Highlander II: The Renegade Version

 

I’ve hesitated writing about this stupid movie. Not because it’s so bad (though it is), but because it’s so famously bad. If you come across lists of worst sequels, Highlander II: The Quickening is bound to show up, often at number one. This shitshow of a sequel is almost universally despised, so what could I add to the cacophony of hate that’s been around since the film was first released years ago? Not much, honestly, but the weird thing about Highlander 2 is that I want to like it, and that compels me to at least get into why I can’t.

First off, I have to admit that I technically did not watch The Quickening (I did watch bits and pieces to refresh my memory of the dumbest parts); I watched Highlander II: The Renegade Version. This is the cut that attempts to fix the nonsense of the theatrical cut, and it’s still infuriatingly bad. In case you’ve forgotten, the theatrical cut revealed that the immortals from the first film were actually aliens from a planet called Zeist that were exiled to Earth to do battle until only one remained, then the winner would be given the option to become mortal and live out their days on Earth or return to Zeist. 

This begs a plethora of questions:

 Why is it a “punishment” to be sent to another planet as an immortal?

Why do they speak English on Zeist?

If sending back lackeys from Zeist restarts the contest, then does the contest ever technically end?

If it’s possible to just portal yourself onto Earth, then why didn’t Michael Ironside do it years ago?

MacLeod claims that he was sent to Earth “500 years ago” but Ramirez was sent back at the same time as him, yet Ramirez is hundreds of years older in the first film…how?

But the biggest question of all is, why did they feel the need to complicate things with this convoluted, overly sci-fi plot?

Now, The Renegade Version attempts to correct some of this, but it’s impossible. Yes, the Zeist stuff is messily edited to make it instead be Earth in some ancient past. So they aren’t aliens sent to Earth; they’re ancient beings sent to the future. I guess that’s better? But all my questions from the theatrical cut remain; they’re just tweaked into being about time travel instead of alien shit. 

In both cuts, I still don’t understand why Christopher Lambert chose such a ridiculous old man voice for the beginning. And the whole subplot about the shield MacLeod helped create to combat the sun? What? Okay, it’s a future movie, so they felt the need to go with something apocalyptic, but why is MacLeod one of the guys designing the shield? Oh, and how the fuck is a subway able to go 700 miles per hour? Okay, I need to stop with the questions because there’s no end to them. 

It really boils down to the fact that there simply was not a good way to extend the story of the original. I’m sure the writers felt the same way. Why else would they say, “Fuck it, let’s make ‘em aliens”? They had to make a big swing otherwise it makes no sense why MacLeod would still be immortal or why Ramirez would be able to return. 

The next sequel (that completely ignored this one) at least figured out the best way to explain how the story could continue was to explore MacLeod’s past a bit. But that one fucking sucks, too (so does Endgame, but I think that’s still the best sequel). I truly cannot think of another series that has been so tainted by its sequels. 

What sucks for me is that I love the first film so much that every few years I forget how shitty these sequels are and think, “Maybe they are better than I remember. I should give them another chance.” Which is why I’m writing this as a reminder that the sequels need to be disregarded. 

It just sucks because I want to like this and all the other Highlander films. And even if there’s a bit of a “it’s so bad, it’s good” quality to this, and Michael Ironside is hamming it up the whole time, I still need to let this one go. When it comes to this series, at least for me, there can be only one movie, and it’s the original.

Random Thoughts

I love info at the beginning of shitty sci-fi movies. In this one, before the fucking credits start, we’re told that it’s 2024, and the ozone layer is destroyed and an electromagnetic shield has been put in its place. We’re dealing with an immortal group of people here, why just jump to 2024? Skip farther ahead to a time in which this ridiculous shit might make a little more sense. I get them thinking the ozone layer could be gone by now (all you heard about in the late 80s and early 90s was the ozone layer [why don’t we hear about it anymore? Is it good now somehow? Is it gone? I need to do some research…]), but an electromagnetic shield? How does that work? I like the idea that humans can fuck the world even faster than science predicted, but the optimism that we would also invent a solution is just silly. 

I just remembered that MacLeod became mortal at the end of the first film, so they can’t jump too far into the future. My apologies to the shitty sequel.

That part about a small group of people just blindly believing that the ozone layer has magically returned hit home, though. If only our current crazy motherfuckers were only a “small group” and not roughly half of the goddamn population.

Okay, I looked up some shit about the ozone layer. Turns out, the world was a better place in the late 80s because, as a planet, most of the countries agreed to put a stop to producing CFCs. And they actually fucking did it, and the ozone layer is in pretty good shape these days. No way this gets done in today’s world. How could we fix the ozone layer today when a sizable portion of the population would deny its very existence? Okay, time to stop this. I’m watching Highlander II: The Renegade Version, this is not the time for thought of any kind.

The first movie started at a wrestling match and featured the music of Queen. This one starts at the opera and features the music of Stewart Copeland. Not bad, but a step down culturally in both aspects, in my opinion.

“Break ranks! Get more men!” I’m not a military strategist, but this doesn’t make a lot of sense. And if there were more men available, why weren’t they there already?

Michael Ironside is great, but he’s also a step down compared to Clancy Brown.

