"Captain Ron" - Is Ron actually Snake Plissken?

*I write these articles under the assumption that you’ve seen the movie, so...SPOILERS. But if you haven’t seen Captain Ron, then obviously you didn’t have TBS or the USA network in the ‘90s. 

Originally, I was going to write about Buffalo Soldiers, the Joaquin Phoenix movie that got delayed into oblivion because of 9/11. But the DVD was too scratched up to play, so I threw it away and randomly moved on to Captain Ron, a $5 bin classic that I would also watch every time it came on TV. Kurt Russell is amazing in this movie, and according to IMDb trivia, he pretty much created the character, down to the wardrobe that he provided himself (including the Speedo). The movie overall is pretty damn goofy; it’s like John Hughes got stoned and wrote a movie. But Russell makes it memorable. Watching it this time (and thanks to some of the trivia I read), something amazing occurred to me.

Captain Ron is the origin story of Snake Plissken.

First off, I know this is ridiculous, but there are enough similarities to consider this. Obviously, the eye patch is the main indicator here, along with Ron’s raspy voice. And while Ron doesn’t have a cobra tattooed on his stomach, it is still a tattoo he would conceivably get one day (and he knows good work, as evidenced by his “primo work” comment regarding Caroline’s tattoo). Also, Ron claims to have been in the Navy, and Snake was Special Forces in the Army. Could it be that Ron was actually a Navy SEAL? Or maybe Ron was in the Special Forces, but he’s so full of shit he forgets what branch of the military he was really in.

The timelines work out a little, too. Captain Ron came out in 1992, which leaves plenty of time for World War III to break out and Ron can become Snake. The events of Escape from New York don’t take place until 1997. Ron has experience in Communist Cuba, he’s dealt with pirates, and he associates freely with revolutionaries (much like Cuervo Jones in Escape from L.A.).

The bit of trivia that really set me off on this was the claim that John Carpenter was “nearly called” to direct Captain Ron. (It also claims that he said he would have done it, but just to be in the Caribbean.) With Carpenter’s possible involvement, it adds a little credence to the origin story theory. Also, Carpenter originally saw Escape from L.A. as a comedy satirizing modern action movies (the studio was not a fan of this idea, which is why the film ended up edited to basically be a carbon copy of New York). And he directed Big Trouble in Little China, which is very much a comedy, also starring Russell.

Of course, Captain Ron isn’t really the origin story of Snake Plissken, but there are enough similarities to at least consider it. And while I am always down to watch Captain Ron, watching it while considering it as Snake’s origin story added a new element to it. Finally, I just like the idea that fun-loving Ron finally got beaten down by the world enough to turn into Snake Plissken.

Russell's next movie was Tombstone. What a transformation.

I don't have anything to say about that. I just wanted an excuse to post this comparison picture.

Random Thoughts

The beginning really reminds me of Planes, Trains, & Automobiles. In fact, the whole thing comes off as a wacky John Hughes film. Steve Martin and John Candy were both even considered for Short's role.

The camera really hangs on that clearly fake photo of a young Martin Short.

"Incentives are important. Learned that in rehab."

Seeing "dead" Captain Ron getting poked with a stick still makes me laugh.

Ron claims to have been on the USS Saratoga, a ship that was sunk in a nuclear bomb test in 1946. How old is he?

I love how Ron gets the party going again at St. Haag by doing a little dance and saying, "Hey hey!" And it works.

My brother says, "Get me a beer, swab," to this day because of this movie. 

"Now that you got a little coin in your jeans, let's make this game a little more interesting."

"You want a beer, you get your own."

The shower scene provides a bit more nudity than you'd expect for PG-13.

Martin Short lets out a great scream when the sander knocks him off the boat. 

Ron's plan for Swab to get the anchor was great, just taping bricks to feet and sending him underwater. 

I think Martin's family should ditch him for Ron. Martin sucks.

"He's gone storm crazy! I've seen this before!"

