This article contains SPOILERS.
Every year around Christmas I watch Eyes Wide Shut because it is sincerely my favorite Christmas movie. It’s actually one of my favorite movies of all time, but I have to watch it around this time of year because the film just seems meant to be seen next to the glow of a Christmas tree. Since it’s become a tradition to watch it every year, I decided to write a new article about it each year, as well, until I run out of stuff to write about the film, though I don’t know if that will ever happen. This will be the third article I’ve written about Eyes Wide Shut. I’ve already written about the color theory, and last year I wrote an article focused on sane and insane theories about the film. This year, I decided to focus on the comedic aspect of the film.
“That is the kind of hero I can be sometimes.”
Eyes Wide Shut is generally a dark film about marriage, sex, secret cult orgies, prostitution, etc. But it’s also pretty damn funny. This is the norm for Stanley Kubrick. I would argue that the bulk of his movies are fairly comedic, although I consider Eyes Wide Shut to feature more subtle comedy.
For the most part, the aspects of Eyes Wide Shut that I find the funniest are the actions, or rather the timing of the actions, of a few characters. Let's start with Ziegler. During his Christmas party, Bill is summoned to a bathroom to see about a woman who has overdosed. She's naked, and Ziegler is getting dressed as Bill comes to the door. Why the hell did Ziegler decide to do this during his own Christmas party? It's later revealed that he was at the orgy, so the dude clearly has a large sexual appetite, but for fuck's sake, couldn't he wait an hour or two?
For the most part, the aspects of Eyes Wide Shut that I find the funniest are the actions, or rather the timing of the actions, of a few characters. Let's start with Ziegler. During his Christmas party, Bill is summoned to a bathroom to see about a woman who has overdosed. She's naked, and Ziegler is getting dressed as Bill comes to the door. Why the hell did Ziegler decide to do this during his own Christmas party? It's later revealed that he was at the orgy, so the dude clearly has a large sexual appetite, but for fuck's sake, couldn't he wait an hour or two?
Perhaps Ziegler lives this way because of his wealth. It’s not so much about the sex as it is about the circumstances of the sex. “I can get coked up and fuck someone in the bathroom during my own Christmas party! I can put on a costume and go to an orgy with crazy powerful people!” It’s like status through bold sex. He’s still oddly formal about things, though, which is what I find the most amusing. When Bill gets to the bathroom, Ziegler shakes his hand. Is “please come to the bathroom to make sure this woman I was banging during my own Christmas party isn’t dying from an overdose” a handshake situation? For Ziegler, it sure is.
Marion has some questionable timing, as well. She decides she should declare her love for Bill right after her father has died and right before her future husband shows up. The funniest moment of the scene is when Bill tries to reason with her telling her, “We barely know each other. I don’t think we’ve had a single conversation about anything other than your father.” Keep in mind all of this is happening with her father’s corpse in the bed! The point of the scene is not about comedy; it serves as another example of the mystery of women to Bill, in that Marion harbors the same irrational feelings for Bill that Alice confessed she had for the young naval officer. But the dark comedy of the scene cannot be denied.
The character of Milich is probably the most overtly comedic character, though he ends up being one of the darker elements of the film. It’s goofy from the get-go, with Milich showing up in his robe to talk to Bill. His haggling is funny (“$100, over the regular price?” “Yes.” “I don’t think so.” “Uh...okay.”), he has Bill check his bald spot, and he continues doing business as if he didn’t just lock two men in a room because they were engaging in sexual activity with his young daughter, whom he refers to as a “child.” The moment becomes exponentially darker when Bill returns the next day and discovers that Milich has “come to an agreement” with the men seeing his daughter, and goes on to offer the same agreement to Bill. This sums up my relationship with the comedy of this film. It’s funny, but it’s all horrible, as well. It’s very Kubrick; what can we do but laugh at the absurdity of humanity and all the awful shit we do?
Alice actually comments on this directly during the stoned fight she has with Bill, which is also pretty funny in itself. Alice’s breakdown of “millions of years of evolution” (“Right?! Right?!”) is funny in its delivery, but it’s depressingly truthful. Men are basically animals and are excused as such when it comes to most things, especially sex, while women are supposed to be the dignified gender.