That flashback battle scene is some weak shit. Just stuff blowing up and dudes running around. It’s like they showed up on set that day and decided to improv a battle sequence.

Being exiled into the future is better than them being aliens, but it’s still pretty fucking stupid. 

Holy shit, I forgot how terrible Lambert’s old man voice was in this.

“I’m Connor MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod. And I cannot die. Now let’s fuck in the street like two drunken hobos.”

The Psychic Cook looks like a rad show.

“This doesn’t look like Kansas, does it?” How would he know that reference? How would he know what the fuck Kansas is?

It makes no sense at all, but Michael Ironside driving a train nearly 700 miles per hour is easily the highlight of this horrible movie. This is the first time I noticed they included a fake baby falling with the other passengers. This movie is sneaky dark at times.

Ironside drives the train, then he gets a cab? Is he just checking out all the modes of public transportation that he’s missing out on in the past?

And then there’s the goofy scene of Connery on the plane. This movie goes from dark dystopian nightmare to goofy fish out of water comedy with the immortals trying to figure out the future.

Pretty sure that scene of Connery trying to bang the lady next to him on the plane was actual behind-the-scenes footage.

Highlander - "It's Better to Burn Out Than to Fade Away!"

I’ve always been a bigger fan of villains than heroes in pop culture (just check out my villain rating scale that I used to use for reviews on this site). Aside from generally looking cooler, the villain gets to have all the fun, which means the actor gets to let loose and take some big swings. Because of this, my favorite movie villain is the Kurgan from Highlander, and this article will be primarily focused on my love for this character.

I have a strange obsession with the Kurgan. I don’t have a tattoo or anything, but any time I have to create a username for any kind of game I go with some variation of the Kurgan. If enough characters are allowed, I always go with theevilkurgan; if there’s a limit, then it’s thekurgan (you can drop “evil,” but “the” must always be included). It’s such a habit at this point that I don’t even think about it anymore. But when I go too long without watching Highlander, I start to doubt how awesome the Kurgan is. Thankfully, every rewatch confirms that he is the best villain. 

Clancy Brown definitely makes the role of the Kurgan memorable, but I want to get into the written character before I get into his performance. Simply put, the Kurgan looks fucking badass. When we first see him, he’s in full crazy motherfucker armor. His helmet is the skull of what looks like a tiger or sabertooth, and his chestplate looks to be made from bones, as well, but has somehow been sculpted to his form. His sword is easily the coolest in the film, too, which is saying something in a movie in which a bunch of immortals sword fight until the last one is decapitated.

Appearances can be one note, though. The downfall of most villains is that they have little to no motivation aside from simply being evil. At first glance, it would appear that’s the case with the Kurgan, but there’s more depth there than one might think. The basic plot of Highlander is important here: a race of immortals has existed throughout human history, and they are fated to battle throughout time until only one is left. The last one is rewarded with “The Prize,” though they don’t seem to know what it is exactly, and later films have changed things and subsequently been de-canonized, and it’s all way too complicated. The point is there is a goal for these immortals that requires them to behead each other.

So the Kurgan has motivation, but that alone doesn’t require him to be evil. The existence of Sean Connery’s laughably named Juan Sánchez-Villalobos Ramírez is proof of this. But Connery has a line that I never dwelled on until this viewing when describing the Kurgan: “The endless killing has driven him mad.” 

My love of this film is sincere though I am aware of how silly it all is. But Connery’s line makes me honestly think about the immortality of these characters and their fate (it’s an entirely other question as to how Connery or any immortal ever learned of the “The Prize” or the rule about holy ground, but I digress). The idea of immortality in general can be maddening. Connor seems to be enjoying himself, but most people would probably lose their fucking mind after a few centuries, especially if they were focused on The Prize. Connor’s life seems to answer the excellent Queen song’s question of “Who Wants to Live Forever?” with an emphatic “Me!” The Kurgan, even if he is unaware that The Prize turns him mortal, seems ready for things to end. There is a goal, and he wants it as soon as possible. He isn’t dragging his feet like MacLeod, who seems to only fight when challenged.

In his quest for The Prize, the Kurgan has been killing…a lot. Immortality alone would desensitize anyone; add constant killing and you have a recipe for the Kurgan. He becomes overtly evil to cope with what he must do. He certainly leans too far into it, but by then he is truly evil. In a way, the Kurgan is a bit of a tragic character, killing his way through the centuries while other immortals just want to hang out forever.

Whether or not the Kurgan is tragic doesn’t matter, though, because no matter why he has become so evil, it is undeniable that he has become entertaining. This is what Clancy Brown brings to the role. His distinctive voice does a lot of the heavy lifting, but he truly seems to enjoy playing someone so evil. His delivery of “Happy Halloween, ladies!” in the church is hysterical. Brown makes the Kurgan equal parts scary and fun, and that is a difficult balance to strike. 