Getting kicked off the island is what Martin deserves for snitching on Captain Ron. 

"I've always been a fast healer. Of course, I believe in Jesus Christ. It helps."

..

"Tombstone" - 'Tom Mix wept' and other reasons why I love this western.

As always, I write these articles under the assumption that you’ve seen the movie, so...SPOILERS. But if you haven’t seen Tombstone, how have you ended up on this page?

The birth of my second child put a bit of a delay on my monthly output for the site. I originally planned on getting this movie, Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls, and one more random selection before the end of June as part of my plan for a Van Damme, a western, a comedy, and a grab bag selection each month. Hopefully I get back into some form of a routine (not sure that’s possible with an infant and a toddler in the house) and accomplish that for the rest of July. As for now, enjoy my ramblings on Tombstone, and then I’ll move on to one of my favorite Van Damme movies: Double Impact. 

A western more concerned with characters than shootouts...but there are still plenty of shootouts.

Tombstone is beloved among pretty much all my friends and most men and women I've ever brought this movie up to, and that's rare for a western. Westerns have their base audience, of course, but it's typically a niche audience these days. I think this is because filmmakers of westerns in the last two to three decades have been hellbent on not being traditional. This has made for some very interesting, entertaining films in the genre (which I will be writing about in the coming months), but it has also shrunk the audience for the genre. Perhaps that's why people love Tombstone so much. It didn't shy away from early westerns; it wanted to be like them.

(That above paragraph was not supposed to be in bold, but this is blogger, and nearly every article I write has one paragraph that stays bold no matter what I do.)

This isn’t to say Tombstone isn’t interesting, far from it. I do think of it as a very traditional western, which is still something audiences want to see. But more than that, audiences want to see great characters portrayed by great actors, and Tombstone has a ton of both. 

My love of the characters and actors of this film stuck out to me this viewing primarily because I found the biggest action sequence, the “hunting of the Cowboys” montage, to be the least interesting portion of the movie. Normally, you think of westerns and shootouts come to mind, especially for a western based around one of the most famous shootouts in Wild West history. But I didn’t care about the action. It’s not that it’s bad action; I just think it pales in comparison to the character work done earlier in the film.

So I just want to break down what I love about every character in this movie. Before I do that, I have to point out that this movie is so beloved because it is one of the most quotable movies of all time. I single out most of my favorites in the Random Thoughts section, but this is one of those movies I think I could recite verbatim. Anyway, on to the characters:

Wyatt Earp - This is basically his movie, of course, but I think Kurt Russell’s performance makes the character here. His presence is just so powerful. I mean, he just looks like he belongs in a western. And yeah, he gets some pretty awesome tough guy moments (“Are you going to do something or just stand there and bleed?”). Overall, a classic western character.

Virgil Earp - It’s Sam Elliott! For a western like this, it’s a necessity to cast him. My favorite moments are right after he defies Wyatt and takes the law enforcement job. Not only does he have a couple great arguments with Wyatt, but he also gets to have it out with Ike Clanton. One of my favorite moments is when Virgil finally snaps when Ike keeps calling the Earps “pimps.” The rage in his Elliott’s face looks legitimate when goes after Ike.

Morgan Earp - Man, I miss Bill Paxton. Perfectly cast as the fun-loving Earp brother, Paxton is just a guy you want to hang out with. He eventually joins the fight, too, but for the most part Morgan is just there to have a good time and help out his brothers. He reminds me of Cal from Talladega Nights, and I sincerely believe John C. Reilly used this character as inspiration for his performance.

Ike Clanton - According to director George P. Cosmatos, Stephen Lang was drunk the whole shoot, and I found an interview in which Lang basically admits he didn’t drink any water during this shoot. That alone makes me love his performance. He is so effectively skeezy throughout. And I just like the way he says things, especially “law dog” and “you goddamned pimps!” 

