These Revisionist Fairy Tale Movies Must Stop!

You paid for something just like this a few years ago, so...

Now that Jack the Giant Slayer has officially sort of bombed, it would be nice if I could write the obituary for the revisionist fairy tale genre.  (Not sure if that is the title others are giving this recent slew of “okay at best” fairy tale movies, but that’s what I’m going with.)  But I can’t.  Not because great fairy tale movies are right around the corner, but because of the sheer fact that more are coming out.  It doesn’t seem to matter that no one is actually asking for these movies. 

 

Let’s begin with how this even happened.  I blame Johnny Depp.  No, wait, people (including me) like him.  Okay, I blame Avatar.  No, that won’t work, either.  The internet may have grown to hate that movie, but actual people apparently really liked it (once again, including me).  I’ve got it: 3D is to blame.  I can get behind that, and so can a decent amount of people.

 

Allow me to explain.  Avatar came out a few years ago and made all that money.  Some genius in Hollywood decided that it must have been because of the 3D.  That certainly explains why 3D has been a part of film world conversation ever since, but that doesn’t necessarily explain these new fairy tale movies.  Alice in Wonderland, a children’s fairy tale, just happened to be the next family friendly film to be released in glorious 3D, and it made far more money than it deserved.  It made over a billion dollars worldwide…ridiculous.  Is it any wonder that Oz the Great and Powerful looks more like a prequel to Alice than it does to The Wizard of Oz?  But more on that later…

 

The reason isn’t all that important, though.  At this point, the studios need to listen to the audiences.  In general, mass audiences hate revisionist fairy tales.  Let’s go through the list of recent films and their estimated domestic gross and budget (according to boxofficemojo.com):

 




Have they learned nothing from us?

The Brothers Grimm made $38 million and cost $88 million.

 

Red Riding Hood made $38 and cost $42.

 

Mirror Mirror made $65 and cost $85.

 

Snow White and the Huntsman made $155 and cost $170.

 

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters made $54 and cost $50.

 

Jack the Giant Slayer has made $29 so far and reportedly cost $195.

 

 

There are no massive bombs listed here (Jack might eventually qualify), and all of the films that have finished their run ended up making more than their budget after worldwide grosses are applied.  None of these films were smash hits, either.  The only one getting a sequel is Snow White, but I’ll address that “hit” in a minute.  What is most frustrating about this list is that amount of money spent on these films that could be used elsewhere.  But back to the list itself. 

 

The Brothers Grimm stands out since it was released years before Alice and this whole fairy tale frenzy we’re dealing with at the moment.  I included this movie (which I actually like, by the way) because it is an example that shows audiences didn’t want this stuff back in 2005 and they still don’t want it in 2013.  I know that I said I enjoyed this film, but I’m glad it didn’t start a trend.  This film’s lackluster performance stopped the fairy tale movement before it began, then Alice came out and we’ve been force fed this fairy tale crap ever since. 

 

Things would have been fine if it had ended with Grimm.  The people who want to see an edgier version of a fairy tale would have their fix and we could be spared the rest of the crap.  Red Riding Hood was too mundane to even remember.  Mirror Mirror, despite being directed by Tarsem Singh, was family friendly drivel.  Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters…well, just say that title out loud and try not to laugh at the stupidity of it.  (I have not gotten around to seeing this one, and I will admit that it looks more promising than its name suggests.)  I never intended to watch Jack the Giant Slayer for multiple reasons.  The CG looked too fake, the human characters looked too goofy, and I never really liked the original story anyway.  Actually, you know what?  I can’t remember if I liked that story growing up, mainly because I was a small child when it was meant to appeal to me.  So why is this film being marketed as some grand action adventure for all ages when the source material is meant only for children? 

 

Most of these new fairy tales fall into this weird in-between zone.  They try so hard to be for everyone that they end up being for nearly no one.  The exception to this is Snow White and the Huntsman, which succeeded only because it ended up being just right for the Twilight crowd.  This film is being considered a success to the point that a sequel is in the works, but let’s put this in perspective.  The cartoon version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs made (over years of re-releases) $185 million.  If you adjust that, it rockets up to $877 million.  You know why that made all the money?  Because it was marketed to the proper audience: children.

