene set to the COPS theme music. 

The Arnold vs. Arnold sequence really disappointed me, especially since the young Arnold in Salvation somehow looked better. Granted, young Arnold is cloaked in shadows in Salvation, but at least they were aware of their limitations. A couple of moments during the fight in Genisys it looked like a videogame.

John Connor as a Terminator is interesting because it takes the ending of Salvation and tweaks it a bit. I just wish he was meant to be a bridge between man and machine (like in Salvation when he get a heart transplant from a hybrid Terminator) rather than just a new tool for the machines. Aside from the initial reveal, the characters seem to have no issue with actively trying to kill John Connor, the man the entire series has been about. The twist is really wasted since John simply ends up being the new, "bad" Terminator. It would make more sense for Terminator John to stay in the future and figure out a way to end all of this rather than go back to make sure Skynet happens. They could have sent back any mimicking Terminator to provide the info to get Skynet going. John Connor isn't the only one privy to that info.

Stopping Judgment Day and Skynet is just stupid at this point. And naming it "Genisys" now is just annoying because every time I type it I have to deal with the computer telling me it's spelled incorrectly. Anyway, remember Terminator 3? The whole point of that movie was that Judgment Day was inevitable, and the reason was because everything is connected now. Destroying a hard drive in some office building isn't enough in the internet age. And they figured that out for a 2003 film, when the internet was not nearly as prevalent. Back when phones were still mainly used for communication. You might think that it was more advanced, but the movie actually has the villain log onto the internet through dial-up. I'm serious. This is why it's so stupid that a movie set fourteen years later would revert back to early 90s T2 logic: just smash it all up, and it will be okay. It's just lazy.

Finally, I think people need to reevaluate the last two movies. They get a bad rap, but at least they were willing to do something different with the series. Terminator 3 was meant to put n end to the Judgment Day stuff, and the character of John Connor was very interesting because it evaluated what time travel and prophecy could do to someone. Who is John Connor without the end of the world? And Salvation was a straight up war film that didn't even feature time travel. John Connor was dealt with interestingly here, as well. Some people didn't believe he was all that great, and he's really only a "prophet" because he's been told everything, not because he's some miracle worker. The films have their flaws, don't get me wrong: until the end, Terminator 3 is just about prevent Judgment Day again, and Connor in Salvation is kind of a screaming lunatic. But they dared to take the series in a different direction, which is more than you can say for Genisys.

"The Expendables 2"

Directed by Simon West, written by Richard Wenk, Sylvester Stallone, Ken Kaufman, and David Agosto, starring Stallone, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, and Jean-Claude Van Damme - Rated R

Of course this gets a Kurgan, until they finally put the Kurgan in one of these movies, then it will get a Vader...

 

 

 

I was as pumped as everyone else when I heard about The Expendables a few years ago.  When it came out I walked away pleased, but not blown away.  As an old school action fan, just seeing the likes of Sylvester Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, and Jet Li (among others and some newer stars) was enough to consider the film a success.  It helped that it included ridiculous action and a plot straight out of a Rambo movie.  But something was missing.  Before I continue, I must confess that I have an unnatural (and some might say “irrational”) love of Jean-Claude Van Damme films.  (Yes, “films.”  Not movies, but films.) 

 

Van Damme was not in the first Expendables, much to my chagrin.  How could such a fixture of 80s and early 90s action not make it into this cast?  I was even more upset when I heard rumors that he had been offered a part, but had turned it down, due to lack of character development.  Maybe he didn’t want to be relegated to one-note status as one of the main cast as Lundgren (the crazy one) or Randy Couture (the guy with the messed-up ears) are.  If that’s the case, then he was wise to hold out because Van Damme is the best part of The Expendables 2.  (Of course, some might claim my opinion is biased…and they’d probably be correct.)

 

The Expendables 2 sticks with what made the first film a fan favorite: multiple aging action stars cause mass destruction.  This time, though, more stars are thrown into the mix and cameos from Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger are upgraded to supporting roles.  Aside from Van Damme, Scott Adkins, Liam Hemsworth, and Chuck Norris are added to the cast.  Norris is the biggest, and cheesiest, addition, as his appearance is so tongue in cheek it’s almost not enjoyable…almost.  