Alice’s attacks on Bill are great, too, especially her high-pitched impression of the “fucking hypothetical woman patient.” This is where the main comedy comes into play, as Bill’s responses during the fight showcase how laughable a character he is. He spends most of the argument trying to say what he thinks he should say rather than the truth. Bill seems to think that simply because they are married it’s implied that they are faithful because that’s what marriage is supposed to be, but in reality that’s often not the case. Alice even calls him on his bullshit, saying he never gives her a “straight answer.” And Alice even laughs at him when gives the cheesiest response of the film, saying “No. I’m sure of you.” The seriousness in which he says this should be mocked. Bill is saying crap you’d see in a movie while Alice is trying to explain how fundamentally wrong Bill’s and society’s view of female sexuality is wrong.
Bill is like this throughout most of the film. He attempts to be what he thinks he should, which changes from moment to moment (more on that in a bit). During the fight, he’s the confident husband who never gets jealous because he trusts his wife, as a good husband should. When he’s at the office, he’s a perfectly formal doctor, as a doctor should be. When he sees an old college buddy, he becomes a “bro” again, as the two playfully pat and smack each other multiple times during a very short conversation, because that’s what old college bros do. And after Alice’s confession gets to him, he becomes what he thinks he should be: a jilted husband who needs to cheat on her for payback. He’s never fully committed to any of these personas, especially that last one (in a movie full of sex, he never has sex with anyone except his wife, despite being surrounded by opportunities as nearly every character he interacts with, from the models to the hotel clerk, seems to want to have sex with him).
Bill’s inability to be himself is funny and sad. I find it amusing watching him bumble his way through his dream-like journey, being awkward (his formal handling of money with Domino and bringing a cake to see her the next night) and stupid (showing up to a mansion of super-rich orgy people in a cab, which he has wait for him). Is this all meant to be a straight up comedy? Of course not, but I don’t think it’s a stretch to claim that this film, while pitch black at times, is also very funny.
And while it’s debatable whether Eyes Wide Shut is a slight comedy or not, one thing is definitely true: Bill Harford is a fucking doctor.
I'm a Doctor
I’ll keep this short, but the sheer amount of situations and times in which Bill feels it necessary to throw his doctor dick around is hilarious.
Your wife accuses you of being sexual with your patients? I’m a doctor, and I took an oath!
You need a costume for an orgy in the middle of the night? Open up, strange costume shop owner! I’m a doctor, and here’s proof!
You need to find about your missing, possibly murdered college buddy from a waitress? Ma’am, I’m a doctor so you can tell me anything.
You need info from hotel clerk about the same possibly murdered college buddy? Bam! I’m a doctor, you overly flirty desk clerk! Now tell me all about the weird shit that went down!
You need to see the dead body of a woman who possibly sacrificed herself for you at the orgy? I’m a doctor! Well, that one makes a lot of sense, actually. They probably would not have let him see the body if he wasn’t a doctor...
The next time I watch Eyes Wide Shut, I’m going to make a game of it. Everything someone refers to Bill as a doctor, take a drink. Every time Bill tells someone he’s a doctor, take a shot. I probably won’t make it to the orgy scene.
Why Do I Own This?
Are you kidding? I own two copies of this, and I plan on buying an older DVD of it next year so I can watch it again in a different aspect ratio.
Random Thoughts
The cut back to Alice watching TV in the kitchen while Bill is with Domino is my main evidence that the night is not all a dream. I suppose there are no rules with dreams, but for me, when a movie cuts away from the supposedly dreaming character, then that means it is not a dream. I always think that the dreamer has to be a part of every moment of the dream. Maybe it's just me, but I don't recall any of my dreams cutting away to other people.
Speaking of Alice in the kitchen, her choice of Snackwell cookies after telling her husband about her willingness to blow up their lives for some sailor dick is hilarious. For one thing, it's a very '90s thing (even though Snackwell cookies still exist, apparently), and '90s stuff makes me laugh. For another thing, the thought process is funny. "I just revealed my most secret lustful desire to my husband, letting him know I would give up everything to be with a complete stranger one time…I think I’ll have some Snackwell's!"
The best evidence for the night being a dream is the fact that Rainbow Fashions is across the street from the Sonata Cafe, but Bill takes a cab to get there...after leaving the Sonata Cafe. The only reason I can think of for him to end up needing a cab is if he needed to go to an ATM to get the cash he needs for the night. But Dr. Bill strikes me as the type to always have a lot of cash on him.
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