 

Familiar faces! Take my money!

Snow White and the Huntsman’s success is a product of casting, good timing, and not-being-that-bad-ness.  It had Kristen Stewart (whose mass appeal I will never understand), Chris Hemsworth (Thor!), and Charlize Theron (who doesn’t necessarily bring in big audiences, but her performance was noted).  And I remember when this came out.  It was the only major release that weekend and The Avengers had already been out for a month and Men in Black 3 was under performing in its second weekend.  And, most importantly, this one is not all that bad.  In fact, the worst parts about the film are the forced Snow White moments.  You know, like any awful scene with the dwarfs.  If this had simply been an adventure movie without the Snow White part, it might have been truly good.  Because that fairy tale crap is for children. 

 

The primary definition of a fairy tale (according to Merriam-Webster.com) is “a story (as for children) involving fantastic forces and beings.”  The key word in that definition is “children.”  Sure, definitions differ and some don’t claim that a fairy tale is exclusively for children.  But look at the plots of these films and tell me that they aren’t more at home in a Disney animated feature.  I’m not saying let’s put an end to all fairy tales.  I’m just saying let’s keep them where they belong: animated and rated G. 

This is for...kids?  Teens?  Adults?  Anyone...?

 

This brings me back to Oz.  To be fair, this one is not exactly a revisionist fairy tale because it is a prequel to The Wizard of Oz and isn’t attempting to be a gritty new take on it.  But it is being marketed (down to the nearly identical release date) very much like Alice in Wonderland.  I am afraid that it will make an immense amount of money and there will be another influx of crappy to mediocre revisions of children’s classics for the next few years.  I fear that this brutal cycle could go on indefinitely…and in 3D. 

 

What’s the point of all this griping?  I want the talent that has been involved in some of this mediocre crap to be used for more original and entertaining work.  Johnny Depp and Tim Burton once made Ed Wood.  Sam Raimi is responsible for the Evil Dead franchise.  Tarsem Singh made The Fall (check that out if you want to see a childhood fairy tale presented in a mature and entertaining way).  Gary Oldman (Red Riding Hood) made (insert one of his dozen-plus awesome roles here).  Tommy Wirkola (Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters) made Dead Snow.  You get the idea. 

 

Hollywood can still make fairy tale movies and make more money doing it without wasting the talent of these people.  They could just make them as animated features meant for children.  They can even mess with the formula and modernize it a bit.  The audience won’t mind, or won’t remember it later on anyway.  I’m not suggesting, by the way, that there is no talent in the animated world; quite the opposite, in fact.  It’s just that the animated folk know what to do with fairy tales and the people behind most these films don’t. 

 

Of course, maybe I’m wrong and Oz the Great and Powerful will turn out to be the beginning of a golden era of Hollywood.  But I doubt it.  There’s just something wrong about Sam Raimi directing a PG rated fairy tale…

"Snow White and the Huntsman"

Directed by Rupert Sanders, written by Evan Daugherty, John Lee Hancock, and Hossein Amini, starring Kristen Stewart, Chris Hemsworth, and Charlize Theron - Rated PG-13

This film just wasn't dark and action-packed enough for me. 

Snow White is suddenly a hot property in Hollywood as not just one, but two new films about the fairy tale have been released in recent months.  I skipped out on Mirror Mirror because it simply didn’t interest me and appeared to be going with a safe, family friendly tone (no offense to safe, family friendly movies, but those types of films don’t appeal to me).  The second film, Snow White and the Huntsman, appeared to be geared more towards my demographic with its action packed previews and dark tone.  While I’m sure that this film is more enjoyable than Mirror Mirror, Snow White turned out to be overlong, a bit boring, and just underwhelming in general. 