 

Believe it or not, there is a plot to this film and it’s 80s-tastic.  Van Damme plays Vilain (yes, his name is one letter away from literally being “villain”), a cult leader who wants to sell mass amounts of plutonium to the highest bidder.  At one point, Vilain ponders how “interesting” it is that plutonium can change the world, but later he simply proclaims that he wants a lot of money.  It’s simple, it’s right out of the Cold War, and it’s great. 

 

Of course Stallone and his group of mercenaries are out to stop Vilain, especially after he kills one of their own (I won’t spoil who that is).  This leads to some truly great moments as Van Damme revels in his villainous role, toying with Stallone every chance he gets.  It’s a slightly strange performance, but it is by far the most interesting aspect of the film.  Van Damme has always been best when he gets to play nefarious roles (a serial killer in Replicant and a law breaking criminal in Double Impact), but this time he doesn’t also portray a goodie-two-shoes duplicate to even it out.  Here’s hoping that Van Damme latches onto this performance and gets more big screen work, because I, for one, am sick and tired of seeing his new movies pop up on Wal-Mart shelves at discount prices.  I’ll take what I can get, however.  And even though Van Damme’s scenes are few, they stick out as the film’s best moments.  I don’t want to spoil anything, but a kick from Van Damme has never been used in such a brutal, awesome way.  I just wish the filmmakers had made him a more prominent villain (or should I say, “Vilain”?).    

 

Most people aren’t watching this film just for Jean-Claude Van Damme, though.  This is a movie for action junkies.  Everyone should walk away pleased with this film.  It doesn’t hold up to the truly great action films of its stars’ past (it’s hard to top films like Predator, Die Hard, and Cobra, though), but it’s certainly awesome to see some action that doesn’t involve comic book superheroes for a change.  There’s plenty of gunfire and explosions and random bad guys getting blown to pieces to keep everyone happy.  And most of the comedic action beats work.  The CG blood was a bit disappointing at times, though, and too often the action consisted of shots of the good guys firing en masse followed by shots of bad guys getting riddled with bullets.  Director Simon West (Con Air) handles most of the film well, but he is not the most adept action director.  The Expendables 2 is still one of the most satisfying action movies in years, however.

 

This is a film after my own heart and I absolutely embraced it.  If you just need an action fix, you’ll probably like it.  If you’re a fan of the stars, you’ll dig all the cheesy in-jokes.  If you’re a Van Damme fan like me, you’ll love it, but you will leave the theater saying, “Man, I wish Van Damme would have been in it more.”  I’ll take what I can get, though.

Random Throughts (SPOILERS)

Seriously, Van Damme was great, but my God, what an underdeveloped villain.  If it was a no-name actor, it would be completely forgettable.  Van Damme breathed so much life into the role, taunting Stallone every chance he got and doing some amusing physical acting.  I wanted at least ten more behind the scenes villain stuff.  Maybe explain the cult stuff a bit more.  Seriously, all we get is that they are a cult known as the "pet of Satan"?  How do you not expand on that?!  But at least there were some round house kicks and how awesome was that knife-kick scene? 

What I really hoped to see was a Van Damme/Jet Li showdown (due to a long running feud between myself and a Li-loving buddy of mine).  But Li literally jumps out of the movie fifteen minutes in, just after a pretty damn awesome sequence involving pots and pans.  I'm assuming it had something to do with scheduling.  If Li wanted out, though, they could have had him get killed by Van Damme, though.  That would have given me the edge in my feud for life. 

Aside from all the Van Damme stuff, my favorite moment of the film had to be when there was one dude left in the village and Stallone yelled, "One more!" and everybody unloaded on him.  The "Rest in pieces" line was cheesy, but the scene itself was hilarious.  It was like the scene from Predator, except they actually hit something this time.  Oh, and they fired for five seconds instead of fifteen minutes. 

Schwarzenegger ripping the door off of that smart car (or whatever that thing was) cracked me up.  And it was just great to see him shooting a machine gun again.