Brown’s performance gives you the idea that the Kurgan enjoys immortality but is also okay with The Prize potentially ending it. His famous line (taken from the Neil Young song “Hey Hey, My My”) “It’s better to burn out than to fade away!” is not the line of someone wanting to live for very long, which makes it ironic that he’s saying this as a nearly 3,000 year old evil maniac. The Kurgan most likely has deduced that The Prize is actually the ability to die. What else could be awarded to an immortal than the gift of the ability to live a true mortal life? You’re also gifted the ability to know the thoughts of all mankind, which no doubt the Kurgan would use to evil ends, but he’s mortal at this point, so it would only mean a few decades of darkness for humanity rather than the “eternity” that Connery warns MacLeod of if the Kurgan should win. (Of course, The Prize of this film is rendered meaningless in the second film, but I’ll get to that in another article.)

All of this theorizing is quite messy (but the mythology of this series is even messier), but this is why I love writing about movies. My love of the Kurgan inspired way more thought than Highlander deserves. When a villain not only entertains me but also elevates the entire film, then he is a special character. Originally, I celebrated the Kurgan in a semi-jokingly manner. Now, I know this character is sincerely one of cinema’s greatest villains.

Random Thoughts 

Here are couple more facts that show my strange love of this film: I own a replica of MacLeod’s sword (a gift from my brother), and I’ve made multiple hot sauces with Highlander-themed names (one is simply a label with a picture of the Kurgan and the phrase “It’s better to burn out than to fade away” and the other is Jaun Sánchez-Villaloboso Ramírez’s Egyptian Scotch Bonnet Sauce).

I feel safe claiming this is the only movie to cross-cut a wrestling match with a battle in medieval Scotland.

Based on the energy level of the crowd at that wrestling match, it must have been free cocaine night at the arena.

I fucking love the dude next to Lambert just jabbering at him like a psycho.

Why did they have this duel in the parking garage during a wrestling match? I know I’m dwelling on this wrestling match, but seriously: why the fuck does Highlander start at a wrestling match? I suppose Mulcahy is trying to make some comparison like wrestlers are modern day warriors, but that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. A more apt comparison would be wrestlers to gladiators, but even that one is a bit flawed, since wrestlers don’t fight to the death, unless there’s an accident or an overdose or something.

Who’s the fucking dork wearing a hockey mask at a wrestling match?

Only a true Highlander can pull off the trench coat and sneakers look.

Back to the wrestling match. So I get that highlanders can sense when another one is around, but which one of these dudes was going to the wrestling match? Did MacLeod go there knowing Fasil was following him? If so, why there? If that location was planned, it sure caused him a lot of headaches with the police after. Wouldn’t both of these guys try to meet in a secluded area? And Fasil is wearing a full suit, so I doubt he was just at the wrestling match. I’m starting to think that MacLeod just likes wrestling, although not as much as the jabbering psychos all around him.

Fasil’s back handsprings through the parking garage garnered a well-deserved look of confusion from MacLeod. Why the fuck did he do that?

Also, the editing of this moment is atrocious. He starts flipping, then it cuts to him slowly jogging, then he’s flipping again. I watched the theatrical cut this time, and I think this is fixed in the director’s cut, but how did any self-respecting editor let this get released? It’s as bad as the director’s cut of Endgame that flat out re-uses fight scenes to make a fight seem longer. (By the way, I’m referring to the OG Endgame: Highlander, not Avengers.)

 Just a reminder: I love this movie. I make fun of it with love.

“I peed my kilt the first time I rode into battle!”

I can’t imagine the kind of depraved sex the Kurgan has with Candy.

I love how everything a Highlander’s sword touches blows up a little bit.

Cop in helicopter: “Hey! Hold it right there! Come back here!” And what, wait for you to land and arrest me, you stupid dildo?

“I’ll bloody well walk out of here!”

Pretty sure Kate wanted Connor dead long before his supernatural reveal. She was straight up horny at the thought of him being burned at the stake. You dodged a bullet there, Highlander!

How did anyone keep a straight face on set when Sean Connery announced he was a Spaniard in the most famous Scottish accent the world has ever heard?

And then he claims to be from Egypt!

His scenes take place in Scotland, just make him Scottish! Seriously, let him be all the bullshit he’s been through the years, including the chief metallurgist for King Charles V, but just have him claim to originally be from Scotland. 

Just another reminder that I love this stupid movie.

“If your head comes away from your neck, it’s over.”

I’ll take Sean Connery and Christopher Lambert frolicing on a beach any day over Sylvester Stallone and Carl Weathers.

“For amusement they tossed children into pits with hungry dogs to fight for scraps of meat.” Jesus…

Why is MacLeod gone in the scene in which the Kurgan kills Ramírez?

And why the fuck do they continue to live there afterward?

And why didn’t the Kurgan ever come back to check and see if MacLeod was there? Was he like me, and assumed there was no fucking way he would keep living at the site of such trauma?

“Happy Halloween, ladies!”

So they bang and MacLeod immediately takes her to the zoo? Who does he think he is? Rocky?

I guess they ran out of ideas for locations for the final battle, which is why they are straight up fighting at the studio the movie was filmed at. Fuck it, I like it. The destruction of the sign is awesome.

Whatever this immortal power is, it sure hates windows.

He becomes Professor X at the end, able to hear the thoughts of everyone.

“Don’t lose your head” is the last line of the film. Perfection.