You should know the story by now, but even if you just remember the bits and pieces of it (like me), then you still probably know what to expect from this film.  You have the princess (Kristen Stewart) and the evil queen (Charlize Theron), the seven dwarves, a talking mirror, a magical forest, a poison apple, a love story, etc.  The whole point of this incarnation is to be darker than the cartoon version most know.  As far as that is concerned, Snow White is a success.  The kingdom in this film is truly miserable as dead bodies are caged up in the streets and young women are taken from their homes never to return.  The two standout dark elements are the drug-trippy forest featuring truly grotesque images and Theron as the evil queen who engages in Elizabeth Bathory-like (Google it) antics to retain her youth.  Those elements account for the best parts of the film.

The rest pales in comparison or consists of misfires.  First off, the film attempts to inject action into the fairy tale and there are some action sequences, but they are incredibly dull.  The action is chaotic and hard to follow and is simply not interesting.  It’s just a bunch of arrows and sword slashes and people falling down.  Some supernatural action elements start off promising (like the troll), but fizzle out quickly. 

The titular Huntsman raises some issues as well.  Nothing against Chris Hemsworth, though.  His performance was fine and he is one of the more interesting characters in the film.  But his inclusion creates this love triangle issue between him and some duke’s son (who is pretty much a non-character).  I can’t remember if there was a love triangle in the original story, but regardless it just made this film more bloated than it needed to be.  Does Kristen Stewart always have to have two men vying for her?  Is it in her contract or something?  It felt tacked on and pointless in this film.  This could have been easily fixed had the Huntsman and the duke’s son been condensed into one character. 

Screen time that was wasted on the duke’s son could have been used on the dwarves.  I don’t want to waste time listing all of the actors’ names, but they all deserved so much more screen time and they seem to appear as an afterthought in the film.  If they had been introduced early on, the film would have benefitted greatly and there could be more character development with at least a few of the brilliant actors portraying them.  Instead, they serve as awkward comedic relief in the third act. 

Snow White and the Huntsman just has a bit too much going on and is unable to focus on anything for too long for it to become compelling.  If some cuts in the right places had been made, perhaps the running time could have been cut down (it clocks in at over two hours) and more deserving elements could get some attention.  It seems as if someone wanted to make a Lord of the Rings film out of the Snow White tale and that’s all they were worried about. 

Think about it: they have true evil in Theron (Sauron), there are dwarves (hobbits), and there’s a long journey to save a kingdom (Middle Earth).  The long journey is the worst part.  There are so many scenes of walking and campfire chats in this film.  That just isn’t good cinema; especially when you don’t care what the characters are talking about and you are 99% sure the characters will end up where they need to be. 

Snow White and the Huntsman is a film that is all over the place.  Some of the movie works, but far too much of it seemed pointless to me.  It is not an unredeemable film, though, and there will certainly be fans (and probably a sequel).  If it works for you, fine.  Me?  If I want to see Lord of the Rings, I’ll just watch that instead.

Random Thoughts (SPOILERS)

I know it's a fairy tale and all, but how in the hell did Snow White learn how to handle a sword?  She was locked up for a decade or so with nothing but weird little stick dolls, yet when she gets released she can take down trained knights.  It doesn't help that it's Kristen Stewart, who looks like she should collapse under the weight of her armor.

Anyone else notice that the love triangle was just swept under the rug by having Hemsworth smile at her at the end?  What was that?  I know the movie was too long and an extra scene wrapping that story up would just be too much, but why even throw in that aspect if you can't finish it?  Just have the duke's son wake her up with a kiss if you can't devote time to the love triangle part.  Would it be so bad for the Huntsman to just help out and continue to grieve for his dead wife? 

Seriously, you get Ian McShane, Toby Jones, Eddie Marsan, Nick Frost, Bob Hoskins, Ray Winstone, and a few other lesser known actors and you don't have them show up for an hour.  And then you just use them for weak jokes and an odd death moment?  That death meant nothing, by the way, because we barely saw the character before he died.  Oh no, I can't believe they killed off that dwarf that had just been introduced ten minutes ago?  How could they kill off...wait, which one was he?

I know it's a fairy tale, but the actual fairies just looked stupid.