Doc Holliday - Everybody loves Val Kilmer in this movie and rightfully so. It’s arguably his best performance (I’m a big fan of his Jim Morrison, too), and he’s one of the most quotable characters ever. Kilmer’s performance is what sells it all. His southern aristocratic accent is perfect for Holliday’s constant sarcasm.

Curly Bill - Powers Boothe is what started me down this current western path, and this performance is one of my favorites. His maniacal laughter throughout is great. I only wish he was the true villain of the film. I feel like he deserved a bit more screentime, but what we get is gold. Plus, he produced the best meme from the movie with his delivery of “well...bye.”

Johnny Ringo - I’m a bit lukewarm on Ringo these days. As a kid, I thought of him as a bad ass villain. Now, his whole existential angst gets on my nerves a bit. I guess I just wanted to see more Curly Bill than Ringo. I do like Michael Biehn in the role, however.

Johnny Tyler - Sure, this is basically just a cameo for Billy Bob Thornton, but it’s so enjoyable. I could watch that scene over and over.

Jane - Let’s face it, Tombstone is a man’s movie right down to the cast. The women are there only as significant others. That said, Jane was interesting, and it’s unfortunate that she’s not given a bit more to do. Doc obviously loved her, and she was definitely into their lifestyle, but we only get glimpses of it.

Josephine - She’s kind of a manic pixie dream girl of the Wild West. So many scenes involve her simply smiling brightly until Wyatt notices. That said, she is a progressive female character who speaks her mind, which is refreshing.

Mattie - Poor Mattie, on the other hand, is woefully mistreated by Wyatt. Yes, she has a laudanum problem, but Wyatt is too busy trying to milk every dime he can out of Tombstone or start a relationship with an actress to meaningfully help her with her problem. I feel like the movie set her up as an addict, which was supposed to make us not care when Wyatt cheated on her. As I see it, Wyatt needed to devote himself more to her then than ever before, and he chose money and an easier relationship instead.

How was this a mess behind the scenes?

I somehow never came across any behind the scenes stories about this movie until I decided to write this article. Apparently screenwriter Kevin Jarre was given this as his directorial debut, but was fired a month in because it was just too much for a first time director. George P. Cosmatos was brought it with almost no prep whatsoever to finish the job. He immediately had the script cut down to focus more on the Earps and went from there. 

That alone is very interesting as such problems usually lead to messy, uneven films. Added to this is Kurt Russell’s later claim that he basically directed the movie and Cosmatos was simply there to supervise. And then Kilmer came out and said that wasn’t entirely true, but Russell did go above and beyond to keep the film going. I listened to a bit of Cosmatos’s commentary, and I’m more inclined to believe Kilmer here. He gives way too much detail about mundane aspects of the film to have merely been a supervisor. And he does mention that the whole project was very collaborative, and that the actors went beyond their required duties to make sure the film was good. 

No matter who really directed it, Tombstone is an anomaly in that it turned out so great despite the chaos behind the scenes. Perhaps Russell does deserve most of the credit. He seemed destined to play Earp, so maybe he saw the potential for greatness in the role and the overall film and made sure it worked out. Either way, all involved should be proud that they produced such an enjoyable, quotable, and awesome western.

Why do I own this?

I think every dude of the ‘90s is required to own this movie. Plus, the special edition is pretty awesome.

Random Thoughts

I'm sorry, but I want to be in the gang that has Powers Boothe, Michael Biehn, an impossibly dirty Stephen Lang, Thomas Haden Church, and Michael Rooker.

I like how Curly Bill's threat at the beginning ends with, "I ain't kiddin', neither." You just killed half the village, Bill, we know you're not bluffin'.

One of the roles Kurt Russell was meant to play, along with Snake Plissken, MacReady, John Ruth, Jack Burton, and, uh...Captain Ron.

And of course Sam Elliott is meant to be in this movie. 

Maddie asking for laudanum is quite a bit of foreshadowing. It's also an example of Wild West ridiculousness that always cracks me up: the rampant use of laudanum. 

This is Frank Stallone's shining moment.

This movie is endlessly quotable, but Billy Bob's line, "Christ almighty! It's like I'm sittin' here playin' cards with my brother's kids or something. You nerve-wrackin' sons-a-bitches!" is possibly my favorite. 

Speaking of Billy Bob, he's nearly unrecognizable in this.

How was Kilmer not nominated for this?

"Johnny, I apologize. I forgot you were there. You may go now."

Wyatt Earp is a greedy dick for the first half of this movie, what with his obsession with money and his presumptuous turning down of law enforcement jobs before they're offered. 

Bill Paxton's "aw shucks" portrayal of Morgan is great.

"Prettiest man I ever saw." 

The camera stays on Jason Priestly watching Billy Zane for a full six seconds, which doesn't sound long but is actually an eternity. 

The Holliday/Ringo interaction gets most of the love, but I'm partial to Ike Clanton's "law dog" threats to Wyatt at the saloon. 

This movie was the first time I heard "in vino veritas," which I totally said all the time when I first started drinking. 

"I don't laugh all day long like an idiot."

Curly Bill has quite the reaction to opium: shooting randomly, literally howling at the moon, and shooting a marshal. 

"I swear to God, law dog, let him go."

"Talk to him, will you? Or hit him?"

I love how Ike calls the Earps “pimps.” I think Ike Clanton might be my favorite character in this movie.

"What's wrong with him?"

"Lunger."

Gesturing towards Holliday's exit. "Well, I hope you die!"

“I don’t take no mouth from no bartenders, neither. There, you see? Give somebody a rap on the beard, get some respect around here.” Is immediately pistol-whipped.

I’ve always thought Virgil’s pistol-whipping of Ike was pretty weak.

“I ain’t easy, and I ain’t your kid. You take sorry and shove it up your ass!” That would be a pretty badass moment if that dude wasn’t immediately pistol-whipped to the ground with his own gun.

Thomas Haden Church cracks me up in this, too. He’s always just adding to what others say. Like adding, “Bastards. It’s comin’!” as they ride off from jail. Good one, Lowell!

I think this is the first time I noticed the wagon of women going by with the sign “Equal pay for equal work. No matter the gender.” 

The fire before the famous shootout is apparently accurate. I just like how all the guys just look at it with no concern at all as they keep walking.

I love how Wyatt tells Ike, “The fight’s commenced. Get to fightin’ or get out of the way!” It’s like, “Hey, Ike, you know the rules of gunfights, damn it!”

“I’m not going to fight you, Ringo. There’s no money in it.” Greedy Earp at it again.

I love how Ringo pronounces “lunger,” emphasizing the “g.”

“Somebody get that goddamn dog outta here!” Seriously, why is Morgan’s wife and a dog still in there while they’re trying to dig a bullet out of his back?

“Well...bye.” This is why I love Powers Boothe.

I guess I forgot about Doc’s deathbed confession about being in love with his 15-year-old cousin, who became a nun after their affair…

I love all the abrupt info in the ending narration. Ike Clanton was killed two years later. Mattie died of an overdose soon after leaving Tombstone. Good to know they didn’t forget about these characters.

Possibly my favorite ending line of a movie ever because of its randomness: “Tom Mix wept.”

..

Halloween Month: "The Thing"

*As always, I write these articles under the assumption that you’ve seen the movie, so...SPOILERS.

After rewatching Slither, which is partly an homage to The Thing, I decided to watch that film next. I’ve always been a little afraid to write about The Thing because it’s so good I feel like I wouldn’t do it any kind of justice. I still feel that way, but I don’t care anymore. I’m not trying to write anything definitive about any of the movies I revisit for this site. I’m just writing what occurs to me as I rewatch them. Still, I find it easier to write about movies like Dracula 2000 than The Thing. I don’t hold Dracula 2000 in very high regard. The Thing, however, I consider one of my favorite movies of all time (perhaps the favorite, but more on that later). John Carpenter is one of my favorite directors, so it’s high time I write about one of his masterpieces.

By the way, I know: "Halloween Month" and I'm not writing about Halloween. I get it, but I don't own that Carpenter movie. I like it, but I prefer his sci-fi work over his straight up horror films.

The Thing is a moody masterpiece

The amazing, gross, shocking, still impressive to this day, practical special effects of The Thing usually take center stage when the movie is brought up. I completely agree with that, but there’s not much I can add to that subject. Instead, I wanted to focus on what keeps bringing me back to this movie: the mood.

Mood, or atmosphere, in film is very important to me. I want the world of the film to feel real. I don’t think I’m alone in that since people tend to prefer practical sets and effects in movies these days. If you some CG creation, it takes you out of it. Since movies are meant for escapism, we don’t want to be reminded that they’re movies while we’re watching. I cannot think of a movie that keeps you in its world better than The Thing. The special effects play a big part in that. The defibrillator sequence comes to mind. I’ve seen that scene (and the movie in general) at least a dozen times, and I still get drawn in every time I see it. When the Norris-thing’s head separates itself and sprouts legs and crawls off, I watch in awe. I don’t think, “How did they do that?” I just think, “What the fuck is that thing?” I feel like I’m in that room with the characters.

Effects alone don’t accomplish that feeling, though. The setting is a big part of it for me. For whatever reason, I’m a sucker for sci-fi films that take place in secluded settings. Antarctica, a space ship, an island, whatever. As long as it’s a place apart from the rest of society I’m in. It’s not because I hate society or anything (I’m not a big fan, but I take part in it), it’s that secluded settings allow for a no rules scenario. Anything can happen. There’s no calling 911 or anything like that.

The separation from the rest of the world is key for this film. Getting help from the outside world is never seriously considered. Sure, they keep trying to get someone on the radio, but it’s never presented as a real possibility. And when the power gets cut off, the situation becomes even more dire. But instead of worrying about surviving, the characters pretty quickly decide they need to stop the Thing, even though they know they will die no matter what. That bleak scenario always appeals to me: in the face of certain death, the characters put their own survival to the side to accomplish their goal.

Simply being separate from humanity isn’t enough on its own to create a truly memorable setting, though. The bleakness of Antarctica is a character in itself in The Thing. Much like movies that take place in deep space, like Alien, the setting says something about the characters. What were their lives like that led them to choose this area for a job? The Thing is fairly light in traditional character development. We know very little about these men, and we only get slight hints at their relationships to one another. But I still don’t consider them underwritten characters, partly because of the setting. To take a job at a research station in Antarctica says something about all of them, especially the non-scientific characters. Who takes a job as a pilot, a mechanic, a radio operator, a doctor, a cook(!) in Antarctica? I don’t need a backstory in that scenario; their very presence there says plenty about them.

The final piece to establishing mood in The Thing is the score. The Thing is unique in that the score was not done by Carpenter himself, though if you didn’t see the credits you might think he was the composer. Ennio Morricone did the score, but it is very Carpenter-like. More importantly, it’s eerily perfect for the film without drawing attention to itself. Morricone’s score (which he re-used a bit and used unused portions of for Tarantino’s version of The Thing: The Hateful Eight) is the icing (no pun intended) on the cake of this film. It completes the overall feel of the film that brings me back to it multiple times a year.

It’s time to rethink my favorite movie of all time.

As a movie guy, a common question I get is, “What’s your favorite movie of all time?” As any movie buff will tell you, it’s very hard to narrow it down to a single film. Hell, I don’t think I could make a top 100 list without feeling like I’m forgetting something I love. Rather than say something annoying like that, I decided years ago that I would go with Apocalypse Now. I do love that film, and I watch it at least once a year. But I’ve never felt entirely comfortable giving it the number one spot. As I started to watch The Thing again, it just hit me: I love everything about this movie. I never get tired of revisiting the world of The Thing. With Apocalypse Now, I need to be in a certain mood to watch it. I think I could watch The Thing no matter what mood I’m in. So I think I’m going to start telling people that The Thing is my favorite movie of all time. But it’s more than just the mood of the film that led me to this.

As I stated above, I’m not trying to write a definitive article about this movie, but I feel like I need to at least nerd out about why I love it so much if I’m going to call it my favorite movie of all time. I’ll start with Carpenter. John Carpenter is one of my favorite directors of all time. His films are unpretentious, and they are just genuinely entertaining. With a Carpenter film, you know you’re going to get a unique world, and something dark and interesting is probably going to happen. He’s had his misfires, but when a Carpenter film is really working (The Thing, Halloween, The Fog, They Live, Escape from New York, Assault on Precinct 13), it’s simply awesome.

The Thing is also helped by its great cast. Kurt Russell is particularly great here, mainly because he’s not a typical hero. Sure, he takes charge in this film, but he’s not like Snake Plissken; he’s not a professional badass or anything, which actually makes him more interesting. And Keith David is always great. Wilford Brimley nearly steals the film, especially when you consider his freak out scene. There’s not a weak link in the cast.

The story is endlessly interesting because of the classic gimmick of trust. Who is the Thing? Or, who isn’t the Thing? Stories about paranoia in which the characters can’t trust each other are great for rewatching. The Thing can be studied intensely, or you can just casually enjoy it. I prefer to casually enjoy it, but if I wanted to I could really dissect it and try to figure out who was the Thing at what point and why did the Thing do this or that. I’d rather just enjoy the overall film, but it’s nice to have the option to give a deep dive into the story, too.

It all comes down to the look and sound of the film, though. This movie looks so fucking good, even by today’s standards. Actually, it looks better than most of today’s movies, and that amazes me. I get absorbed into this movie every time, and it’s because of the look and sound of it. It’s rare that I watch a movie at home and truly pay attention to it. But The Thing demands your attention because it’s so good. How can you look away from this movie, even at its most gruesome moments? Yeah, this is my favorite movie of all time.

Pretty sure The Thing is the inspiration for Dana Gould’s “Grady’s Oats” sketches for The Ben Stiller Show

Okay, there’s a lot in the topic header. Let’s start with the “Grady’s Oats” sketches. I’m a big fan of Ben Stiller’s short-lived sketch show from the early ‘90s. One of the funnier recurring sketches in one episode involved comedian Dana Gould (in heavy makeup and prosthetics) portraying Wilford Brimley as the unhinged spokesman for Grady’s Oats in a sendup of Brimley’s actual sponsorship of Quaker Oats. Over the course of three ads, Gould’s Brimley reveals dark family secrets, yells at oats, and eventually brandishes a gun and shoots at neighborhood children, likely hitting at least one.

It’s that final meltdown that reminded me of The Thing. The gun Gould uses is similar to the gun Brimley uses in The Thing when he loses his shit. I love that Brimley freak out scene, and it might be the scene that puts this film over the top to become my favorite of all time. But is that scene truly the inspiration for the sketches? I don’t see how it couldn’t be.

I tweeted at Dana Gould and asked him, but he didn’t respond, either because my question was so damn random or because he was too busy tweeting his outrage with our present political situation or both. I’ll need to check out the show again on DVD and see if there is a behind the scenes thing about it, but I don’t recall anyone mentioning The Thing in regards to the sketch when I watched it before. But look at the evidence.

Do I regret buying this?

Take a guess. Fuck no. That said, I do wish I had held out for the collector’s edition that came out a while back. I’ll probably go ahead and get it, which means I will have bought this movie four times. My only regret is that I’m a sucker for special editions.

Random Thoughts

Russell has never been cooler

They are way too quick putting out the dog thing fire. I would've given it at least another minute. So the fire spreads. So what? Did you see what was happening in that kennel? Let ‘em burn.

Man, I love Wilford Brimley’s freak out scene. “I'll keel YOU!”

Brimley just hanging out, eating Dinty Moore beef stew...next to a noose he made.